October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Delilah has kept me going. The thought of her watching me, or her wishing me well. That one day, just maybe, her little sould will get to return to us and she can be our baby again. The hope of holding her again, of being able to take her home and raise her, play with her and teach her. To see her grow into the wonderful person she was destined to become.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 3
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My husband has been so strong and supportive durring this difficult time. No only did he physically take care of me as I had left the hospital early, he had been there emotionally. We cried together and shared our memories of Delilah. We shared our dreams and what we thought she would have been like.
For a while, right after the loss, I used to get visions of Delilah in my mind. At first she was propped up against a chair sitting, she would wave at me or yawn. Those visions helped me though a lot of dark times as well. They would give me hope, that my baby was still around in some form, that she would be able to return to be, different but her sweet little sould, full of love and joy.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My husband has been so strong and supportive durring this difficult time. No only did he physically take care of me as I had left the hospital early, he had been there emotionally. We cried together and shared our memories of Delilah. We shared our dreams and what we thought she would have been like.
For a while, right after the loss, I used to get visions of Delilah in my mind. At first she was propped up against a chair sitting, she would wave at me or yawn. Those visions helped me though a lot of dark times as well. They would give me hope, that my baby was still around in some form, that she would be able to return to be, different but her sweet little sould, full of love and joy.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Day 2
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:
Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Her name is Delilah Sage. She was 6 pounds 6 ounces born at 3:56 pm. It was a sunny afternoon full of hope.
She had a stork bite on her forehead. She also had Mongolain spots on her butt which I did not get to see but I read about in her medical report. She had long fingers and shiny nails, so pretty. She had my toes, long and her feet were big. My sweet little Delilah loved to kick, she was a kicker. Delilah was sweet, she exuded happiness and love. It was effervescent. She had a blanch mark on her chest. Her lips were so perfect, my bottom lip and daddy's top lip. She didn't have a lot of hair but enough. So pretty.
Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Her name is Delilah Sage. She was 6 pounds 6 ounces born at 3:56 pm. It was a sunny afternoon full of hope.
She had a stork bite on her forehead. She also had Mongolain spots on her butt which I did not get to see but I read about in her medical report. She had long fingers and shiny nails, so pretty. She had my toes, long and her feet were big. My sweet little Delilah loved to kick, she was a kicker. Delilah was sweet, she exuded happiness and love. It was effervescent. She had a blanch mark on her chest. Her lips were so perfect, my bottom lip and daddy's top lip. She didn't have a lot of hair but enough. So pretty.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Day 1
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
My name is Bonnie, I grew up in the East Bay. I can't complain too much about my childhood, I had parents that provided for me and a great little sister. I met my husband in 2002, but it wasn't until 2004 that we would start dating. We married in 2010 and moved into our own place in 2011. In 2012 I would turn 30 and I knew I wanted to start having babies.
Growing up I was never much of a "dolly" girl, I didn't want to nurture a baby doll or anything. I was into bugs and Ninja Turtles. As I got older, I still never really got into kids, they were not appealing to me and I didn't want one. When I got together with my husband, it was kind of the same thoughts. I didn't want kids, then slowly, maybe. Now, most definatley.
I think my adversion to children came from not feeling loved by my parents and my fear that my own children would not love me. It's scary, definately.
Then I got into dogs and cats. My whole life I've loved animals, and my husband and I adopted an entire brood of them. i used to be pretty close to them, now, not so much.
During the course of my pregnacy, I came to realize though that love between a parent and child is so natural, so strong. I felt her love as she kicked the crap out of my uterus. I love those love taps.
My Delilah has taught me so much, and I am a better person because of her.
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
My name is Bonnie, I grew up in the East Bay. I can't complain too much about my childhood, I had parents that provided for me and a great little sister. I met my husband in 2002, but it wasn't until 2004 that we would start dating. We married in 2010 and moved into our own place in 2011. In 2012 I would turn 30 and I knew I wanted to start having babies.
Growing up I was never much of a "dolly" girl, I didn't want to nurture a baby doll or anything. I was into bugs and Ninja Turtles. As I got older, I still never really got into kids, they were not appealing to me and I didn't want one. When I got together with my husband, it was kind of the same thoughts. I didn't want kids, then slowly, maybe. Now, most definatley.
I think my adversion to children came from not feeling loved by my parents and my fear that my own children would not love me. It's scary, definately.
Then I got into dogs and cats. My whole life I've loved animals, and my husband and I adopted an entire brood of them. i used to be pretty close to them, now, not so much.
During the course of my pregnacy, I came to realize though that love between a parent and child is so natural, so strong. I felt her love as she kicked the crap out of my uterus. I love those love taps.
My Delilah has taught me so much, and I am a better person because of her.
Monday, September 30, 2013
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month
October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides you, speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides you, speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
31 years and only 9 months of true happiness
31 years ago today, I cam into this world.
One year ago, I was happy, I saw a bright future where I would truly have a family and everything would be perfect.
Today I no longer brimming with joy. The images of me holding Delilah as I turned 31 are not reality, a shattered image of what should have been.
I didn't want to see my family today but they forced their way over anyway, despite my sister's best efforts. I'm grateful for my friends and their respect of my need to wallow in my pit of despair.
When I got up I was mad. The stupid little dog stole my cinnamon bun. Then I tried to drown my thought in mindless television, that didn't work, so I went for a drive. The weird thing is that I ended up at Babys R Us. I bought some books with the coupon that they had sent me.
There is me without you. I feel like I should longer exist because Delilah does not physically exist anymore. Her perfect little features, those long fingers that used to brush against me. I love and miss her so much.
31 years ago, I was born, yes, I feel like I should not exist but without me, there would not be a you either. You existed, and some how, were conceived from someone as messed up as me. I love you Delilah.
Delilah is the reason for living, Delilah and her futuer sisters or brothers, hopefully, all sisters. 31 years all seem wasted, no point to any of it. Go to school, get an education, get a job, work, work, work, what's the point. Things no longer appeal to me, family is my goal, to have a beautiful family, work to make them happy, work to provide for them. I have a purpose now.
One year ago, I was happy, I saw a bright future where I would truly have a family and everything would be perfect.
Today I no longer brimming with joy. The images of me holding Delilah as I turned 31 are not reality, a shattered image of what should have been.
I didn't want to see my family today but they forced their way over anyway, despite my sister's best efforts. I'm grateful for my friends and their respect of my need to wallow in my pit of despair.
When I got up I was mad. The stupid little dog stole my cinnamon bun. Then I tried to drown my thought in mindless television, that didn't work, so I went for a drive. The weird thing is that I ended up at Babys R Us. I bought some books with the coupon that they had sent me.
There is me without you. I feel like I should longer exist because Delilah does not physically exist anymore. Her perfect little features, those long fingers that used to brush against me. I love and miss her so much.
31 years ago, I was born, yes, I feel like I should not exist but without me, there would not be a you either. You existed, and some how, were conceived from someone as messed up as me. I love you Delilah.
Delilah is the reason for living, Delilah and her futuer sisters or brothers, hopefully, all sisters. 31 years all seem wasted, no point to any of it. Go to school, get an education, get a job, work, work, work, what's the point. Things no longer appeal to me, family is my goal, to have a beautiful family, work to make them happy, work to provide for them. I have a purpose now.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Baby Fever
I see them everywhere and hear all the coos and soft cries. I dream of fish, that's supposed to mean someone in the family is preggers. I found out a month or so after I started this post that my cousin is pregnant, she would have conceived around the time I lost my Delilah.
A couple of weeks ago I dreamed of Delilah, kinda, she was in a spaceship thingy, she was wearing a helmet with a visor. She was dressed in a white racing suite. It was like a race of sorts, she was trying to get to the finish to the goal, and doing very well. Pew pew, blow away the competition.
I want a baby so badly, but I want Delilah more. I am afraid that sice my OK to TTC date is approaching and if we do get pregnant right away, I'll be so dissapointed if I don't get my little girl. I really want a little girl, I need her. I'm afraid that if I end up having a son I'll resent him.
What kind of thoughts is that! What is wrong with me, the right thing to think about is that if I am lucky enough to have a happy healthy baby, it is just that. Alive and happy and healthy. I need to get over my craziness.
Maybe I'm not ready.
A couple of weeks ago I dreamed of Delilah, kinda, she was in a spaceship thingy, she was wearing a helmet with a visor. She was dressed in a white racing suite. It was like a race of sorts, she was trying to get to the finish to the goal, and doing very well. Pew pew, blow away the competition.
I want a baby so badly, but I want Delilah more. I am afraid that sice my OK to TTC date is approaching and if we do get pregnant right away, I'll be so dissapointed if I don't get my little girl. I really want a little girl, I need her. I'm afraid that if I end up having a son I'll resent him.
What kind of thoughts is that! What is wrong with me, the right thing to think about is that if I am lucky enough to have a happy healthy baby, it is just that. Alive and happy and healthy. I need to get over my craziness.
Maybe I'm not ready.
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