Dear 2013

Hello 2013,
For fourty three days, it was the happiest days of my life.  There was so much joy and hope.  I was looking forward to meeting my sweet little Delilah so much.  My life would have been perfect and I could not have wished for anything more.  But then 2013 crumbled to pain and hurt, despair and anger.
We had to say goodbye to our Delilah less than a day after we met her.
Those were the happiest days.
Out kitty Sampson has been living with Chronic Renal Failure for the last few years, this year was a turning point, he started to need sub-que fluids and is going back and forth from okay to not so.
It wasn't all bad though, some good friends got married.  Some friends had their rainbow babies, a cousin had his baby.  My sister's career started.  The husband appears too be moving up at his job and I got transferred to a favorable position at work.
But none of the positives really put much of a dent in the negatives.  I'm happy that 2013 will be over, it means a new beginning and hope again, but sad.  Sad that time has moved forward and it will soon be a year, a year since we said hello then goodbye.  It's bittersweet, I want to hate 2013 but I can't, for fourty three days, it was the happiest year of my life.
Happy New Years Delilah, Mommy loves you.

Because you will always be my daughter...

I am a pretty crafty person.  I like to create things.  It doesn't matter if it's squishing clay or painting.  I could be twisting metal or sanding wood.  We bought a memorial ornament.because I was afraid that I would not do a good enough job.  But I wanted to make something from me to show what our family is.  The theme to Delilah's room was woodland creatures.  It was fitting that I made a family of owls.  The three of us, because no matter where she is, Delilah is our daughter and will always be a part of our family.

Holiday Soup

On those Chilly nights, and there's been a lot of those latelt, "enjoy" a cup of "Holiday Soup"

2 Tablespoons of Jealousy: It's a combination of the holidays, SIL's son turning one while Delilah will not. 
1 teaspoon  of Anxiety: We are rying to get pregnant again, when it will happen.
2 teaspoons of Stress: Sampson, the cat and why on top of his Chronic Renal Failure, he might also have problems with his  thyroid.
Dash of Family Obligations: The in-laws that don't understand why I don't want to celebrate.
Mix all ingrediants into existing Soupstock consistings of: sadness, bitterness, anger.

Yesterday...

Yesterday I went to my Sister In Law's son's birthday party, he turned one.  It's something my husband dind't understand.  I didn't want to go, he tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting to go to any of his family functions.  I told him I didn't care about his family, it was not that that bothered me.  It was that Delilah would not turn one.  She would not get a birthday party.  There would be no baloon tied up front to show the party goers, that "This is the house"
The party was what you would expect, kids everywhere, running all over the place.  Then what you would not really expect, smokers hanging out around the kids, huff huff, second hand smoke all over the place.  WTF?
He turned one, grabbed the cake, it was cute.  He's walking and running around, how did time go by so quick?  In two months Delilah would have truned one, she would have been running around with these kids, not outside with the smokers.
I couldn't help but to feel so cheated.  Then this woman asked if we ever did baby sitting duty. Screw you bitch! 

Dear Delilah

Dear Delilah,
I love you, I miss you.  I tell youthat every night.  I hope you can feel how much I love you.  I wonder if you can see us, if you know that we are trying to make another baby now.  Does that make you sad?  I want to believe that you will be able to come back to us as one of our babies, but please know that you will always be our Delilah.  Our first child, and no child will ever replace you, even if it is your soul in there...
Im scared Delilah, I'm afraid of losing you again, of growing apart.  I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again I'll start to lost our connection, I'll start forgetting.
I love you so much my sweet little baby girl, Im afraid...
I am afraid of so much.