Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the time that we had together.  That I was allowed to be your mother. 

Sometimes...

The holidays suck!  Last year I was happily waiting for the birth of my precious Delilah in February.  This year I am babyless left with bitterness and anger.  Such a beautiful life, taken away just like that.  I miss my daughter so much. 

She could have tried mashed potatoes and other soft things, the crinkling of her little nose when she experianced the tartness of cranberry sauce.  Getting her hands sticky from the yams and melted marshmallows.  I honestly don't even know if a nine month old would be able to eat those things.  I'm having a harder time now, imagining what she would have looked like as she grew older.  My sweet little girl. 

The Rain

It's raining outside, like it was raining that week after we lost Delilah.
This past week has been so emotional, I'm so worried about our kitty Sampson.  We adopted him in 2008 a couple of months after our senior cat Jack passed away.  Sampson is now 15, and having kidney problems.  He hasn't been doing so well.  Poor guy, he tries.  He tries to eat, and get up.  He's looking better after IV fluids.  We have to be positive right?  The vet thinks it might me something else besides hsi kidneys, she said that he can still stick around for a long time.  I hope you do Sammy, I hope you live until you are super old and continue to be happy.  I am not ready to lose you too. 
On Wednesday, I had my Implanon taken out, and was cleared to try to conceive.  Sampson is supposed to meet the next little one.  To go up to her/him and try to cuddle.  I love you Sampson, please stay.
It feels like life is taking a dump on my life, it's shitty and horrible, you can't escape the stench of it. 

9 months

It's odd...
Tomorrow, Delilah will have been gone for longer than she existed.  I only had nine months with her in my womb and parts of 15 hours when she was in this world.  Delilah was only around for such a short amount of time but she is one of the most important people in my life.  Her life, so profoundly affected me, she changed who I am and made everything different.  I will always have her in my heart and a part of me will always be missing, that part is with Delilah, holding her and trying to show her how much I love her. 
I keep going back to that day, I felt her move that morning then it all went downhill.  My precious little girl.  When she was transferred to Oakland, why didn't I send her daddy to go be with her.  When I eventually got to Oakland, why didn't I insist on going to see her right away.  When she passed away did she stay by her body or did her spirit leave, did she see us break, did she see us cry?  If she did stay by her body, was sh sad that we left?  Did she watch her body get cremated?  Does Delilah hear us when we tell her about our days and say goodnight before we go to bed?   
But those are all the sad things, what about the positive?  She would have been nine months old today, probably crawling around getting into everything, harassing the pets.  It would have been great fun.
Nine months, I knew this would be a tough one, it's where we pass her "lifetime."  It really bothers me, that she would be gone longer that her life time.  Some people get to live so long, some not so good people too, why didn't my sweet little girl, who was gonna fill the world with such a pure energy of innocent joy and love?
This is an odd day.  9 months is also the time my OB told me to wait before we TTC again.  And everyone knows about it and are keeping track...  I go get my Implanon removed from my arm today and then, yes, well, there will be more tears there for every BFN.  I'm also scared about how I might feel when it actually happens.  Will people not "allow" me to be sad for Delilah anymore, am I expected to smiled because we made another baby?  Will I secretly harbor resentment toward the child we get a boy and the family loves him more, will I resent him because I feel they would not have loved our girl that much?
Our 15 year old cat is also not doing so well lately.  I was hoping that he would be around for baby two, he used to like to sit by my belly and ket kicked by Delilah.  Right now Sammy is at the vet getting fluids, his kidneys are not doing well.  This is not a good year for us.  I don't want to lose Sammy too.  Too much loss so close together just damages you.
On the Saturday the 9th, the hospital held a remembrance ceremony for everyone that lost a child, it was lovely.  So may people, so many parents.  Some of the nurses and doctors were there, they were kind.  There was a speech, a rose ceremony, they showed a slide show of everyone and read the names of all the children.  I cried so much, but I also felt less alone, my husband said he felt lighter.

Happy nine months Delilah, momma loves you.  I will love you forever.

Dear Bonnie...

I think back to a few months ago, and what a different place I was in.  Things are different now, better but sadness still looms.    
My name is Bonnie and my daughter's name is Delilah Sage; I am a mother yet my arms are empty. After six years of dating, my husband and I finally made it official and tied the knot. In 2011, we bought our house and by the end of the year, we decided that 2012 was the year we would like to start a family.                                                                                                                                                  Best decision you guys ever made.  Even knowing the outcome, those nine plus months ares till the best times of your life, filled with such joy and hope, such pure happiness.

My husband and I were so happy when we got pregnant. I was even more thrilled when we found out we were having a baby girl; he got nervous, as most daddies do. As the months went on, as Delilah grew bigger and stronger, I fell more and more in love with her. Each kick and jab was a delight - I was the happiest I had ever been. It was a beautiful pregnancy, no complications. Only minor pregnancy aches and pains. As her due date passed, I made a deal with Delilah. If she was born that week, I would get her the sea horse stuffy that we always saw at the store.                                 And that stuffed seahorse still sits in her room.  I go in there and hold it, listen to it play music and light up the room with the warm glow from its belly.

Right on cue in the middle of the week, bright and early in the morning; I went into labor. When we got to the hospital, they said her heart rate was sporadic but decided to monitor her for a bit first. When her heart rate stabilized, I got up and my water broke and they lost her heart beat. I was rushed to receive an emergency C-section and put under with general anesthesia. When I woke, my baby was no longer in me. I was all by myself.

I asked the nurse about my baby. He told me that the doctor would update me. My world started crumbling - something wasn’t right. I started crying and my husband showed up; he was with Delilah, like we had planned for during the "what ifs” talk. The look on his face was somber; he said that she wasn't breathing when she was born. They worked on her for ten minutes and her heart started beating. She was intubated but not doing well. She was severely anemic from feto-maternal hemorrhage; simply put - when her body circulated her blood into the placenta, it did not return it, instead the placenta pumped her blood into me. They gave her blood transfusions but her body was not accepting the blood. Her organs were not doing much either. He told me that she might have brain damage because her brain did not get any oxygen during those ten minutes. He told me that he was not in the room because they never went to get him and when they got him, Delilah was already in the NICU being worked on.                                                                                                                            I have since gotten more information, I questioned if my getting pain killers in my IV had anything to do with Delilah getting bad so quickly.  I found out that it was more of my water breaking that caused her to go into distress more.  The doctors told me that because she was already suffering from such blood loss that labor was not very kind to her and she could not handle it.  I've also since learned that after apparently "15 minutes" is the no going back point, your brain is so damaged after that there is no way she would have had the life she was supposed to have, or even much of any life at all if she had lived.

I cried. This beautiful little girl that had been growing inside me, who was kicking away happily just the other day had gotten so injured, so hurt. She was my baby who I was supposed to protect. That night, she was transferred to another hospital and I eventually got transferred as well. When the ambulance came to take her, they brought her by my room; it was the only time that I saw her at the first hospital.

She looked so tiny all strapped into her incubator, so helpless. I wanted to take her out and hold her, to tell her it would be okay. All I managed to do was to hold her hand and admire this beautiful child and wish that I could trade places with her. I felt like it was my fault that this happened to her. Shouldn’t I have known what was happening? Why did the placenta not return her blood? What went wrong? Did I do something? Did it hurt? Was she in pain?

When I arrived at the other hospital, I wanted to go see her but I didn't think to ask to go. I was exhausted and not thinking straight. I decided to wait for my husband to get there first. After visiting with Delilah in the middle of the night, we eventually succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep in my room.                                                                                                                                                    This is something that I regret, still to this day.  I wish that I has gone straight to her when I arrived at the hospital.  I realized that I was scared, I didn't want to be alone if she had passed away before I got there, I was afraid to see her.  I was afraid if there was a big decision to be made, I would have to make it by myself.  I am ashamed that that I was being so weak.  Medical-wise, the doctors said that she was not in pain and there was no way to see that it was happening, they didn't even know that something was wrong when we showed up in Labor and Delivery.
The doctor woke us a few hours later and I knew it was not good. He said her organs were starting to fail and we should go be with her now. They would set up a room for us. How could this be happening? Our child, Delilah; who we love so much, how could she be leaving us?

I got to hold her for the first and last time. She felt so right in my arms. She was so beautiful: her long eyelashes, heart-shaped face, perfect little hands and feet, my nose and long toes. She was our baby and we did not want to have to say goodbye. I was holding her and to my surprise, she opened her eyes and looked right at me as if to say "Hi, Mom, I love you." Her eyes were only open for a little bit; she was tired and on painkillers. But in that moment we connected and everything was ok. Then she stopped breathing and our world collapsed, we were buried alive in the rubble of her passing.                                                                                                                                                                                 Her doctor was surprised that she opened her eyes.  He mentioned that it might have been her brain firing off all of the energy that was left.  But he said that we never really know how the brain works.  I still want to think that it was Delilah, using the last of herself to create this special moment for us.   I still feel that my life has lost purpose.  Everyday that I come home from work, I sit around and there is nothing to do, nothing, just quietness and a sense of emptiness.  I hate being at home.    

I miss my Delilah so much. Every day spent without her is harsh and painful. I feel like pieces of me are falling away. I cry every day; I just wanted to be her mommy and her to be my baby. The time directly after her passing was dark, filled with sadness, bitterness, regret, and hatred. It's so easy to get caught up in all the things we missed out on; that we only have bits and pieces of fifteen hours. I often times forget that we also had nine beautiful months together; I am grateful for that. I got to know the most loving and beautiful little baby girl ever. Yes, I'm selfish. I wish I had more time but who wouldn't? But on those difficult days, and I've been having a lot of those lately, I have to take comfort in the time we did have. I love my Delilah and she loved me.                                                                                                                  I was so scared of forgetting, everyday I would cry so hard because I was afraid that I would forget how it felt to hold her.  I was so scared that I would forget how she made me feel.  I was afraid that I would forget her because she was only around for such a short period of time.  I have not forgotten, I still miss her, and I still love her, I love her so much.  I don't cry everyday day anymore, I don't even cry once a week now.  I feel so bad about that , I know it's just part of life and it does not mean that I love Delilah any less.  I will love that sweet baby girl until the day I die, and it's okay to miss her, and it is okay to have bad days and good ones.  

My Tangible Peace

 My husband was worried when I told him that I wanted to have a doll made from My Tangible Peace.  He thought that I would lose grip with reality and start treating the statue like it was alive and real.  I told him it's a statue, it would just be like a picture, a 3-D memorial to the beautiful baby girl that our love created.  My Delilah doll came recently, she was adorable.  I cried when I saw her, Jenn the artist did a very good job.  I made her a hat and dress.