Always Missing

Today we went out to dinner.  It was nice, Ollie was behaving well and flirting with the waitress.  Afterwards, we went to get frozen yogurt.  We walked with Ollie, each of us holding one of his hands.  And I thought to myself, what a lovely evening.  It would have been perfect if Delilah were here too. 

Happy Third Birthday

My sweet girl. Today you would have turned three.  I think it would have been a big step.  Not so much a toddler butt a little girl. We would busted out all the Calico Critters that I had gotten for you.  I would have lived watching you play house with your little families.  Your little brother would have probably tried to eat some of your toys but I think you have figured out how to let him know gently, no.  I think about you often.  About all the fun things that we missed out on.  Your little play kitchen in the kitchen as I make lunch you would "help." 
We took your brother to the park the other day.  He likes going up to little girls.  It's like he knows that you were supposed to be here, his precious sister. 
I love you Delilah.  I hope you know that.  No matter what, you have a huge piece of my heart with you. 
We got you a balloon, two. One we kept, the other we wrote you some messages and sent them to you.  Aunty Karen sent you flowers again.  We got you a cup cake,  Ollie enjoyed some on your behalf.  This year I found a cow at the Gentle Barn named Delilah; I send her what I would have spent on your birthday present.  I think you would laugh that a cow has the sane name as you. 
Happy Birthday my darling daughter.  Love you so much Delilah. 

The numbers...

In 9 days you should have been turning 3.
If you had been born 4 days earlier you might have been here today.
In 10 days it will be 3 years since I last held you. 
1086 days without you.
Thousands of diapers I never got to change.
Gallons of milk I never got to feed you.
Countless tears that I have shed.
I missed you Delilah. 

They are Just Slippers

Grief is irrational and random; it sneaks up on you and ingrains itself on parts of your life that you sometimes don't even notice.
Back in 2012, when I was living in my blissful happy bubble of sweet ignorance, I bought some slippers to wear at the hospital after I delivered Delilah.  They looked so warm and cozy and I was so excited to wear my brand new slippers after I delivered her.  I packed them in my overnight bag and they waited for me until Delilah was ready to be born.
I never go to wear those slippers.  That day when Delilah was born then we watched as she slipped away the following morning.  When we got home, my overnight bag sat for a while, and eventually I decided to put the stuff away.  When I got to the slippers, I could not find it in my heart to unpack them.  Despite my current slippers at the time being in shambles, I felt that I did not deserve to wear those new slippers, the ones that were imbued with my dreams. 
So they sat in that overnight bag for about two years.  They waited patiently until my Rainbow Ollie was born.  And stupidly, those slippers held some kind of power subconsciously in my head.  Like a reward for finally getting there.  And you know what, they were not comfortable at all, the soles were not so good for the hospital floor and they were stiff. 
I had waited so long to wear those dang slippers and they were disappointing.  But guess what?  They were just slippers.  I had my rainbow, and he was awesome.  He brought so much joy and hope, so much light back into my life.  I did continue to wear those slippers, and in almost nine months, I wore them out.  The lining is torn and padding smashed.  I bought a new pair but why am I having such a hard time throwing these out.
They did not magically make everything better.  They can't teleport me back in time and save Delilah.  But that is it, in a way, they remind me of Delilah.  How things don't go as planned but most importantly, they brought me to when I was just happily pregnant with my little girl. 
They are just slippers right?  I have the memories and emotions in my heart.  So why can't I let them go.  Grief, so freaking irrational.

Still

I still think of you every day my sweet girl.  My Delilah.  Sometimes, I feel guilty about being so happy with your little brother.  I think that you would not want me to be sad and would want me to enjoy this wonderful little boy that you sent to me.  And I do, I love him and appreciate your hand in us having Oliver.  There are quiet moments though, when my mind dull goes to dark places and I think of the day that we lost you.  I still blame myself for not knowing that something was wrong.  I still blame the hospital for not knowing something was wrong in L&D.  I miss you, miss what I imagine that you would have been like.  I imagine you, I close my eyes and pretend that you are here, you kiss you little brother, you love him so much.  You are his little protector.  Then I realize that what I imagine is probably true.  Sometimes, Ollie laughs in his sleepthen he smiles, he smiles like her us so happy.  I think it's because you are visiting him in his dreams.  You guys play and he get to experience what he will not get to here on earth.  He gets to play with his big sister, he gets hugs and kisses from her.  I'm envious sometimes.  I've never really had those kinds of dreams, sometimes I feel that you blame me for what happened do you don't see me.  I love you Delilah.  I always will.  Thank you for being Oliver's living big sister.

Spilled Milk

It's pointless to cry over spilt milk and I've been doing that a lot lately also but lately I've been thinking about everything that should have been and it breaks my heart to imagine such a future; such a beautiful future and that it won't exist.  Maybe an alternate version one day but it just won't be the same.  Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for what I have, I love my son. I love him more and more each and everyday.  He makes me happy, he makes me smile, even on those nights that he wakes me up a bunch of times. however, I can't help but think that he should have been my last baby and I should have a little girl and a little boy.  I don't have issues being pregnant, in fact pregnancy has always agreed with me.  The fact is I've been pregnant twice, one living child and one sweet angel.  I do want siblings for little Oliver. But being pregnant again feels like it's going to be so much more difficult and it doesn't feel fair, doesn't feel fair that I had to lose my little girl.

Still Working

These past few weeks have been full of emotion, sleep deprivation, and all sorts of ups and downs.  Everything is so different with the little guy here. 
Something that remains the same is that I am still making little critters in memory of those sweet babies that were taken from us. 
This one is for R.

Yes I Can!

I was hoping that having Ollie would not push back the creation of little critters for all those that have lost their babies. 
It's as if he understood how important they are to me.  Ollie let me finish one little critter so far.
Here's a little bear to remember L.  She is holding three flowers, one for each of D's babies.  I hope you like it.

Happily Second Birthday Delilah

Today is Delilah's second birthday.  Today is an emotional day.  Two year ago today I went into labor thinking that I would soon have my sweet little girl but things spiraled and instead of joyously holding Delilah we were scared and worried and her dying.  Three days ago, I had her little brother and today is the first day we've had with him at home, such a different outcome.  I always pictured Delilah with a little brother. She was gonna be a great one, very loving and willing to share, even her girly dresses for tea parties.  Today having Ollie here and no Delilah was painful.  I miss my sweet little girl and my vision of who she would have been.  I also saw Ollie smile in his sleep, who knows, maybe they were playing together in his dream. 
My sweet Delilah, I love you so much.  You made me so proud and I know you would have continued to do so.  Happy birthday sweetheart, I love you, and always will. 

Tomorrow

Strange how it's always been there.  For the longest time tomorrow was just something that I knew was going to be here.  Nothing to look forward to, nothing to move towards.  It wad just going to happen.  I would wander in the darkness forever.  Then, the sun.  Tomorrow, there's going to be a rainbow. 

I'm scared.  Scared but I want to putt on a brave face.  I know there will be tears.  Tears of joy and some of sorrow for what should have been. 

Delilah would want us to be happy, and we are.  I know she sent this little guy to us, she picked him to be in our lives.  But I miss her, I miss who she would be right now, all that she would have experienced with us. 

I am excited but a little sad.  I think it's just something that will be part of life.  Some one will always be missing.  But that doesn't mean I won't get to be happy.  Ollie well fill our lives with so much joy and I will treasure every moment of it.

I look forward to tomorrow, or rather the day to begin now, as it's past midnight.  I'll try my best to be positive and allow myself to be be in bliss when my rainbow comes into this world a happy healthy baby. 

My Baby Girl

I've been rather emotional lately.  Feeling cheated and missing my little girl.  Today my husband and I were walking around at some stores, and I thought, I should be holding Delilah's hand right now.  And I let myself pretend for a little bit, my hand was empty, the little hand that should have been there was absent.  I think partly it's because Delilah's birthday is coming up, partly because her little brother will be here soon.  It's made me miss her so very much.  It's not fair, really.  We were all robbed.  She should be here with us right now. 

It's been a while...

I got back into making memorial critters after a little hiatus.  I forgot how good it felt to do.
A butterfly for K.  And a monkey for B.

This is not my first baby.

"Is this your first baby?" 
"No, this is my second." 
And I walk away.  That's they way it usually goes.  I will never not the existence of my precious little girl.  Lately, it's been hurting.  My heart is breaking again.  I miss her so much.  My little girl would have been two this year.  She would have been such a great big sis.  She would have picked out a special toy for her little brother.  She would have been able to enjoy her birthday a little more this year, being older.  I miss my sweet little girl and what should have been.  I am so grateful to her.  She was so strong, even when she's not here.  She sends me special messages to let me know things will be okay.  She helped pick out her little brother.  I love my little girl and really wish she was here now. 

What's in a name?

Well, if you ask the stupid men in my life, apparently everything.  Delilah was given both mine and my husband's last name, it was hyphenated like mine is.  I planned on doing the same with all the kids.  So why does my idiot father tell my husband that we don't have to use my last name for "Groot"?

So many things wrong with that conversation. 
1.  It's my damn last name, it just so happens that I got it from you dad...
2.  It's my baby, I'll give him whatever last name I freaking please, I do not need your permission. 
3.  Darling husband, haven't you noticed that all the men in your family have shitty luck, yea, no, my son will not just have your last name and be cursed like every male in your family. 
4.  Yes, his name will be crazy long but who's fault is that?  My three letters does not add that much more letters to your eight!
5.  In this world, there is still prejudice and racism,  professionally, with my last name, our son is more likely to get a second look at his resume or college application. 
6.  I'm sick of this "tradition shit"  just cuz I am a woman I am property and must take my husband's name?  Branded like cattle and all my offspring will receive the same name?   
7.  This crap pisses me off, some times I think we should just pick another last name or take some letters from mine and some letters from his and make our own. 

So stupid, I have better things to worry about.

Thanksgiving 2014

It's amazing how much a year can change you.  Last year I was bitter, but still grateful for the time I had with my sweet little girl.  This year, well, I am expecting my rainbow in February, most likely around Delilah's birthday.  I think she planned it out this way for me.  I am still very grateful for Delilah, I feel she is looking out for us.  I still miss her and do get mad at times but it's different.  My husband was watching football today, he had our homemade "Molly Bear" on one side of him and our new kitten on his shoulder and my big ole pregnant belly next to him.  I thought of how things should have been.  It was a sad moment but it didn't take over me.  I was able to enjoy my day today.  I will always miss my little girl and think about what she would be doing, how she would act. 

Apples and Oranges

There are so many similarities and so many differences in my pregnancies so far.  With Delilah, they was an innocence, I was certain that at the end of nine or so months, I would have my baby girl in my arms.  With "Groot" there is more fear.  I remember a sense of warmth and calm washing over me and feeling happy, I did my best to be kind to everyone.  This time, I felt mean, frustrated and annoyed at the world.  I felt I was wronged by the world and everyone was gonna have to be punished for it.  I find myself getting agitated over small things and yelling at people. 
Then there's movement.  With Delilah, it always felt soft and gentle.  Like she liked to run her hand across my uterus.  "Groot" lines to stomp. He's a party animal and moves around a lot more than his big sister.  I love both their movements.
Delilah had an appetite for sweet and sour.  My poor enamel never had a chance.  "Groot" enjoyed his jalapeno poppers, now he appears to want fruit.  They both wanted fruit.  With Delilah it was oranges, I could not get enough of them.  "Groot" lines crisp crunchy sweet apples. 
Do different but so similar.  Both my babies and I love them both so much.  They would have had a lot of fun together.  But I know his big sister will always look out for him.

A Great Big Sister

Dear Delialh,
I love you my sweet little girl.  I can imagine you in our home running around and playing.  Your hair is tied up in pig tails.  You might not have know exactly what was about to happen, but you would have been a great big sister.  In about four and a half months you would become a big sister and become our big girl, a two year old.  You would have kissed your baby brother on the forehead and peaked at him through the slats on his crib.  Baby "Groot" is missing out by not having you in his life, we are missing out.
This weekend I caught a glimpse of what might have been.  Little N is about the same age you would have been.  She's getting a little brother too, due about the same time yours is.  I saw her playing, and interacting with her mom and dad.  Oh I my heart ached for you my sweet little girl.  It broke me, what should have been, what could have been.  I cried all night on Sunday, I could not stop mourning the life we could have had together.  I miss you my sweet little girl. 
I still feel like I failed you.  I failed you and will fail your little brother too, I do not deserve happiness.  You would not want me to feel this way though.  You would hold my hand and hug me, kiss me cheek and tell me it's not my fault, that you don't blame me.  I love you Delilah.  I love you so much.
Love Mommy 
  

And Some More Critters to Remember

H, A, O

R

Baby Boy

Recent Projects

More memorial critters created to remember lost little ones. 

B

J & R

M & L

Happy Birthday Z!!!