Were you there? Was it a sign?

Yesterday I went to one of my best friend's house warming party.  It occurred to me that this would have been the first time that I would have taken Delilah out anywhere by myself.  I was dreading going,

I don't like to be without my husband nowadays, it feels so lonely, for nine months, I had Delilah by my side.  

I was also dreading the pretending to be happy and smiling, it's always difficult.  At the party, I tried to keep occupied by helping out.  By my thoughts wandered.

I thought about how it was such a hot day, would I have had her in her Ergo Baby carrier?  That would have been very warm, too warm, sticky baby and sticky momma.  Maybe the Maya Baby Carrier?  No that would have been the same thing.  Sticky.  Then I though I could have been just carrying her around?  No, maybe bring her her car seat in?  Or the mini bassinet  thing that attached to her play pen.

I kept thinking about about my darling baby and how she would have been so excited seeing everyone.  She was growing inside me the last time I saw these people.  I was getting pretty sad then I saw this humming bird fly through the sky toward the peach tree in the yard.  Humming birds have been symbolic of Delilah to me ever since she passed away.  It was like she was telling me that she was there and it would be okay.

The thing that really struck me was when I was driving home, I was headed down the street and I saw it, one of the side streets, it had the same name that my husband and I had decided would be Delilah's new name when she came back to us.  It was a sign.  My baby will return us.  I love you baby.

7 Signs Your Baby Loves You...

Today I got one of those automated emails from babycenter.com.  The headline was "7 Signs Your Baby Loves You"
At first I got a little sad, I don't have Delilah physically with me... no signs.  But then I thought to myself, of course she loves me.  My Delilah fought so hard and she  was so resiliant.  We were separated for most of the time she was alive, there were so many times when we could have lost her.  So many times where I would have missed out on the gift it was to be able to cold her and cuddle her to offer her confort and love. 

1.  When Delilah was born, she was not breathing, she coded in the ER right after they got her out of me.  She was not breathing for almost ten minutes but she showed other signs of life which prompted the Pediatrics team to not give up on her, they eventually got a heartbeat.  My baby loves me so much she forced her heart to work for me. 

2.  When I was still under general anesthesia  she could have slipped away, she was severly anemic and not clotting, she was bleeding out everything that was going in through transfusion.  Delilah managed to stabilize herself, somehow with the help of the doctors she managed to "start to do a little better"  My baby loves me so much managed to give me hope despite her not being in the best of health.

3.  When she was transferred to Oakland Kaiser we were separated for many hours and she was by herself and alone.  She could have slipped away at any point.  My baby loves me so much she stayed alive when she was all by herself. 

4.  I got to see her for a minute or two when she was being transferred out of the Walnut Creek hospital.  But that was all too brief.  When I got to the Oakland Hospital I was all alone as my husband had not gotten there yet.  I wanted to go see her but my mind was going crazy, I could not think and the nurse was doing intake on me.  It was a few hours before I got to go see her for some quality time.  When I got to go see her, I got to tough her and talk to her.  My baby loves me so much that she waited for me and made me feel such joy and love when we were together.

5.  After the long day we had, we were both extremely tired, I was exhausted from being in labor from 6 that morning, the painkiller and my surgery. We were exhaused but I was afraid to leave her side. The nurses told us she should be okay and that we should go get some rest. My baby loves me so much that she let us rest a little before the most difficult moment of our lives. 

6.  At like 6 in the morning, the doctor came to get us, he said that she was not doing so well anymore and would probably slip away soon. When we got downstairs to hold her, she opened her eyes, and we met each other and saw each other for the first and only time. My baby loves me so much that she gifted me with getting to look into her soul.

7.  My baby loves me so much because she is my baby.  I carried her for nine months and she filled my life with happiness and love.  I felt joy and life was beautiful.  Thank you for loving me Delilah, I hope you know how much I love you too.  

Hello Friend?

When something tragic happens, that is when you know who your friends are.  They are the ones who check in on you and let you be yourself, they do not force you to pretend and make you feel like anything you are feeling is out of line.  They don't suggest that you "see someone."  I have a small cluster of friends, and I realized that some of them are not who they pretend to be.  Some friends showed up out of the blue and proved that even though I thought we were not that close, they care.  Some just want to be "postive" all the time and I feel like those friends can be let go.

Recently some friends of mine had their babies.   I was happy for them, it did leave me with a feeling of sadness and being left out.  These are rainbow babies they both has losses one full term like mine and one early mc.  I am very happy for them that they have their little ones now.  I want my little one too.  I want my Delilah back.  I miss her so much.  My little sweetpea they were all gonna play together.

I wonder if I am a good friend.  I say that I don't need some of my friends but I also feel that I don't try anymore. I don't care about anything and I don't make an effort to keep friends.  It would be easier to let go and just be by myself with my husband. 

But no.  Delilah would mot want that.  What about all the nice aunts and uncles that cried for her that also loved her.  It's difficult but I have to try.

Check please.

I'm done.  I need a break.  I don't want to be social and have to pretend to be okay when I'm not.  How are you doing? F*** off.  I'm angry and bitter right now.  So sick of everything.  I just want to dig a hole and crawl into it. 

Sing

There's a Coldplay song called "Fix You" but as usual I didn't hear the lyrics right and they all got jumbled and rewritten in my mind.  It became an anthem to my sadness and hope.  Below are the lyrics in my head, the rewritten version to their song to the same sad melody.

"Miss You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you don't get what you want, nor what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will miss you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will miss you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will miss you

Happy Father's Day

I thought about what I would do for my husband for Fathers Day for a while.  Although he didn't do anything for Mother's Day (he doesn't celebrate it as his mother ran out on him) because he didn't even know when it was.  I wanted him to feel special and loved, he only had two weeks off before he had to go back to work after we lost Delilah.

I made him a card from Delilah and I got him a pair of Pumas that look like the pair that I had gotten Delilah.  The card was homemade, it was a picture I took of baby bunny and poppa bunny standing in their matching Puma shoes, it said: I LOVE DADDY is gold letters.  Although I think Delilah would have wanted a pink background, the picture sits on top of a marbled dark blue which sit on top of another sheet of dark brown.  I wrote a not from Delilah to her Daddy, telling him that she loves him and that he's the best, but most importantly that she'll be back and they can match shoes at that point.  I also put a little joke on there about her not being sure if Daddy can work shoelaces because they look real hard, her shoes are Velcro.  

I wasn't sure when to give them to him, before or after work?  Before would be hard because he would probably cry, after would be okay, but I didn't want him feeling "left out" the whole day.  I knew he was having a hard time the last few days, he was sadder than usual.  So last night before bed, it was midnight so it was technically father's day.  Before we said good night to Delilah, I pulled out his present and told him Happy Father's Day, and that Delilah wanted him to have something because she loves him.  He broke into tears, and cried, I held him.  He told me I didn't need to get him anything, I told him that I didn't, that Delilah got it for her Daddy because she wants him to know that he's the best!  He stared at the card and said he wanted to put it up on his locker at work.  I hope that makes him feel his daughter's love and brings him comfort at work.  He also liked the shoes, like a little kid, he wore them to work today.  

I hope he has a good day today, he is such a good man, and he tries so hard to take care of his family.  I love my husband so much, he is a wonderful husband and daddy.

Come Back to Us

I want my baby back.  I’ve said that so many times since I said goodbye to my sweet little baby girl.  But what if I can have my Delilah Back?  My father in law was the first to say it.  A couple of days after we lost Delilah, he introduced the idea to us, he said, “She will come back.”  A couple of days later my mother told me that she spoke with an elder at her temple, and they told her that Delilah would be back.  So that’s two people, one from a loosely Muslim background, and the other from a Buddhist background that have told me the same thing.  A couple of weeks pass and a Christian friend of mine tells me that he believe that when we lose a baby, that baby can come back to us.  So that’s like multiple people from different backgrounds that have all told me the same thing, she’ll be back.

For the longest time, this was the only thing that gave me any comfort.  I could not get over never being able to be Delilah’s mommy again.  I miss her so much.  I believe that Delilah is watching over me, and one day she’ll be able to return to me and we can be a family again.  Maybe the timing wasn’t right, maybe she needed to pass away the first time so the next time she can stay with us forever.  I don’t know, maybe she would have gotten sick at some point and we would have lost her and at that later point in life we would not be able to have her back and this was the only way for us to have forever?

So Delilah is watching over us, waiting patiently for her turn again, waiting for me to get the ok so that she can come back to us and be our baby girl again.  I often ask my husband, what do you think she’s doing right now?  He’ll usually respond with “playing or eating something yummy.”  Sometimes I can picture her, and I let my mind wander.  Right after she passed away, I used to see her sitting propped up on a couch, she was yawning, then, at times she would wave to me.  Now I see her a bit older, she plays, hopping around doing a froggy squat.  I’ve seen her pick flowers, and I’ve seen her eating in a cafeteria like setting.  Once I saw her push a kid, I thought she was fighting but no, she was separating two kids.  I enjoy letting my mind wander and seeing her little adventure play out in my mind.  I miss her. 

Sometimes I wonder if letting myself believe that I can have her back is taking away from Delilah.  Like, I’m not accepting her death.  Like, I’m being delusional.  Even when I get “Delilah” back, I will still mourn for her.  Delilah is my first born, nothing will change that, the only thing is, her beautiful little soul will be with us again, this time as another baby.  She will be part of Delilah and I will cherish that.       

4 Months

June 13th Delilah would have turned 4 months old.  She would have started to make sounds and mimic us, start to "Mama, Dada".  Today was a strange day.  I took the day off to be with my husband as he was gone for a few days for a class.
Today was also the day that he was supposed to pick up his new car, we had went to test drive it when we were pregnant and we even tested her car seat in the back.  I cried at the dealership, Delilah was supposed to be here, in her little car seat ready to experience her daddy try to drive stick.  

When I got home that day, I cried some more and ended up going to my usual remedy.  I went online shopping for baby stuff.  I picked out a bunch of clothes for her, for all different ages, because I have to believe that she will come back to me, that she will be my little girl again.       

All By Myself

On Sunday I dropped my husband off at work knowing that I would not see him until Wednesday night.  He is at a class for work.  It is the first time that we have really been apart for more than a day since we have been together.  More so, it is the first time we have been apart since we lost Delilah.   These last two days have been so hard.   I found myself crying most of the time I'm at home.  When I go to sleep we talk on the phone and have our nightly talk with Delilah together.  Then I cry myself to sleep.  I rely so much on my husband for support, I didn't realize how much.  I miss him and can't wait for him to get back tomorrow.  I also miss Delilah.  I miss my sweet little girl so much.  I am really hoping that she will be able to return to us as another beautiful little girl.  Then we can be together as the family we were meant to be.

A part of you even when apart.

I had read about on another blog and found such comfort in it.  Fetal cells enter the mothers body and will be forever be a part of her.  They cells live on for the rest of mom's life and they even can help repair mom's broken heart.
In my case I alway knew that I had a part of Delilah in me, but for me it was sad because it was what made her body so weak that she ended up passing away.  The feto-maternal hemorrhage had put her blood into me from the placenta and not returned her blood to her.  I thought that her cells would have been attacked by mine and lost.  So it was a double negative.
Knowing that her cells live on inside me makes me a little less sad, part of Delilah is with me and will stay with me even though her body is gone.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRHNHe95eMQ&feature=youtu.be

http://boingboing.net/2012/01/03/cells.html#more-136905

Days come and go.

On Friday, May 31st I did not cry.  It was a busy day and I guess I was too distracted to let my sadness take over.  Saturday was different.  I had a mini breakdown when I was home by myself.  So far I've gone a day twice without crying.  I was proud of myself for those days but also felt so guilty for having a day that I was not overcome with grief.  

On Sunday, I managed not to cry also, Monday was the same.  This is the first time since I lost Delilah that it has been more than one day without tears.  I told my husband and he said that it was a good thing, it means that I'm healing.  But, to me, the thought that I would have even a day without crying is scary as hell.  How am I functioning, what is wrong with me, how dare I let myself feel "normal!"  I feel so guilty when I have "normal days." 

Tuesday was rough.  I guess it builds up for me.  I'll think that I'm okay but the flood gates just open a day or so later and all the tears that were held back come out, I'm drowning in my tears again.  Flooded with overwhelming sadness.  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were very difficult to work through, I found myself crying in my cubicle.  

Everything bad comes pouring into my mind, I see her laying there on the slab as the flames get her and turn her to ash.  I feel guilty for not being able to be with her longer before and after she passed away.  I blame myself for not being able to protect her, despite her giving me a feeling that the "placenta is scary looking."  

I try to give myself time each day, to let myself feel it, let myself be sad so it does not overwhelm me, like a controlled burn you see firefighters doing.  Today I just feel like sadness is sitting on my chest, sadness is heavy and won't let me move.