I'm sorry...

My husband has been great.  He's been super supportive after we loss or little girl.   I cry all the time still and yesterday he told me that I was being very quiet and not talking to him.  Later he tella me that the cat hangs out with him after he gets off from work but I don't.  He says I don't sit next to him and I'm always sad.  I said he could always sit next to me in the couch.  Today he mentioned going somewhere for our anniversary next month.  I told him I don't feel right having fun without my baby.  He came back at me and said that I was taking it out on him.  That made me cry.  I don't mean to be a bad wife.  I can't help but be sad all the time.  I can't think of anything except how much I miss Delilah.  My darling girl is gone and I can't/won't move forward.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Professional Help

Yesterday evening and night turned out to be a very bad night for me.  I was yelling at the pets for stupid things and getting crazy irritable.   Then after I yelled at them I would cry.  I cried a lot last night.  My husband Alex says its cuz I was exhausted from the March for Babies.  I just missed Delilah so much.  After the crying I just melted into a puddle of numbness.   I just sat on the couch and starred off into nothingness.  Alex was getting concerned so he handed me my crochet box to crochet something.  My mind has been so scattered lately.   Its hard to concentrate. 
I even went to speak with a professional recently.  She said that we were dealing with things correctly.   It was good to set aside time everyday to think of Delilah. Then she told me about  the "counseling models" that they go off of.  Then talked about visualizing and putting your feelings into words a letting them float down the stream...  Um... no thank you, second appointment, no thanks.  I think I'll be doing this by myself and with my husband, family and friends.  No streams for me.

Meet Rutabaga

Meet Rutabaga.  He is Delilah's represenative here.  He is going with me everywhere like Delilah would have been.  Rutabaga has been a source for comfort for me, whenever I'm somewhere and I miss my little girl, I pull Rutabaga out of my purse and hold him.  I think that Delilah is watching me from above but in case she was playing or missed something, I like to think that Rutabaga can "tell her" what we did today.  Rutabaga helps me feel like Delilah can still be with us. It's also nice to have an oitlet to take silly pictures and make up the occasional tall tale. Kid stuff like I woild have done with Delilah when ahe got older.    

Vision

I can see you darling.  You are older and so adorable.  Two pig tails high on your cute little head.  You play in our kitchen.  You hop and bounce.  I can see you laying around on your tummy with your feet up in the air.  You are my child and I can see you.  I hope that it is a glimpse into the future.  I hope that your beautiful soul will come back to us and become another wonderfully kind and darling child.  I love you sweet one, I miss you.  But I can see you.  I see you as part of my future.  I want to hold your hand and kiss your forehead.  I want to be your mommy.

March for Babies

A few weeks ago I saw an ad for the March for Babies, it was exactly what i was looking to do.  Something for Delilah.  I recruited and bugged people.  I designed a t-shirt.  Tiday we did March of Dimes: March for Babies.  Me my sister and best friend.  Team Delilah Sage.  We walked 3 miles with my sweet little girl watching from above and raised a bunch of money.  I love you sweet pea.  Your mommy and aunties love you so much.  I think we will try to do this every year from now on.  I was happy we did the walk but part of me was dissapointed, like I was expecting to see her at the finish line and I would have my baby again.  Sadly that was not possible.  My husband told me that I might not have seen her but she was definitely there.
After her aunties left today I cried.  I cried because miss my baby because I wish I could have done more for her.  I cried because I am so tired from not being able to sleep the night before.  I cried because my beautiful little girl should be physically with me.

A poem

To those who look away when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject when I speak my daughter's name, change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had her at all, how could we miss her so much.
In our hearts we have seen her live a thousand times.
We have seen her first steps, first day of school, her wedding, and her children.
We have had her forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.
I am thankful for her everyday, but even if I have twenty more babies, I will forever have one in the grave, and that is too many.

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future
generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US, and you just might see THEM.

Author Unknown

Back to Work

I thought I was going to be going back to work last Thursday but last Wednesday the HR person told me I get another week off for bereavement.  I'm was so grateful for that extra week.  Today was my first day back, I cried half the time at work.  Getting dressed in the morning was hard, I didn't want to get ready and be "normal."  The drive to BART was difficult, I kept thinking of those 40 weeks that we waited for the train together, caught the train and the last few weeks when she would get me a seat.  When I was walking from BART to work, I was reminded that my baby waddle was gone, my little baby was gone.  I walked through the metal detector, luckily it wasn't one of the security guards that was really excited about Delilah.  When I got to my desk I put Delilah's picture on my desk, she looks so beautiful in her picture, she was such a beautiful baby.  Then the people started coming by, hugs here and there, people checking in, tears.  On my way back to my desk after break someone who worked in another office that didn't know Delilah had passed away asked me about her, I started crying and I couldn't stop.  Later in the restroom, another coworker who knew about Delilah's passing came up to me and said something about how it wasn't so bad because I was still young and can have other children.  I told her Delilah is still my child and she was still gone.  I was offended that the just wrote her off, like she didn't matter, like for 40 weeks and 4 days she wasn't with me and for almost a day she was out and alive in this world.  When I got off work I started to cry and haven't stopped since.
The world feels colder now, darker.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything that's not for Delilah.  I just want to curl up and hide from this sad place that I'm left behind in.  I miss you Delilah, I'm so lost without you, please come back as our next baby.  I don't know what I would do if I can never be your mommy again...  

Sad and Dejected

The first thing I saw on TV today was the news coverage at the Boston Marathon.  Such horrible things happen.  I thought about my baby girl seeing this happen up there and I found myself telling her:  "These bad things happen but there is still is good in the world."  I didn't want her to be scared and not want to come back and be our baby.  

I miss her, I miss her so much and lately I've been trying to distract myself with projects and other stuff.   But it's so difficult, I think about her and how we can't be together.  I find myself thinking about her final moments and all the "what ifs..."  I miss her and I'm mad at the universe for separating us.  I can't sleep at night, I stay up and think about how we should be together, how it's not fair.  

March of Dimes: March for Babies

Today is two months since I met Delilah.  It was too short, she was such a beautiful baby, I could feel her kindness and love.  It was so wrong that we had to say goodbye to each other so quickly.  I miss her so much.  The other day I saw a commercial for the March of Dimes: March for Babies.  I signed up.  I wanted to do something to help other babies.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/bon82lau


UPDATE:
My sister and best friend are both walking with me as a part of TEAM DELILAH SAGE!
Lets save some babies.

http://www.marchforbabies.org/team/t2063294

Hats from Delilah

When I was pregnant with Delilah I learned to make her a baby hat.  After that one successful hat I forgot how to make them and had a diffucult time.  After my Delilah passed away and we said goodbye for now,  I was a wreck.  At home I eventually figured out how to make a shell hat.  I decided to put it aside for when Delilah comes back as another baby.  But that hat inspired me to make some for the NICU at the hospital.   I've been working on them to be donated to the hospital from Delilah. I have 42 hats now some for girls some for boys.  Some have scalloped edges some have flowers.  I love you Delilah.  I hope these hats can help babies and bring a little brightness to their parents.  

Acomplishment

When I was pregnant with Delilah I had set out to make her a blanket.   My husband teased me that she would be sixteen by the time I finished the blanket.  I have a history of starting and abandining projects.  I finished that crochet blanket (shown in "Nursery" post) and I was proud.  Then I made her a cloche hat with some of the left over yarn.  That was when I saw this fuzzy yarn at the Joann's Fabrics that I thought was so cute.   I tried to work with it but it proved too difficult.  It was dissapointing but I forgot about it.  Recently I've been crocheting hats to donate to the NICU at the Walnut Creek and Oakland facilities where Delilah received her care.  I found a pattern online that mentions incorporating the fuzzy yarn to make ears.  This made me think of the abandoned yarn.  I tried it.  Using the fuzzy yarn with regular yarn and a bigger gage hook.  It worked!  It sounds so dumb now, but this small accomplishment made me so happy.  I could finally make her the fuzzy hat.  When my baby comes back, she'll have that fuzzy hat that I wanted to make her.

Facebook

I deleted my Facebook account today.  I'm tired of being reminded that I am alone and my little girl is no longer with me.  I miss her so much and I don't want to see everyone else's kids.  I'm not over it, while everyone else may have moved on I still miss my baby everyday.  I miss my Delilah.  

Meeting with the doctors.

Today we will be meeting with the doctors who delivered and took care of Delilah.  I've been waiting to ask questions and maybe understand what happened more.  I'm also scared.  After this they won't care anymore.  My little girl will be nothing more to them than blight on their records.  I don't want her to fade away.  She is as real to me today as she was when she was still alive.  I love my baby girl and I miss her so much.

Update:  After the visit.

Thursday we had our "Meeting" with the doctors and pathologist.  The pediatrician, obstetrician, and pathologist were very kind, they answered our questions about what happened.  

Delilah had bled out through the placenta, her blood circulated into the placenta but the placenta did not put it back into her.  They said she was not in pain when this happened, when she came out she had lost so much blood and even after multiple blood transfusions, it was a miracle that she she was alive at all.  The said feto-maternal hemorrhage occurs 1 in every 5,000 to 10,000 and in the severe cases most babies are still born.

I was lucky that I had time at all with Delilah, I was lucky that I got to hold her in my arms and comfort her, that we got to look into each other's eyes and that we got to say goodbye to each other.  My darling baby was so strong for holding on and fighting to stay alive so we would have our time together.  

I thanked the obstetrician for getting her out so quickly and the pediatrician for stabilizing her as much as they could.  I thanked them for helping Delilah so that we could have that time, although short, much needed time.   

That night during my nightly "Goodnight" to Delilah I thanked her for fighting.  I know now more than ever that Delilah was a fighter, she was strong and tried her best to stay alive so that we would be able to see who was on the other side of the belly.  I believe that we are fated to be together, one day, hopefully her soul will come back to us and be our baby again.

The Nursery

For nine months we planned and assembled furniture, painted letters, decorated walls and rearranged everything.  Delilah's room was perfect, it was beautiful and adorable and ready and waiting for our baby girl to be born and come home and use it.

After we lost her, my father in law told us to take apart her room, "trash it, throw everything away and start over new."  We told him it was not how we wanted to deal with it.  

That was almost six weeks ago.  Today he called us selfish for not taking down her room.  Told us to take apart everything and thrown everything away again.  That hurt, through gritted teeth, I nicely told him we liked going into her room, it made us feel good that we were prepared and that we can use the room another baby one day.  I believe that her spirit will come back to us as a different baby.

He kept going on about her room, I wanted to scream, shut up, you don't know!  You didn't lose a child, you didn't let me see my baby one more time without all her tubes attached to her, you robbed me of that.

Then he started saying that we were too prepared.  We had her room set up, I think most parents do.

Molly Bear

I read about these on another mother of an angels post.   I thought I would try it out.  Today I went to Build a Bear Workshop and bought the shell of a teddy bear (bunny in my case) went to Joanns Fabric and bought 6 pounds of pellets.  I stuffed the bunny and I have to admit I like to hold it.  I close my eyes and pretend that I'm holding Delilah.  It brings me a little comfort. We named her Daffodil which wad Delilah's nickname at work. 

My little helper.

Watch "Subaru - Take Your Daughter to Work Day" on YouTube

After I lost Delilah, I've noticed a lot of commercial make me cry, this Subaru one had me crying, Delilah was gonna be my little helper in the garden.  I miss her so much.

The day I became yours, you became mine.

Watch "Count on Carter's TV Commercial" on YouTube

When I was pregnant with Delilah this commercial alway made me cry, it was so beautifully made and I pictured us as the mom and daughter.  It's so true when the little girl says "The day I became yours, you became mine."

Insomnia...

I cannot sleep.  I keep thinking about everything.  I miss my baby girl.  I don't know what to do without her.  Today was really hard.  I cried most of the day.  Everything sent me to tears.  Sometimes I wonder what's the point of moving forward.  I want to be with my baby.  But I choose to believe.  I believe that she'll come back to me.  Her soul, her spirit, will return and be our baby again.  I have to believe that otherwise the world is too dark.  I have to hold on to hope.  Please come back. Please let us have a second chance and let us be your parents again.  I love you so much Delilah.  I sometimes feel that she is still out there.  I have to go look for her.  She is waiting for me.  She needs her mommy and I need my Delilah.