9 months

It's odd...
Tomorrow, Delilah will have been gone for longer than she existed.  I only had nine months with her in my womb and parts of 15 hours when she was in this world.  Delilah was only around for such a short amount of time but she is one of the most important people in my life.  Her life, so profoundly affected me, she changed who I am and made everything different.  I will always have her in my heart and a part of me will always be missing, that part is with Delilah, holding her and trying to show her how much I love her. 
I keep going back to that day, I felt her move that morning then it all went downhill.  My precious little girl.  When she was transferred to Oakland, why didn't I send her daddy to go be with her.  When I eventually got to Oakland, why didn't I insist on going to see her right away.  When she passed away did she stay by her body or did her spirit leave, did she see us break, did she see us cry?  If she did stay by her body, was sh sad that we left?  Did she watch her body get cremated?  Does Delilah hear us when we tell her about our days and say goodnight before we go to bed?   
But those are all the sad things, what about the positive?  She would have been nine months old today, probably crawling around getting into everything, harassing the pets.  It would have been great fun.
Nine months, I knew this would be a tough one, it's where we pass her "lifetime."  It really bothers me, that she would be gone longer that her life time.  Some people get to live so long, some not so good people too, why didn't my sweet little girl, who was gonna fill the world with such a pure energy of innocent joy and love?
This is an odd day.  9 months is also the time my OB told me to wait before we TTC again.  And everyone knows about it and are keeping track...  I go get my Implanon removed from my arm today and then, yes, well, there will be more tears there for every BFN.  I'm also scared about how I might feel when it actually happens.  Will people not "allow" me to be sad for Delilah anymore, am I expected to smiled because we made another baby?  Will I secretly harbor resentment toward the child we get a boy and the family loves him more, will I resent him because I feel they would not have loved our girl that much?
Our 15 year old cat is also not doing so well lately.  I was hoping that he would be around for baby two, he used to like to sit by my belly and ket kicked by Delilah.  Right now Sammy is at the vet getting fluids, his kidneys are not doing well.  This is not a good year for us.  I don't want to lose Sammy too.  Too much loss so close together just damages you.
On the Saturday the 9th, the hospital held a remembrance ceremony for everyone that lost a child, it was lovely.  So may people, so many parents.  Some of the nurses and doctors were there, they were kind.  There was a speech, a rose ceremony, they showed a slide show of everyone and read the names of all the children.  I cried so much, but I also felt less alone, my husband said he felt lighter.

Happy nine months Delilah, momma loves you.  I will love you forever.