Sing

There's a Coldplay song called "Fix You" but as usual I didn't hear the lyrics right and they all got jumbled and rewritten in my mind.  It became an anthem to my sadness and hope.  Below are the lyrics in my head, the rewritten version to their song to the same sad melody.

"Miss You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you don't get what you want, nor what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse


And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will miss you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will miss you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones

And I will miss you

Happy Father's Day

I thought about what I would do for my husband for Fathers Day for a while.  Although he didn't do anything for Mother's Day (he doesn't celebrate it as his mother ran out on him) because he didn't even know when it was.  I wanted him to feel special and loved, he only had two weeks off before he had to go back to work after we lost Delilah.

I made him a card from Delilah and I got him a pair of Pumas that look like the pair that I had gotten Delilah.  The card was homemade, it was a picture I took of baby bunny and poppa bunny standing in their matching Puma shoes, it said: I LOVE DADDY is gold letters.  Although I think Delilah would have wanted a pink background, the picture sits on top of a marbled dark blue which sit on top of another sheet of dark brown.  I wrote a not from Delilah to her Daddy, telling him that she loves him and that he's the best, but most importantly that she'll be back and they can match shoes at that point.  I also put a little joke on there about her not being sure if Daddy can work shoelaces because they look real hard, her shoes are Velcro.  

I wasn't sure when to give them to him, before or after work?  Before would be hard because he would probably cry, after would be okay, but I didn't want him feeling "left out" the whole day.  I knew he was having a hard time the last few days, he was sadder than usual.  So last night before bed, it was midnight so it was technically father's day.  Before we said good night to Delilah, I pulled out his present and told him Happy Father's Day, and that Delilah wanted him to have something because she loves him.  He broke into tears, and cried, I held him.  He told me I didn't need to get him anything, I told him that I didn't, that Delilah got it for her Daddy because she wants him to know that he's the best!  He stared at the card and said he wanted to put it up on his locker at work.  I hope that makes him feel his daughter's love and brings him comfort at work.  He also liked the shoes, like a little kid, he wore them to work today.  

I hope he has a good day today, he is such a good man, and he tries so hard to take care of his family.  I love my husband so much, he is a wonderful husband and daddy.

Come Back to Us

I want my baby back.  I’ve said that so many times since I said goodbye to my sweet little baby girl.  But what if I can have my Delilah Back?  My father in law was the first to say it.  A couple of days after we lost Delilah, he introduced the idea to us, he said, “She will come back.”  A couple of days later my mother told me that she spoke with an elder at her temple, and they told her that Delilah would be back.  So that’s two people, one from a loosely Muslim background, and the other from a Buddhist background that have told me the same thing.  A couple of weeks pass and a Christian friend of mine tells me that he believe that when we lose a baby, that baby can come back to us.  So that’s like multiple people from different backgrounds that have all told me the same thing, she’ll be back.

For the longest time, this was the only thing that gave me any comfort.  I could not get over never being able to be Delilah’s mommy again.  I miss her so much.  I believe that Delilah is watching over me, and one day she’ll be able to return to me and we can be a family again.  Maybe the timing wasn’t right, maybe she needed to pass away the first time so the next time she can stay with us forever.  I don’t know, maybe she would have gotten sick at some point and we would have lost her and at that later point in life we would not be able to have her back and this was the only way for us to have forever?

So Delilah is watching over us, waiting patiently for her turn again, waiting for me to get the ok so that she can come back to us and be our baby girl again.  I often ask my husband, what do you think she’s doing right now?  He’ll usually respond with “playing or eating something yummy.”  Sometimes I can picture her, and I let my mind wander.  Right after she passed away, I used to see her sitting propped up on a couch, she was yawning, then, at times she would wave to me.  Now I see her a bit older, she plays, hopping around doing a froggy squat.  I’ve seen her pick flowers, and I’ve seen her eating in a cafeteria like setting.  Once I saw her push a kid, I thought she was fighting but no, she was separating two kids.  I enjoy letting my mind wander and seeing her little adventure play out in my mind.  I miss her. 

Sometimes I wonder if letting myself believe that I can have her back is taking away from Delilah.  Like, I’m not accepting her death.  Like, I’m being delusional.  Even when I get “Delilah” back, I will still mourn for her.  Delilah is my first born, nothing will change that, the only thing is, her beautiful little soul will be with us again, this time as another baby.  She will be part of Delilah and I will cherish that.       

4 Months

June 13th Delilah would have turned 4 months old.  She would have started to make sounds and mimic us, start to "Mama, Dada".  Today was a strange day.  I took the day off to be with my husband as he was gone for a few days for a class.
Today was also the day that he was supposed to pick up his new car, we had went to test drive it when we were pregnant and we even tested her car seat in the back.  I cried at the dealership, Delilah was supposed to be here, in her little car seat ready to experience her daddy try to drive stick.  

When I got home that day, I cried some more and ended up going to my usual remedy.  I went online shopping for baby stuff.  I picked out a bunch of clothes for her, for all different ages, because I have to believe that she will come back to me, that she will be my little girl again.       

All By Myself

On Sunday I dropped my husband off at work knowing that I would not see him until Wednesday night.  He is at a class for work.  It is the first time that we have really been apart for more than a day since we have been together.  More so, it is the first time we have been apart since we lost Delilah.   These last two days have been so hard.   I found myself crying most of the time I'm at home.  When I go to sleep we talk on the phone and have our nightly talk with Delilah together.  Then I cry myself to sleep.  I rely so much on my husband for support, I didn't realize how much.  I miss him and can't wait for him to get back tomorrow.  I also miss Delilah.  I miss my sweet little girl so much.  I am really hoping that she will be able to return to us as another beautiful little girl.  Then we can be together as the family we were meant to be.

A part of you even when apart.

I had read about on another blog and found such comfort in it.  Fetal cells enter the mothers body and will be forever be a part of her.  They cells live on for the rest of mom's life and they even can help repair mom's broken heart.
In my case I alway knew that I had a part of Delilah in me, but for me it was sad because it was what made her body so weak that she ended up passing away.  The feto-maternal hemorrhage had put her blood into me from the placenta and not returned her blood to her.  I thought that her cells would have been attacked by mine and lost.  So it was a double negative.
Knowing that her cells live on inside me makes me a little less sad, part of Delilah is with me and will stay with me even though her body is gone.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRHNHe95eMQ&feature=youtu.be

http://boingboing.net/2012/01/03/cells.html#more-136905

Days come and go.

On Friday, May 31st I did not cry.  It was a busy day and I guess I was too distracted to let my sadness take over.  Saturday was different.  I had a mini breakdown when I was home by myself.  So far I've gone a day twice without crying.  I was proud of myself for those days but also felt so guilty for having a day that I was not overcome with grief.  

On Sunday, I managed not to cry also, Monday was the same.  This is the first time since I lost Delilah that it has been more than one day without tears.  I told my husband and he said that it was a good thing, it means that I'm healing.  But, to me, the thought that I would have even a day without crying is scary as hell.  How am I functioning, what is wrong with me, how dare I let myself feel "normal!"  I feel so guilty when I have "normal days." 

Tuesday was rough.  I guess it builds up for me.  I'll think that I'm okay but the flood gates just open a day or so later and all the tears that were held back come out, I'm drowning in my tears again.  Flooded with overwhelming sadness.  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were very difficult to work through, I found myself crying in my cubicle.  

Everything bad comes pouring into my mind, I see her laying there on the slab as the flames get her and turn her to ash.  I feel guilty for not being able to be with her longer before and after she passed away.  I blame myself for not being able to protect her, despite her giving me a feeling that the "placenta is scary looking."  

I try to give myself time each day, to let myself feel it, let myself be sad so it does not overwhelm me, like a controlled burn you see firefighters doing.  Today I just feel like sadness is sitting on my chest, sadness is heavy and won't let me move.