Babies

I went out today to a few stores by Home Depot.  Things were going well.  I did wander into the baby section but nothing managed to tip the cup.  Then I saw her.  A brand new baby girl.  Her mommy was busy looking at shoes.  I wanted to take her baby.  I wanted to hold her and play with her and close my eyes and pretend that that baby was Delilah.  I turn down the isle and left.  Then I came home and cried.
After feeling sorry for myself I managed a pep talk and ended up in the garage.  I got out the jig saw and cut the wood for her shelves.  Then I sanded the edges and painted them.  I did good Delilah.  Your room will finally have shelves for all the books that you've accumulated.  I love you Delilah.

5 Months

Today she would have been 5 months old.  And I miss her so much.  Some might question how i can miss her so much when she was only alive for fifteen hours.  I miss the way she made me feel; I felt so happy and at peace.  I was so happy with Delilah.  I miss what could have been what should have been.  Our family.  The three of us happily staying home together and being so content.  I love my Delilah.  
Today I delided to make a statue to keep my hands busy and create something to express my hopes and dreams.

Things we wish we did

I was in Delilah's room the other day. I go in there often to touch her things and think about her.  I miss her so much.  I see her growing collection of books, books that I had only started buying after I lost her. 
They make me think of all the things that I wish we had done.   I wish that I had talked to her more when she was still in my uterus.  I wish we had read to her.  That my husband had spent more time with his hand on my tummy talking to her instead of watching car videos on his phone.  I wish we had interacted with her more. 
We did take some time every week though to take a belly photo.  That was something my husband wanted to do and I'm so grateful to him for that.  I had also wanted to take some of those cute couple photos while pregnant.  Where mom and dad made a heart shape with their hand over the baby bump.  Where dad held mom and looked so proud of his growing little one.  I had bugged him a bunch of times toward the end of the pregnacy.  Everytime he was tired or he needed a hair cut.  We never did take those photos. 
Regret is something that sits heavily on your chest when you lose your baby.  All the what ifs but this post is mot about that.  I realized that despite all the things that I wish I had done with Delilah on board and by my side, we did do a lot. 
We attended two weddings, test drove a car, changed departments at work.  We found a yummy new restaurant thanks to a Belgium waffle craving.  We saw a giant cinnamon roll.  We put together her glider.  I was sad that I never gpt to hold her and rock her on it; but, I realized that I did.  We rocked on it for a little bit after we put it together.
It's so easy to get caught up in all the things we missed out on.  That we only have bits and pieces of fifteen hours.  I often times forget that we also had nine beautiful months together.  I am grateful for that.  I got to know the most loving and beautiful little baby girl ever.  Yes, I'm selfish.  I wish I had more time but who wouldn't.  Bit on those difficult days, I've been having a lot of those lately, I have to take comfort in the time we did have.  I love my Delilah and she loved me.

Lost

Lately it feels like I'm caught in a rip tide.  I was wading around in life and then this undercurrent shows up and drags me under.  I am being pulled from the shore, and it's getting further and further away.

On Friday I took Delilah's name off the wall in her room, I've know that it had to be done at some point but the act of actually doing it hit me like a sledge hammer.  I ended up putting her name in a shadow box in our room.  It was my husband's idea, he said then we can see her pretty name in our room and it'll still be up somewhere.  Removing her name was so hard, it was like taking her away.  But now her name sits in a shadow bow in my room, with all the birds and flowers and butterflies that embellished each letter.

My husband also had me move her urn to our bedroom.  It was strange the way he suggested it.  I kinda heard his dad's voice behind the suggestion.  That it was strange for people to see when they come over.  Shit, I don't know where people keep urns, why can't she be in the living room mantle?  Why is it weird, why do I care what other people think?  I'm sad everyday of my life.  And seeing her there with me makes me feel less lonely.

Lonely, my husband is away with one of his good friends.  It's the guy's "Bachelor Weekend" I'm glad my husband gets to get away and be happy for a bit but I miss him.  While I was pregnant with Delilah,  it was always "us, we" I was a team, I was never alone, after I lost Delilah, I attached myself to my husband, and get so lonely when he is not home.  I can hardly even leave the house.  I just want to stay in and sleep and not do anything all day.

Dammit, I'm mad at this world.  Why did Delilah have to be taken from me, I love her so much, I miss her so much.  This is completely unfair.

Work Baby Shower

Last week I went to the party store and bought decorations for my coworkers "welcome back to work baby shower."  They had their Rainbow last month.  When the found out that we had lost our baby they can and visited with us.  They held us and cried with us.  They are good people so I wanted to help them feel special and let them know how happy we are for them.  I decorated his cubicle and planned his party.  Today when he got back to work I congratulated him and smiled and asked questions.  I enjoyed hearing about the hijinks and stuff but then I got really sad.  It was overwhelming and hard to handle.  I excused myself and went back to my desk to cry.  I am so happy for them, trully I am.  But I can't help but be sad. 

Were you there? Was it a sign?

Yesterday I went to one of my best friend's house warming party.  It occurred to me that this would have been the first time that I would have taken Delilah out anywhere by myself.  I was dreading going,

I don't like to be without my husband nowadays, it feels so lonely, for nine months, I had Delilah by my side.  

I was also dreading the pretending to be happy and smiling, it's always difficult.  At the party, I tried to keep occupied by helping out.  By my thoughts wandered.

I thought about how it was such a hot day, would I have had her in her Ergo Baby carrier?  That would have been very warm, too warm, sticky baby and sticky momma.  Maybe the Maya Baby Carrier?  No that would have been the same thing.  Sticky.  Then I though I could have been just carrying her around?  No, maybe bring her her car seat in?  Or the mini bassinet  thing that attached to her play pen.

I kept thinking about about my darling baby and how she would have been so excited seeing everyone.  She was growing inside me the last time I saw these people.  I was getting pretty sad then I saw this humming bird fly through the sky toward the peach tree in the yard.  Humming birds have been symbolic of Delilah to me ever since she passed away.  It was like she was telling me that she was there and it would be okay.

The thing that really struck me was when I was driving home, I was headed down the street and I saw it, one of the side streets, it had the same name that my husband and I had decided would be Delilah's new name when she came back to us.  It was a sign.  My baby will return us.  I love you baby.

7 Signs Your Baby Loves You...

Today I got one of those automated emails from babycenter.com.  The headline was "7 Signs Your Baby Loves You"
At first I got a little sad, I don't have Delilah physically with me... no signs.  But then I thought to myself, of course she loves me.  My Delilah fought so hard and she  was so resiliant.  We were separated for most of the time she was alive, there were so many times when we could have lost her.  So many times where I would have missed out on the gift it was to be able to cold her and cuddle her to offer her confort and love. 

1.  When Delilah was born, she was not breathing, she coded in the ER right after they got her out of me.  She was not breathing for almost ten minutes but she showed other signs of life which prompted the Pediatrics team to not give up on her, they eventually got a heartbeat.  My baby loves me so much she forced her heart to work for me. 

2.  When I was still under general anesthesia  she could have slipped away, she was severly anemic and not clotting, she was bleeding out everything that was going in through transfusion.  Delilah managed to stabilize herself, somehow with the help of the doctors she managed to "start to do a little better"  My baby loves me so much managed to give me hope despite her not being in the best of health.

3.  When she was transferred to Oakland Kaiser we were separated for many hours and she was by herself and alone.  She could have slipped away at any point.  My baby loves me so much she stayed alive when she was all by herself. 

4.  I got to see her for a minute or two when she was being transferred out of the Walnut Creek hospital.  But that was all too brief.  When I got to the Oakland Hospital I was all alone as my husband had not gotten there yet.  I wanted to go see her but my mind was going crazy, I could not think and the nurse was doing intake on me.  It was a few hours before I got to go see her for some quality time.  When I got to go see her, I got to tough her and talk to her.  My baby loves me so much that she waited for me and made me feel such joy and love when we were together.

5.  After the long day we had, we were both extremely tired, I was exhausted from being in labor from 6 that morning, the painkiller and my surgery. We were exhaused but I was afraid to leave her side. The nurses told us she should be okay and that we should go get some rest. My baby loves me so much that she let us rest a little before the most difficult moment of our lives. 

6.  At like 6 in the morning, the doctor came to get us, he said that she was not doing so well anymore and would probably slip away soon. When we got downstairs to hold her, she opened her eyes, and we met each other and saw each other for the first and only time. My baby loves me so much that she gifted me with getting to look into her soul.

7.  My baby loves me so much because she is my baby.  I carried her for nine months and she filled my life with happiness and love.  I felt joy and life was beautiful.  Thank you for loving me Delilah, I hope you know how much I love you too.