Always Missing

Today we went out to dinner.  It was nice, Ollie was behaving well and flirting with the waitress.  Afterwards, we went to get frozen yogurt.  We walked with Ollie, each of us holding one of his hands.  And I thought to myself, what a lovely evening.  It would have been perfect if Delilah were here too. 

Happy Third Birthday

My sweet girl. Today you would have turned three.  I think it would have been a big step.  Not so much a toddler butt a little girl. We would busted out all the Calico Critters that I had gotten for you.  I would have lived watching you play house with your little families.  Your little brother would have probably tried to eat some of your toys but I think you have figured out how to let him know gently, no.  I think about you often.  About all the fun things that we missed out on.  Your little play kitchen in the kitchen as I make lunch you would "help." 
We took your brother to the park the other day.  He likes going up to little girls.  It's like he knows that you were supposed to be here, his precious sister. 
I love you Delilah.  I hope you know that.  No matter what, you have a huge piece of my heart with you. 
We got you a balloon, two. One we kept, the other we wrote you some messages and sent them to you.  Aunty Karen sent you flowers again.  We got you a cup cake,  Ollie enjoyed some on your behalf.  This year I found a cow at the Gentle Barn named Delilah; I send her what I would have spent on your birthday present.  I think you would laugh that a cow has the sane name as you. 
Happy Birthday my darling daughter.  Love you so much Delilah. 

The numbers...

In 9 days you should have been turning 3.
If you had been born 4 days earlier you might have been here today.
In 10 days it will be 3 years since I last held you. 
1086 days without you.
Thousands of diapers I never got to change.
Gallons of milk I never got to feed you.
Countless tears that I have shed.
I missed you Delilah. 

They are Just Slippers

Grief is irrational and random; it sneaks up on you and ingrains itself on parts of your life that you sometimes don't even notice.
Back in 2012, when I was living in my blissful happy bubble of sweet ignorance, I bought some slippers to wear at the hospital after I delivered Delilah.  They looked so warm and cozy and I was so excited to wear my brand new slippers after I delivered her.  I packed them in my overnight bag and they waited for me until Delilah was ready to be born.
I never go to wear those slippers.  That day when Delilah was born then we watched as she slipped away the following morning.  When we got home, my overnight bag sat for a while, and eventually I decided to put the stuff away.  When I got to the slippers, I could not find it in my heart to unpack them.  Despite my current slippers at the time being in shambles, I felt that I did not deserve to wear those new slippers, the ones that were imbued with my dreams. 
So they sat in that overnight bag for about two years.  They waited patiently until my Rainbow Ollie was born.  And stupidly, those slippers held some kind of power subconsciously in my head.  Like a reward for finally getting there.  And you know what, they were not comfortable at all, the soles were not so good for the hospital floor and they were stiff. 
I had waited so long to wear those dang slippers and they were disappointing.  But guess what?  They were just slippers.  I had my rainbow, and he was awesome.  He brought so much joy and hope, so much light back into my life.  I did continue to wear those slippers, and in almost nine months, I wore them out.  The lining is torn and padding smashed.  I bought a new pair but why am I having such a hard time throwing these out.
They did not magically make everything better.  They can't teleport me back in time and save Delilah.  But that is it, in a way, they remind me of Delilah.  How things don't go as planned but most importantly, they brought me to when I was just happily pregnant with my little girl. 
They are just slippers right?  I have the memories and emotions in my heart.  So why can't I let them go.  Grief, so freaking irrational.

Still

I still think of you every day my sweet girl.  My Delilah.  Sometimes, I feel guilty about being so happy with your little brother.  I think that you would not want me to be sad and would want me to enjoy this wonderful little boy that you sent to me.  And I do, I love him and appreciate your hand in us having Oliver.  There are quiet moments though, when my mind dull goes to dark places and I think of the day that we lost you.  I still blame myself for not knowing that something was wrong.  I still blame the hospital for not knowing something was wrong in L&D.  I miss you, miss what I imagine that you would have been like.  I imagine you, I close my eyes and pretend that you are here, you kiss you little brother, you love him so much.  You are his little protector.  Then I realize that what I imagine is probably true.  Sometimes, Ollie laughs in his sleepthen he smiles, he smiles like her us so happy.  I think it's because you are visiting him in his dreams.  You guys play and he get to experience what he will not get to here on earth.  He gets to play with his big sister, he gets hugs and kisses from her.  I'm envious sometimes.  I've never really had those kinds of dreams, sometimes I feel that you blame me for what happened do you don't see me.  I love you Delilah.  I always will.  Thank you for being Oliver's living big sister.

Spilled Milk

It's pointless to cry over spilt milk and I've been doing that a lot lately also but lately I've been thinking about everything that should have been and it breaks my heart to imagine such a future; such a beautiful future and that it won't exist.  Maybe an alternate version one day but it just won't be the same.  Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for what I have, I love my son. I love him more and more each and everyday.  He makes me happy, he makes me smile, even on those nights that he wakes me up a bunch of times. however, I can't help but think that he should have been my last baby and I should have a little girl and a little boy.  I don't have issues being pregnant, in fact pregnancy has always agreed with me.  The fact is I've been pregnant twice, one living child and one sweet angel.  I do want siblings for little Oliver. But being pregnant again feels like it's going to be so much more difficult and it doesn't feel fair, doesn't feel fair that I had to lose my little girl.

Still Working

These past few weeks have been full of emotion, sleep deprivation, and all sorts of ups and downs.  Everything is so different with the little guy here. 
Something that remains the same is that I am still making little critters in memory of those sweet babies that were taken from us. 
This one is for R.