This is not my first baby.

"Is this your first baby?" 
"No, this is my second." 
And I walk away.  That's they way it usually goes.  I will never not the existence of my precious little girl.  Lately, it's been hurting.  My heart is breaking again.  I miss her so much.  My little girl would have been two this year.  She would have been such a great big sis.  She would have picked out a special toy for her little brother.  She would have been able to enjoy her birthday a little more this year, being older.  I miss my sweet little girl and what should have been.  I am so grateful to her.  She was so strong, even when she's not here.  She sends me special messages to let me know things will be okay.  She helped pick out her little brother.  I love my little girl and really wish she was here now. 

What's in a name?

Well, if you ask the stupid men in my life, apparently everything.  Delilah was given both mine and my husband's last name, it was hyphenated like mine is.  I planned on doing the same with all the kids.  So why does my idiot father tell my husband that we don't have to use my last name for "Groot"?

So many things wrong with that conversation. 
1.  It's my damn last name, it just so happens that I got it from you dad...
2.  It's my baby, I'll give him whatever last name I freaking please, I do not need your permission. 
3.  Darling husband, haven't you noticed that all the men in your family have shitty luck, yea, no, my son will not just have your last name and be cursed like every male in your family. 
4.  Yes, his name will be crazy long but who's fault is that?  My three letters does not add that much more letters to your eight!
5.  In this world, there is still prejudice and racism,  professionally, with my last name, our son is more likely to get a second look at his resume or college application. 
6.  I'm sick of this "tradition shit"  just cuz I am a woman I am property and must take my husband's name?  Branded like cattle and all my offspring will receive the same name?   
7.  This crap pisses me off, some times I think we should just pick another last name or take some letters from mine and some letters from his and make our own. 

So stupid, I have better things to worry about.

Thanksgiving 2014

It's amazing how much a year can change you.  Last year I was bitter, but still grateful for the time I had with my sweet little girl.  This year, well, I am expecting my rainbow in February, most likely around Delilah's birthday.  I think she planned it out this way for me.  I am still very grateful for Delilah, I feel she is looking out for us.  I still miss her and do get mad at times but it's different.  My husband was watching football today, he had our homemade "Molly Bear" on one side of him and our new kitten on his shoulder and my big ole pregnant belly next to him.  I thought of how things should have been.  It was a sad moment but it didn't take over me.  I was able to enjoy my day today.  I will always miss my little girl and think about what she would be doing, how she would act. 

Apples and Oranges

There are so many similarities and so many differences in my pregnancies so far.  With Delilah, they was an innocence, I was certain that at the end of nine or so months, I would have my baby girl in my arms.  With "Groot" there is more fear.  I remember a sense of warmth and calm washing over me and feeling happy, I did my best to be kind to everyone.  This time, I felt mean, frustrated and annoyed at the world.  I felt I was wronged by the world and everyone was gonna have to be punished for it.  I find myself getting agitated over small things and yelling at people. 
Then there's movement.  With Delilah, it always felt soft and gentle.  Like she liked to run her hand across my uterus.  "Groot" lines to stomp. He's a party animal and moves around a lot more than his big sister.  I love both their movements.
Delilah had an appetite for sweet and sour.  My poor enamel never had a chance.  "Groot" enjoyed his jalapeno poppers, now he appears to want fruit.  They both wanted fruit.  With Delilah it was oranges, I could not get enough of them.  "Groot" lines crisp crunchy sweet apples. 
Do different but so similar.  Both my babies and I love them both so much.  They would have had a lot of fun together.  But I know his big sister will always look out for him.

A Great Big Sister

Dear Delialh,
I love you my sweet little girl.  I can imagine you in our home running around and playing.  Your hair is tied up in pig tails.  You might not have know exactly what was about to happen, but you would have been a great big sister.  In about four and a half months you would become a big sister and become our big girl, a two year old.  You would have kissed your baby brother on the forehead and peaked at him through the slats on his crib.  Baby "Groot" is missing out by not having you in his life, we are missing out.
This weekend I caught a glimpse of what might have been.  Little N is about the same age you would have been.  She's getting a little brother too, due about the same time yours is.  I saw her playing, and interacting with her mom and dad.  Oh I my heart ached for you my sweet little girl.  It broke me, what should have been, what could have been.  I cried all night on Sunday, I could not stop mourning the life we could have had together.  I miss you my sweet little girl. 
I still feel like I failed you.  I failed you and will fail your little brother too, I do not deserve happiness.  You would not want me to feel this way though.  You would hold my hand and hug me, kiss me cheek and tell me it's not my fault, that you don't blame me.  I love you Delilah.  I love you so much.
Love Mommy 
  

And Some More Critters to Remember

H, A, O

R

Baby Boy

Recent Projects

More memorial critters created to remember lost little ones. 

B

J & R

M & L