Once...

Once upon a time we were blissfully ignorant.  I had dreams of getting married, buying a house and maybe kids.  Marriage, check, house, check.  Kids, that check appears to have been ripped off my page.  Once we were ready for kids, we got pregnant our fourth cycle trying.  We were excited, we were hoping for a boy follwed by a little girl.  We wanted big bro to watch out for little sis.  Then we found out we were having agirl, the dreams quickly turned into big sis looking out for little bro, who occassionally got dressed up like a girl by his playful big sis.  And they would love each other so much.  And if it was gonna be two girls, that would be great too.  Two sweet girls growing up together happily playing pretend and running and playing on the swing set in the yard.  Then we lost Delilah.  All our dreams, all ours hopes and visions of our family shattered into a million pieces.  I tried to slowy piece it back together as we waited the nine months before we were allowed to ttc.  It felt right that we should wait nine months, Delilah's life time.  Now, over 14 months later, it feels like forever, the pain of losing Delilah is a little less sharp.  We are trying to have a second child, and it seems like it's not happening.  Time is passing, I was pregnant at 29, turned 30 with Delilah on board.  Now, if we get pregnant this year I will be at least 32 when I deliver again.  It's silly to think about plans but I always though by now we would be pregnant with our second child and Delilah would be happily growing into her toddler, playing with the pets and still loving to be held and kissed.  I guess it was dumb to have expectations of life, the have plans, when you plan, you get the rugged pulled out from under you and you are left on the flrro, bruised and battered by the cruelty of life.  But bruises heal, and we have to get up.  It's silly to cry over whay should have been, what could have nearly been, but some days, you just can't help yourself.