Things Thats Helped

Certain things really helped me these last few months.  Aside from my wonderful husband, kind family, and great friends; these things helped to make me less sad. 

Daffodil: she is a bunny that my sister helped me pick out.  We then went to the craft store and bought a bunch of poly beads.  We filled Daffodil up and stuffed some fluff in her to create a weighted doll.  Now I hold Daffodil whenever I get sad.  Her sweet eyes remind me of Delilah.  Her sweet face reminds me of Delilah's energy.

Rutabaga:  although I treasure Daffodil, I could not take her everywhere with me.  So instead, I have Rutabaga.  He stays in my purse and I take him everywhere.   When I get sad, I pull him out to hold.

My necklace: my loving coworkers showed up one day aftet Delilah passed away and presented me with a necklace.  On one side it reads "Mother to an Angel" the other side reads het name "Delilah Sage"  When I get sad, I often find myself touching or rubbing my necklace. 

My "Delilah Sage" ring.  My husband got me a ring for Christmas when I was pregnant with Delilah.   It has her name engraved on the inside.  The idea was to wear that instead of my wedding ring so it would not cut her. 

All these things are just stuff but when you feel so blue all the time, it's nice to be able to have something that you can hold and makes you fell a little less sad.

Delilah's Third Wedding

Delilah has attended two weddings.  She was a tiny little one growilng in me at her first wedding.  We drove all the way down to Ontario, CA and my husband had to stop at a bunch of rest stops for me to pee.  I felt to gassy like I needed to burp but couldn't.  But I was happy, because Delilah was there and she was everything. 
The second Wedding was my sister in law, she got knocked up and was having a shot gun wedding...  Delilah was starting to make her presence known then.  I had a bit up a bump, but my dress mostly covered her.  My father inlaw decided to announce to the whole freaking place that we were pregnant.  Thanks a lot. 
This would have been the first wedding that Delilah would have been out for, dressed in a pretty dress, bow in her hair.  I would have been sitting near the back by an isle so we could step out if she cried.  My sweet little girl would have looked so adorable.  She would have kept me company while her daddy was off busy being a groomsman.  I'll be by myself tomorrow.  I volunteered to help with setting up to keep busy, we'll see how that goes.  The brides's friends will be there.  There were two women due around the same time as us.  They will be there with their babies. 
I don't know how I will handle the whole thing, im not in a cheerful wedding mood, not really in a mood to be happy at all.  Life sucks sometimes.  I'm glad that our firendsa re getting married, but I don't want to go, I don't want to get dressed up and pretend to be cheerful.  I don't want to be anything...
I wish that she could be there with me, sitting on my lap, all excited and watching all the people, the pretty lights and decorations, but no.  That will not be the case, at least not physically.  I love you Delilah, I miss you.

Six Months

The last few days have been very rough.  I've spiraled down into a dark abyss.  There is no light just sorrow.  It's three in the morning, the 14th.  How I hate that day.  Yesterday Delilah would have turned six months old.  Rolling and startling to want to crawl!!!  But no. No pampers cruisers or crawl with me turtle.  Just dissapointment.  Dissapointment in myself.  I hate myself.  I should have known.  Should have done better kick counts.  Should have taken labor more seriously.  She tried to tell me something was wrong.  A week before I went into labor I had a weird urge to look up placenta and that thing scared the crap out of me.  Why didn't I understand that she was trying to tell me something.  I hate myself for having failed her.  My beautiful loving little girl.  I hate myself for not being able to protect her.  I hate myself.  I wish that I had died instead.

What's "Normal" When it comes to Death

I've noticed that a lot of the time in old married coupled, when one of them passes away, the ofther one soon follows.  They will appear healthy then suddenly decline and their heart will give out.  A broken heart. 
Possibly it's depression, no desire the thrive, their loved one is gone, the one they spent their whole life with, their partner in crime.  Gone.
In life, we typically experiance our first loss when our grandparents pass away.    Then later we eventually lose our parents.  It is unnatural for a parent to lose a child. 

Theoden: Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas, that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see that last days of my house.
Gandalf: Théodred's death was not of your making.
Theoden: No parent should have to bury their child.
Gandalf: He was strong in life. His spirit will find the way to the halls of your fathers.

Yes Gandalf, everyone says it's not my fault but I can't help but think it is.  It's not normal, my heart is broken, when do I die. 

Dresses

Today was a bad day.  I don't know what specifically set me off but I have been crying most of the day so far.  I decided to force myself out of the house.  I knew where I was headed and really hoped that I would not end up crying there as well.  I went to Babies R Us.  I bought four beautiful newborn size dresses and some head bands.  These are gonna be donated to the NICU.  I want the other parents to be able to hold their little angels when they are all dresses up.  So they can be beutiful for their parents when they see them in the hospital for the last and sometimes first time.   A lot of the time things are so chaotic we don't remember to bring an outfit for then or its so unexpected.  Delilah would have loved these little dresses.   And now they can be her gift to the other baby girls that are going to join her.   They can play together in their pretty dresses until they return to us. 

Flowers

Today I bought flowers at the farmers market like I do every Friday for Delilah.   I was asked once before, what are the flowers for?  I told the co-worker:  They are for Delilah.  She muttered an uncomfortable "oh" and that was it.

Today another co-worker asked today and I answered in the same way.  Instead of responding with any gesture or anyrhing she sped walked away.  WTF.  This woman pretended to be all interested when I was pregnant and everything was all happy.  Fuck that bitch.  Screw her and her stupid self.  I'm so tired of this shit.   There are so many things that piss me off now.  She is one of them.