Defeated

Maybe I don't have the right to feel defeated yet, this is only the third cycle trying to conceive, but it feels like forever.  Forever, like over a year since I had to say goodbye to Delilah.  It's difficult ending every cyclce with out being pregnant.  This cycle has been especially stress worthy.  In additional to all my sad days or maybe because of it, my temperatures have been doing some weird stuff.  Last cycle was the most normal looking one.  This one, so far, I think my body is trying ovulate but failing.  Failing, I feel like I am always failing.  I was supposed to carry Delilah and deliver her safely into this world, but I failed last minute.  I'm supposed to be able to bring children into this world, maybe the years of saying I didn't want kids I'd coming around to kick my ass. I'm falling at the one thing I want to do in the world, to bring life into this world and be a mommy. 

Happy Birthday Delilah

One year ago today the most beautifully awesome little girl came into this world.  My daughter Delilah. 
Happy birthday Delilah, you would be one today.  I miss you so much.  I hope that Sampson is treating you well and giving you a wonderful birthday. 
Here, I got you some balloons, and baked you a cake.  You got a card from us and Aunty Sylvia.  Aunty Karen got you flowers.  And so did daddy's family.  You are in the hearts and thoughts of many.  We miss you and love you so very much. 

We wrote a message to her on her birthday balloon.  We let that balloon go.  Took all the extra strings and plastic off first.  It took six minutes for the balloon to fly so far that we could no longer see it.  The tiny pink balloon flew up through the clouds, it was like they parted for the balloon to get through, to get to Delilah.  Happy birthday Delilah.

My Eyes are Green, no, They are Shit Brown

I feel like a huge jack ass sometimes.  Rainbow babies are amazing!  And when people get their big fat positives, it's great.  I am super happy for they.  Really, I am.  But sometimes, I get a little jealous, why coucn't I have gotten mine that quickly?  Why can't everyone.  It's stupid really, but it's something that make me feel bad for even thinking. 
Another Blog that I've been reading, the woman on there is about to have her Rainbow, on the day that Delilah died.  I am very happy for the woman, her writting has helped me through so much, but seeing her so happy sometimes makes me so sad.  I wish I were not this way, I wish that I could be a good person and look past all the small things.
My therapist told me to live in the now more, stop over thinking things and dwelling on the past, it's difficult. 

Last year...

This time last year, I was on Maternity leave.  I remember how cold it was, there was frost on the windows and rooftops, the grass had frozen dew drops.  I remember thinking that the slope on the freeway onramp, looked pretty, landscaped with little pine trees and mulch, it looked so festive covered in frost.  Last year, I walked to the coffee shop by my house, we only had one working car, I was walking to try and hurry Delilah out, so I could meet her, so my life could be perfect.  I remember holding that warm cup of coacoa, and talking to her as I strolled back home, I asked her if she was cozy in there, is she was excited to come meet us.  February 9 was her due date, if she was actually born that day, she might have been okay.  This time last year, we were still full of hope and excitement, Sampson was till here, eagerly awaiting the arrival of his human little sister.  He would sit on my lap, nuzzle next to her lovely belly bump.  Now, he is gone too.  I miss them both so much. I want my daughter back so desparetely.  I've been overcome with sadness and anger, I just miss Delilah so much.

T-T-CRAZY

Cycles...  they are endlessly frustrating when not resulting in the desired outcome.
Timing... excruciating especially when you think your timing is spot on, then nothing. 

This will be cycle 3, if we are successful this round, a November baby.  If not, try again next month for a December baby, if not, then no more 2014 Rainbow Baby.  2015, how did it ever get to that! 
We started trying on 2012, I was 29, now I'm 31, and my baby is not with me.  How did so much time pass?  Why do some people get pregnant so easily and not so easily for us.  It's not fair.  But when is life ever fair.