Six Months

The last few days have been very rough.  I've spiraled down into a dark abyss.  There is no light just sorrow.  It's three in the morning, the 14th.  How I hate that day.  Yesterday Delilah would have turned six months old.  Rolling and startling to want to crawl!!!  But no. No pampers cruisers or crawl with me turtle.  Just dissapointment.  Dissapointment in myself.  I hate myself.  I should have known.  Should have done better kick counts.  Should have taken labor more seriously.  She tried to tell me something was wrong.  A week before I went into labor I had a weird urge to look up placenta and that thing scared the crap out of me.  Why didn't I understand that she was trying to tell me something.  I hate myself for having failed her.  My beautiful loving little girl.  I hate myself for not being able to protect her.  I hate myself.  I wish that I had died instead.

What's "Normal" When it comes to Death

I've noticed that a lot of the time in old married coupled, when one of them passes away, the ofther one soon follows.  They will appear healthy then suddenly decline and their heart will give out.  A broken heart. 
Possibly it's depression, no desire the thrive, their loved one is gone, the one they spent their whole life with, their partner in crime.  Gone.
In life, we typically experiance our first loss when our grandparents pass away.    Then later we eventually lose our parents.  It is unnatural for a parent to lose a child. 

Theoden: Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas, that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see that last days of my house.
Gandalf: Théodred's death was not of your making.
Theoden: No parent should have to bury their child.
Gandalf: He was strong in life. His spirit will find the way to the halls of your fathers.

Yes Gandalf, everyone says it's not my fault but I can't help but think it is.  It's not normal, my heart is broken, when do I die. 

Dresses

Today was a bad day.  I don't know what specifically set me off but I have been crying most of the day so far.  I decided to force myself out of the house.  I knew where I was headed and really hoped that I would not end up crying there as well.  I went to Babies R Us.  I bought four beautiful newborn size dresses and some head bands.  These are gonna be donated to the NICU.  I want the other parents to be able to hold their little angels when they are all dresses up.  So they can be beutiful for their parents when they see them in the hospital for the last and sometimes first time.   A lot of the time things are so chaotic we don't remember to bring an outfit for then or its so unexpected.  Delilah would have loved these little dresses.   And now they can be her gift to the other baby girls that are going to join her.   They can play together in their pretty dresses until they return to us. 

Flowers

Today I bought flowers at the farmers market like I do every Friday for Delilah.   I was asked once before, what are the flowers for?  I told the co-worker:  They are for Delilah.  She muttered an uncomfortable "oh" and that was it.

Today another co-worker asked today and I answered in the same way.  Instead of responding with any gesture or anyrhing she sped walked away.  WTF.  This woman pretended to be all interested when I was pregnant and everything was all happy.  Fuck that bitch.  Screw her and her stupid self.  I'm so tired of this shit.   There are so many things that piss me off now.  She is one of them.

Last year...

Yesterday my dad turned 59.  Last year on his birthday he was so happy when I told him that he was going to be a grandpa.  This year I sit at his birthday dinner without his grand daughter in my arms.  I realized after dinner on the way home that I hate family get togethers.  It reminds me that I failed.  I failed to safely bring my precious daughter into this world.  My beuatiful little Delilah is not here in my arms like she should be.  I am a failure.  Lately I can't get my mind off of her final moments.  How she tried so hard. She was tough and determined to give us what ever time she could manage.   The ultra sound technician said that she was stubborn when she refused to move out of the way so he could get a clear picture of the placenta.  I had a partial previa at the beginning of the pregnacy.  Who knew that would be the evil lurking monster around the corner.  The girl is stubborn.  Hopefully her stubborness will pay off and she'll get to come back as my next child.  I live for you Delilah.   I love you. 

My Fellow Responsible People

It is scary and alarming.  My fellow responsible people, we are waiting too long!!!  Look around you, on BART on the streets, in the malls, all these kids and otherwise trashy people are populating the Earth.  Guess what ladies, when we hit 35 our chances of getting pregnant drastically drop!  We have good jobs and places to live, we are doing good in the world.  Make babies people!  It is our responsibility to the world to produce responsible offspring.  Who else is gonna take over the government?  Come one folks.

The hiccips

My Sweet Delilah,
The first time I noticed it I had to look it up online to make sure it was normal.  You were hiccupping.  A bunch of tiny thuds inside my uterus.  I felt bad for you because I know I do not like getting the hiccups; you would get them all the time.
One time I was trying to do a kick count and there you went.  I miss you hiccuping.  I miss you.