Restless

It's one of those nights, I got home from work today feeling fine.  Then, I saw a gorilla on the news, they did a c-section on the mom and took baby out.  The baby wasn't doing well but got better.  When they gave the baby back to her after about a week, she went for her baby and knew it was her baby.  She took care of her baby. 
I want my baby.
The rest of the night was spent kinda in a daze.  Feeling like I had something to do but not sure what. 
I want my baby. 
I feel like I'm in limbo, stuck between what was and what I want. 
I painted in Delilah's room this weekend, fixed the baseboards.  It's looking nicer in there now. 
I want my baby.

An All Consuming Need

Lately it's been the only thing I've been thinking about.  Baby!  I want to be pregnant, so very badly.  Nothing else matters, nothing!  It's all I want that is possible.  I want to feel my baby growing inside of me again.  I want to feel that bond and warmth.  I want to get to know another little person and nurture them and learn about their strage food desired.  Delilah loved sour/tart things, probably because she was so sweet herself :)  Lately I've been feeling more and more crushed everytime I see that we are not pregnant.  I break dowm for days with each negative test, temperature dip and onset of the bitch.  Eash month I get less and less hopeful. 
This month is the last chance for a 2014 Rainbow.  And it's alright, I'm trying to not let if drive me insane, we can only try our best and cross our fingers and toes and anything else that'll cross.  I think I've accepted that I will most likely not have a 2014 Rainbow.  Yea it'll suck but I don't wanna put that much stress on myself.
I'll just have to keep on trying and keep preparing the nursery and making it perfect for Delilah's sibling whenever it is time for that to happen.
What breaks my heart is that lately, I've been feeling fantom kicks.  I haven't had those in forever.  It'l like my body wants it so badly, it's trying to trick itself. 
Gotta stop and step aside, and breathe, one day, one day.

My little toddler...

I wonder what you would have been like at this age.  If you would have been walking yet.  I think you would have been, you would be running around the house chasing cats and dogs.  Giving us kisses and lots of hugs.  I probably would have you sleep in or room, in the play pen.  I miss you sweet heart, I miss you so much, my heart breaks thinking that we are going to have to move on in life without you by our side.  You will never wear the veil I forgot to wear on my wedding day as you play dress up.  I missed you so much.  I lie you Delilah.

Letting Go...

I think about it from time to time.  Letting go, how do you do it.
Is it acceptance that I will never have Delilah in my arms again, that her little body is in the form of ashes in an urn in my room? 
Am I allowed to think that her sould will return to inhabit another body and we have have a second chance that way?
Is that wrong? 
What is letting go?  I said good bye when she passed away, is it okay to speak to her every night before going to sleep?
Lately I don't really have much to say, what does that mean.  I miss her, I miss her deperately.  I want to be her momma again. 
Is that possible, is that wrong for me to say to her, give her false hope, can she hear me, am I keeping her from moving on? 
I love her. 
I don't want to let go, not yet.