I'm sorry...

My husband has been great.  He's been super supportive after we loss or little girl.   I cry all the time still and yesterday he told me that I was being very quiet and not talking to him.  Later he tella me that the cat hangs out with him after he gets off from work but I don't.  He says I don't sit next to him and I'm always sad.  I said he could always sit next to me in the couch.  Today he mentioned going somewhere for our anniversary next month.  I told him I don't feel right having fun without my baby.  He came back at me and said that I was taking it out on him.  That made me cry.  I don't mean to be a bad wife.  I can't help but be sad all the time.  I can't think of anything except how much I miss Delilah.  My darling girl is gone and I can't/won't move forward.  I don't know what to do anymore.

Professional Help

Yesterday evening and night turned out to be a very bad night for me.  I was yelling at the pets for stupid things and getting crazy irritable.   Then after I yelled at them I would cry.  I cried a lot last night.  My husband Alex says its cuz I was exhausted from the March for Babies.  I just missed Delilah so much.  After the crying I just melted into a puddle of numbness.   I just sat on the couch and starred off into nothingness.  Alex was getting concerned so he handed me my crochet box to crochet something.  My mind has been so scattered lately.   Its hard to concentrate. 
I even went to speak with a professional recently.  She said that we were dealing with things correctly.   It was good to set aside time everyday to think of Delilah. Then she told me about  the "counseling models" that they go off of.  Then talked about visualizing and putting your feelings into words a letting them float down the stream...  Um... no thank you, second appointment, no thanks.  I think I'll be doing this by myself and with my husband, family and friends.  No streams for me.

Meet Rutabaga

Meet Rutabaga.  He is Delilah's represenative here.  He is going with me everywhere like Delilah would have been.  Rutabaga has been a source for comfort for me, whenever I'm somewhere and I miss my little girl, I pull Rutabaga out of my purse and hold him.  I think that Delilah is watching me from above but in case she was playing or missed something, I like to think that Rutabaga can "tell her" what we did today.  Rutabaga helps me feel like Delilah can still be with us. It's also nice to have an oitlet to take silly pictures and make up the occasional tall tale. Kid stuff like I woild have done with Delilah when ahe got older.    

Vision

I can see you darling.  You are older and so adorable.  Two pig tails high on your cute little head.  You play in our kitchen.  You hop and bounce.  I can see you laying around on your tummy with your feet up in the air.  You are my child and I can see you.  I hope that it is a glimpse into the future.  I hope that your beautiful soul will come back to us and become another wonderfully kind and darling child.  I love you sweet one, I miss you.  But I can see you.  I see you as part of my future.  I want to hold your hand and kiss your forehead.  I want to be your mommy.

March for Babies

A few weeks ago I saw an ad for the March for Babies, it was exactly what i was looking to do.  Something for Delilah.  I recruited and bugged people.  I designed a t-shirt.  Tiday we did March of Dimes: March for Babies.  Me my sister and best friend.  Team Delilah Sage.  We walked 3 miles with my sweet little girl watching from above and raised a bunch of money.  I love you sweet pea.  Your mommy and aunties love you so much.  I think we will try to do this every year from now on.  I was happy we did the walk but part of me was dissapointed, like I was expecting to see her at the finish line and I would have my baby again.  Sadly that was not possible.  My husband told me that I might not have seen her but she was definitely there.
After her aunties left today I cried.  I cried because miss my baby because I wish I could have done more for her.  I cried because I am so tired from not being able to sleep the night before.  I cried because my beautiful little girl should be physically with me.

A poem

To those who look away when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper.
Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject when I speak my daughter's name, change your way of thinking.
It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes and say that we barely had her at all, how could we miss her so much.
In our hearts we have seen her live a thousand times.
We have seen her first steps, first day of school, her wedding, and her children.
We have had her forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, we did.
I am thankful for her everyday, but even if I have twenty more babies, I will forever have one in the grave, and that is too many.

To those who say to get on with my life, I have.
It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother.
One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.
She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.
She smiles, but her heart sobs.
She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she IS NOT, all at once.
She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future
generation.

We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US, and you just might see THEM.

Author Unknown

Back to Work

I thought I was going to be going back to work last Thursday but last Wednesday the HR person told me I get another week off for bereavement.  I'm was so grateful for that extra week.  Today was my first day back, I cried half the time at work.  Getting dressed in the morning was hard, I didn't want to get ready and be "normal."  The drive to BART was difficult, I kept thinking of those 40 weeks that we waited for the train together, caught the train and the last few weeks when she would get me a seat.  When I was walking from BART to work, I was reminded that my baby waddle was gone, my little baby was gone.  I walked through the metal detector, luckily it wasn't one of the security guards that was really excited about Delilah.  When I got to my desk I put Delilah's picture on my desk, she looks so beautiful in her picture, she was such a beautiful baby.  Then the people started coming by, hugs here and there, people checking in, tears.  On my way back to my desk after break someone who worked in another office that didn't know Delilah had passed away asked me about her, I started crying and I couldn't stop.  Later in the restroom, another coworker who knew about Delilah's passing came up to me and said something about how it wasn't so bad because I was still young and can have other children.  I told her Delilah is still my child and she was still gone.  I was offended that the just wrote her off, like she didn't matter, like for 40 weeks and 4 days she wasn't with me and for almost a day she was out and alive in this world.  When I got off work I started to cry and haven't stopped since.
The world feels colder now, darker.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything that's not for Delilah.  I just want to curl up and hide from this sad place that I'm left behind in.  I miss you Delilah, I'm so lost without you, please come back as our next baby.  I don't know what I would do if I can never be your mommy again...