How did it already become 11 months? How did I miss 10 months? So much crap has happened. My baby is supposed to turn 1 next month, but no, instead her ashes are sitting the ashes of my beloved kitty. I lost both of them. Preparation means shit, and apparently if I prepare for anything it means it'll get ripped away.
There's flu going around, everyone is saying get the flue shot, maybe if I do, then I'll get the flu and die from it. Would it be so bad?
Monday, January 13, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Death...
A couple of months ago I posted about how I felt like I lost touch with my pets. I've reconnected with my special boy, my kitty Sampson, but his health has been worrying me Most importantly I felt disconnected from my special boy Sampson. I got over it though, it's hard to try to ignore someone so eager to please and love you. Lately he hasn't been feeling well. He's been battling feline chronic renal failure for a few years now. In November he took a turn for the worse and we started him on IV fluids daily to help flush out his kidneys.
To fully understand and feel my connection with Sampson you will need some background. My history with Sampson starts in 2008. We had just lost our older cast Jack to some unknown affliction. I was sad and depressed. Sampson was at the shelter, it was a few months out from Jack's passing, it was as if Jack led me to Sampson. When we adopted him, Sammy had an upper respitory infection. I took him to the vey, they gave hime antibiotics, I gave hime love and affection, he got better. I was actually able to help hime, something I wasn't able to do for Jack. Sampson had something special about him. For a nine and a half year old tripod, he had spunk! He healed my soul, made life less sad. Sampson made me fall head over heals for him. He loved me so much, cuddled with me when I went to sleep, sat on my lap when I was on the couch. So sweet, so kind, it was like he's intuitive. When I was sad, he would reach out a paw and place it on me. "There, there Mamma, it'll be okay." He would run around and play and be so happy, he made me smile and laugh.
When we lost Delilah, he did the same thing, he help me put the pieces of my sould back together, despite me being a jerk about it. I would try to be aloof and avoid his love but Sampson was persistant, he's so sweet, kept pushing and making me hold him and cuddle. He made the pain more bearable. He was the one who sat with me when my husband was at work or had other obligations, Sampson kept me company, and he did it without complaint. Even before our loss, he was the one who would always carefully prop himself next to me and the baby bump that was Delilah.
On Friday the third, not even a year after we lost Delilah, we had to say goodbye to Sampson. He held on for so ling but his kidney had stopped functioning. He was in pain and not happy, but he still tried for us, because he loved us that much. It would not have been fair to make him suffer, we made the decision to let him go be with Delilah, to ease his pain like he did ours. My heart is broken again. I miss Sampson so much. There will never be another kitty like him.
I always imagined Delilah having tea parties with him, dressing him up and offering him sandwiches. He would have gone along with it too, he was that kind; the sandwiches would have been a bonus for him. I hope they are together now, having awesome tea parties and keeping each other company. I love you two.
To fully understand and feel my connection with Sampson you will need some background. My history with Sampson starts in 2008. We had just lost our older cast Jack to some unknown affliction. I was sad and depressed. Sampson was at the shelter, it was a few months out from Jack's passing, it was as if Jack led me to Sampson. When we adopted him, Sammy had an upper respitory infection. I took him to the vey, they gave hime antibiotics, I gave hime love and affection, he got better. I was actually able to help hime, something I wasn't able to do for Jack. Sampson had something special about him. For a nine and a half year old tripod, he had spunk! He healed my soul, made life less sad. Sampson made me fall head over heals for him. He loved me so much, cuddled with me when I went to sleep, sat on my lap when I was on the couch. So sweet, so kind, it was like he's intuitive. When I was sad, he would reach out a paw and place it on me. "There, there Mamma, it'll be okay." He would run around and play and be so happy, he made me smile and laugh.
When we lost Delilah, he did the same thing, he help me put the pieces of my sould back together, despite me being a jerk about it. I would try to be aloof and avoid his love but Sampson was persistant, he's so sweet, kept pushing and making me hold him and cuddle. He made the pain more bearable. He was the one who sat with me when my husband was at work or had other obligations, Sampson kept me company, and he did it without complaint. Even before our loss, he was the one who would always carefully prop himself next to me and the baby bump that was Delilah.
On Friday the third, not even a year after we lost Delilah, we had to say goodbye to Sampson. He held on for so ling but his kidney had stopped functioning. He was in pain and not happy, but he still tried for us, because he loved us that much. It would not have been fair to make him suffer, we made the decision to let him go be with Delilah, to ease his pain like he did ours. My heart is broken again. I miss Sampson so much. There will never be another kitty like him.
I always imagined Delilah having tea parties with him, dressing him up and offering him sandwiches. He would have gone along with it too, he was that kind; the sandwiches would have been a bonus for him. I hope they are together now, having awesome tea parties and keeping each other company. I love you two.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Dear 2013
Hello 2013,
For fourty three days, it was the happiest days of my life. There was so much joy and hope. I was looking forward to meeting my sweet little Delilah so much. My life would have been perfect and I could not have wished for anything more. But then 2013 crumbled to pain and hurt, despair and anger.
We had to say goodbye to our Delilah less than a day after we met her.
Those were the happiest days.
Out kitty Sampson has been living with Chronic Renal Failure for the last few years, this year was a turning point, he started to need sub-que fluids and is going back and forth from okay to not so.
It wasn't all bad though, some good friends got married. Some friends had their rainbow babies, a cousin had his baby. My sister's career started. The husband appears too be moving up at his job and I got transferred to a favorable position at work.
But none of the positives really put much of a dent in the negatives. I'm happy that 2013 will be over, it means a new beginning and hope again, but sad. Sad that time has moved forward and it will soon be a year, a year since we said hello then goodbye. It's bittersweet, I want to hate 2013 but I can't, for fourty three days, it was the happiest year of my life.
Happy New Years Delilah, Mommy loves you.
For fourty three days, it was the happiest days of my life. There was so much joy and hope. I was looking forward to meeting my sweet little Delilah so much. My life would have been perfect and I could not have wished for anything more. But then 2013 crumbled to pain and hurt, despair and anger.
We had to say goodbye to our Delilah less than a day after we met her.
Those were the happiest days.
Out kitty Sampson has been living with Chronic Renal Failure for the last few years, this year was a turning point, he started to need sub-que fluids and is going back and forth from okay to not so.
It wasn't all bad though, some good friends got married. Some friends had their rainbow babies, a cousin had his baby. My sister's career started. The husband appears too be moving up at his job and I got transferred to a favorable position at work.
But none of the positives really put much of a dent in the negatives. I'm happy that 2013 will be over, it means a new beginning and hope again, but sad. Sad that time has moved forward and it will soon be a year, a year since we said hello then goodbye. It's bittersweet, I want to hate 2013 but I can't, for fourty three days, it was the happiest year of my life.
Happy New Years Delilah, Mommy loves you.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Because you will always be my daughter...
I am a pretty crafty person. I like to create things. It doesn't matter if it's squishing clay or painting. I could be twisting metal or sanding wood. We bought a memorial ornament.because I was afraid that I would not do a good enough job. But I wanted to make something from me to show what our family is. The theme to Delilah's room was woodland creatures. It was fitting that I made a family of owls. The three of us, because no matter where she is, Delilah is our daughter and will always be a part of our family.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Holiday Soup
On those Chilly nights, and there's been a lot of those latelt, "enjoy" a cup of "Holiday Soup"
2 Tablespoons of Jealousy: It's a combination of the holidays, SIL's son turning one while Delilah will not.
1 teaspoon of Anxiety: We are rying to get pregnant again, when it will happen.
2 teaspoons of Stress: Sampson, the cat and why on top of his Chronic Renal Failure, he might also have problems with his thyroid.
Dash of Family Obligations: The in-laws that don't understand why I don't want to celebrate.
Mix all ingrediants into existing Soupstock consistings of: sadness, bitterness, anger.
2 Tablespoons of Jealousy: It's a combination of the holidays, SIL's son turning one while Delilah will not.
1 teaspoon of Anxiety: We are rying to get pregnant again, when it will happen.
2 teaspoons of Stress: Sampson, the cat and why on top of his Chronic Renal Failure, he might also have problems with his thyroid.
Dash of Family Obligations: The in-laws that don't understand why I don't want to celebrate.
Mix all ingrediants into existing Soupstock consistings of: sadness, bitterness, anger.
Monday, December 9, 2013
Yesterday...
Yesterday I went to my Sister In Law's son's birthday party, he turned one. It's something my husband dind't understand. I didn't want to go, he tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting to go to any of his family functions. I told him I didn't care about his family, it was not that that bothered me. It was that Delilah would not turn one. She would not get a birthday party. There would be no baloon tied up front to show the party goers, that "This is the house"
The party was what you would expect, kids everywhere, running all over the place. Then what you would not really expect, smokers hanging out around the kids, huff huff, second hand smoke all over the place. WTF?
He turned one, grabbed the cake, it was cute. He's walking and running around, how did time go by so quick? In two months Delilah would have truned one, she would have been running around with these kids, not outside with the smokers.
I couldn't help but to feel so cheated. Then this woman asked if we ever did baby sitting duty. Screw you bitch!
The party was what you would expect, kids everywhere, running all over the place. Then what you would not really expect, smokers hanging out around the kids, huff huff, second hand smoke all over the place. WTF?
He turned one, grabbed the cake, it was cute. He's walking and running around, how did time go by so quick? In two months Delilah would have truned one, she would have been running around with these kids, not outside with the smokers.
I couldn't help but to feel so cheated. Then this woman asked if we ever did baby sitting duty. Screw you bitch!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Dear Delilah
Dear Delilah,
I love you, I miss you. I tell youthat every night. I hope you can feel how much I love you. I wonder if you can see us, if you know that we are trying to make another baby now. Does that make you sad? I want to believe that you will be able to come back to us as one of our babies, but please know that you will always be our Delilah. Our first child, and no child will ever replace you, even if it is your soul in there...
Im scared Delilah, I'm afraid of losing you again, of growing apart. I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again I'll start to lost our connection, I'll start forgetting.
I love you so much my sweet little baby girl, Im afraid...
I am afraid of so much.
I love you, I miss you. I tell youthat every night. I hope you can feel how much I love you. I wonder if you can see us, if you know that we are trying to make another baby now. Does that make you sad? I want to believe that you will be able to come back to us as one of our babies, but please know that you will always be our Delilah. Our first child, and no child will ever replace you, even if it is your soul in there...
Im scared Delilah, I'm afraid of losing you again, of growing apart. I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again I'll start to lost our connection, I'll start forgetting.
I love you so much my sweet little baby girl, Im afraid...
I am afraid of so much.
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