I was hoping that having Ollie would not push back the creation of little critters for all those that have lost their babies.
It's as if he understood how important they are to me. Ollie let me finish one little critter so far.
Here's a little bear to remember L. She is holding three flowers, one for each of D's babies. I hope you like it.
Today is Delilah's second birthday. Today is an emotional day. Two year ago today I went into labor thinking that I would soon have my sweet little girl but things spiraled and instead of joyously holding Delilah we were scared and worried and her dying. Three days ago, I had her little brother and today is the first day we've had with him at home, such a different outcome. I always pictured Delilah with a little brother. She was gonna be a great one, very loving and willing to share, even her girly dresses for tea parties. Today having Ollie here and no Delilah was painful. I miss my sweet little girl and my vision of who she would have been. I also saw Ollie smile in his sleep, who knows, maybe they were playing together in his dream.
My sweet Delilah, I love you so much. You made me so proud and I know you would have continued to do so. Happy birthday sweetheart, I love you, and always will.
Strange how it's always been there. For the longest time tomorrow was just something that I knew was going to be here. Nothing to look forward to, nothing to move towards. It wad just going to happen. I would wander in the darkness forever. Then, the sun. Tomorrow, there's going to be a rainbow.
I'm scared. Scared but I want to putt on a brave face. I know there will be tears. Tears of joy and some of sorrow for what should have been.
Delilah would want us to be happy, and we are. I know she sent this little guy to us, she picked him to be in our lives. But I miss her, I miss who she would be right now, all that she would have experienced with us.
I am excited but a little sad. I think it's just something that will be part of life. Some one will always be missing. But that doesn't mean I won't get to be happy. Ollie well fill our lives with so much joy and I will treasure every moment of it.
I look forward to tomorrow, or rather the day to begin now, as it's past midnight. I'll try my best to be positive and allow myself to be be in bliss when my rainbow comes into this world a happy healthy baby.
I've been rather emotional lately. Feeling cheated and missing my little girl. Today my husband and I were walking around at some stores, and I thought, I should be holding Delilah's hand right now. And I let myself pretend for a little bit, my hand was empty, the little hand that should have been there was absent. I think partly it's because Delilah's birthday is coming up, partly because her little brother will be here soon. It's made me miss her so very much. It's not fair, really. We were all robbed. She should be here with us right now.
I got back into making memorial critters after a little hiatus. I forgot how good it felt to do.
A butterfly for K. And a monkey for B.
"Is this your first baby?"
"No, this is my second."
And I walk away. That's they way it usually goes. I will never not the existence of my precious little girl. Lately, it's been hurting. My heart is breaking again. I miss her so much. My little girl would have been two this year. She would have been such a great big sis. She would have picked out a special toy for her little brother. She would have been able to enjoy her birthday a little more this year, being older. I miss my sweet little girl and what should have been. I am so grateful to her. She was so strong, even when she's not here. She sends me special messages to let me know things will be okay. She helped pick out her little brother. I love my little girl and really wish she was here now.
