Farmers Market

Today my husband and I decided to check out the farmer's market in town.  It was lovely, the buzz of lots of people walking about, the smell of sweet fruit in the air, the warm sun and cool breeze, a taste of peaches here, cherries there.  We picked up some plums, peaches, kale, tomatoes, cherries.  After the peaches and plums, I heard her.
It was like I was looking in to the future I had dreamed up for my Delilah.  It was a little girl, with the exact hair that I had always pictured her with, in a cute little sun dress and cardigan from Carters.  She was asking her mom a question in that sweet curious sing song voice that I always imagined Delilah would have.  She was asking her mommy about what something was.  She was so adorable.
I wanted to cry, I did cry.  I lost all interest in the farmers market, I suddenly noticed all the young families, all the little children.  I thought about Delilah and how she would have loved the farmers market.  She would insist on bringing her little red wagon to help us carry to groceries.  When we buy a flat of strawberries, her daddy would tell her not to eat any yet until they are washed.  She would sneak one from her wagon when she is riding along with the groceries.
I thought about all my dreams for her and all her antics that we will miss out on.  I miss Delilah, I miss her so bad.  My beautiful little girl, my hopes and dreams.  

Our Wedding Anniversary

May 29th. 2010, three years ago today, my husband and I took that big step and tied the knot.  The week was looking like it was going to rain and ruin our beautiful outdoor wedding but suddenly it all cleared up and we were lucky enough to have a beautifully clear and sunny day for our wedding. Happy Anniversary Honey, you're the best husband anyone can ask for.

A couple of months ago when he suggested that we do something for out anniversary I thought NO!  THERE"S NOTHING TO CELEBRATE!!!  But then he was hurt, he reminded me that we still had each other.  And that was so true, I was so stuck in my grief that I was blind to everything else.

Today we went horseback riding.  It was nice, we drove down to Big Sur and rode along a lovely meadow and down to the beach.  On the return trot back, I found my mind wandering.  I was thinking about Delilah and how she would feel about horses.  I had a feeling that she would have loved them, we would have signed her up for riding lessons and when we go horseback riding on vacations she would "teach her mommy and daddy" how to ride right.  I thought about how she would be happy that we were doing something and trying to enjoy ourselves.  I pictures her giving us each a kiss on the cheek.  I got misty eyed.

When my husband pulled over at the beach that we went to so many years ago when we first started dating, I was watching the ocean, the waves crashing in and washing away everything on the shore.  Just like that, it was all gone, just like all our dreams for our beautiful little girl.

Delilah is the culmination of of our love, we made her and she was beautiful like our love. Celebrating and being happy is only right, because of our love, such an awesome and beautiful baby girl was created.  We love you Delilah.

Flowers

I bought some flowers yesterday.  We've been getting flowers to place by Delilah's urn.  We usually try to pick out ones that look happy and cheerful like she made me feel.  And we usually get them at Safeway or Trader Joe's.  Yeaterday I was thinking about what Delilah might be doing in "Baby Heaven" and I pictured her picking wild flowers.  So this week I decided to walk down to the Farmers Market and Delilah some special flowers.  I knew they had to be whimsical and pink.  They had to be playful and fun.  It took a few boots but I think I found the perfect flowers for my baby.

98 Days Later

I guess it takes a storm of tears and convulsions.  Such sadness and emptiness to build up and flood your life.  A feeling that you are lost and will never find your way back.  It has been 98 days since we said goodbye. 98 miserable inconsolable days and nights that tear me apart, shredding away at who I used to be.
Today after a particularly difficult week I realized that I did not cry.  When I realized that I did not cry, I wanted to cry.  So what made today different from all the other days? Maybe my tears ran dry?  Maybe I was too tired to busy to let the sadness catch up to me.  Maybe it was that when I was speaking to my husband on the phone, I had a vision of Delilah.  She was being such a good girl made me so proud.  Maybe it was because I was able to go to the craft store and get more yarn to make more hats for NICU babies.  I don't know what made today different but some how I managed to love my sweet Delilah, to talk about her and miss her without falling apart.  Hey Delilah, Mommy is getting better and your love is helping her get there.  I love you Delilah.

bad day

I tell myself there are good days and bad.  I've just gotta muster through the bad ones.  Today was definitely a very bad day.  I spent most of last night crying and eventually took some melatonin and "sleepy time" tea to calm myself down and go to sleep.  I woke up this morning and cried some more then fell asleep on the rest of the ride to Bart.  On my way out to lunch I decided that I didn't feel like eating and spent lunch softly crying at my desk. 
Just a few years ago I never knew anyone who lost a baby.  Then a friend at work lost his baby at full term.  That made me cry and scared me.  When we got pregnant, that was in the back of my mind but I didn't think it would happen to us too. 
The pediatrician that was with Delilah told me that they don't really get too many full term babies passing away in the NICU.  Now I read on a forum, that I read and contribute to, about so many babies having to say goodbye to their parents.  It's shocking how many babies die.  It never really hit home until the day my baby passed away. 

Thunder Theif

This probably sounds insane to anymone but me.  But I am mad at the Thunder Theif.  When my husband and I conceived we were excited but didn't tell our family right away.  We wanted to wait until we got past 12 weeks.  But what do you know, SIL went out and got herself knocked up.  The inlaws had a big verbal brawl, nasty words were exchanged and the solution to their discord was a shot gun wedding.  The date for the gun to be fired, the day of our baby moon.  So SIL is the center of attention and our baby gets put in the back.  After the wedding everything revolved around that family, sure we're pregnant too but we had to trek it over to their place for the holidays and such cuz she's a month and a half further along.  When SIL goes into labor and has her baby, we sit and wait at the hospital for hours, sure I'm tired and uncomfortable but it's ok, SIL is more important.  Resentment fills me up, it's illogical but I feel my daughter's thunder was stolen, she was the planned first grand child, and now my baby is gone and the Thunder Theif is still here.  He gets all the attention.  He stole her thunder so she would not be able to fight away the badness.  FIL loves him so much, FIL who told us to get rid of everything in my daughter's room.  I'm mad at Thunder Theif but it's so dumb because he didn't do anything wrong.  He's just alive while my Delilah is not.   

Night time...

I remember during the course of my pregnancy there were just nights when I could not fall asleep.  But those nights were not so bad as I had Delilah with me.  And she made everything better.  Now I am encountering those sleepness nights more and more often.  I lay in bed and think... my mind wanders to dark places.  But nowadays, where is there light.  I sometimes feel like a wraith.  Excuse my LOTR reference but when Frodo puts on the one ring at the tower when the Nazgul have surrounded them.  The world of shadows.  That is my world, all the beauty and color has washed away.  I exist.  I live to pass time.  I work to support myself.  I eat to stay alive.  Sometimes there are glimpses of color,  sepia tone moment, it's moving toward normal.  I feel grey.  It's 1:39 in the morning and I have to get up at 6:30 for work.  I miss my baby.  The world doesn't feel right without her in it.

Clarity

There are things in life that was once unclear and now I know with out doubt.
Once I was unsure if I ever wanted to be a mommy.  At the end of 2011, my husband decided that we wanted a child.  I was set on one absolutely wonderful child.  Now I know that I love my baby and I know I want more babies, lots of babies.  I want to be a mommy again, I want to be one so bad. 

Delilah showed me that I would be a good mommy.  I was always worried that I would make the wrong decisions or she would hate me.  I loved being her mommy, and I love her, I knew without a doubt that I would have been an awesome mommy to her, I would have made mistakes along the way but everything would have been done because I thought it was for the best.  I was afraid to hold babies or that I would hold her wrong, but she felt perfectly right in my arms.

I remember watching dramas on television and seeing husbands decide wether to save their child or his wife.  I remember thinking that they can make another baby but they can't do either if she dies.  I don't think that way any more.  I know that if it were a choice between my life and my child's, my husband should choose to save our child.  I would demand that he has to save our baby.

Anger

I've been getting so angry lately.  I've been getting so pissed off and wanted to smash the world into little pieces and set them on fire.

Things that piss me off:
-The ungrateful "mothers" on Bart that yell at an drag their kids around.
-Grey's Anatomy's season finale when Meredith Grey talks about the perfect storm, how when one thing goes wrong, everything goes wrong.  No MEREDITH, not everything went wrong, if it did, your son would have died because of some stupid horrible ultra race occurrence that you never even knew existed.
-When people tell me that bad things happen to everyone and I need to get over it.
-When people act like Delilah didn't exist or wasn't important.
-When people say "You are young, you can have another."
-Gossipy women at work.

A lot of things make me angry, I've been getting really irritated at the dumbest things too.  Bad drivers, the mess in the house, the dang Oleander bush in front of the house...

Everything is pissing me off.  I've been so angry these last few weeks.  Delilah would not have wanted me so angry, she mellowed me, taught me to be nice, I need to remember that and stop being to angry.

Taboo...

I had a dream last night, I can't remember the details but I know it was about Delilah.  In my dream something big was happening.  She was leaving me again.  And I woke up and was yelling.  I don't want to lose her again.  I tried to tell my husband about it but he changed the subject.  I guess I'm not supposed to talk about her anymore.  I've noticed lately that when I talk about Delilah he gets weird.  I noticed that with his family a while back, they look at me weird when I mention her.  My friends don't seem to think I should be sad anymore either.  They listen when I talk about her but they mostly want to talk about happy things.

Art

The Furry Ones

Before we became pregnant with Delilah, I had pets, have pets. 2 dogs and 3 cats. I was especially close to one of the cats. I would spoil the old man rotten. He would come and sit on my lap and be kicked by Delilah during the pregnacy. At one point I thought he was avoiding us and that made me really sad but it turned out to be the lavendar lotion he didn't like. Whenever I left the house I would tell him: "I love you, be good, see you when I get home" It became a ritual for us. After we returned home from the hospital after we lost Delilah, my heart was broken. My old man cat fell out of his spot in my heart, he became just a cat to me and no longer Sammy my little bow-tie wearing, three legged, yowling loud mouth buddy. The other animals who I was never really close with fell even further from grace. I would lose my temper with them and resent them. At times I even asked them why they didn't die instead.
Delilah would be so dissapointed in me for feeling that way. She was such a sweet soul, I could feel it when I was pregnant with her, when I was holding her. She was supposed to grow up with her "furry brothers and sisters." She was gonna play tea party with them, put Sammy in his bowties, dress Coco and Snow in her teddy bear clothes. She was going to try to feed Maple and Sonic her "yucky" food under the table and they were all going to love her.  Maple would probably let Delilah climb and sit on her.
Now they are still here but Delilah is not and I resent them, I hate that they are still alive while my beautiful baby is gone and I will never hold her again.  I try to remind myself that the didn't do anything wrong, but it's hard to feel the same right now.

Hollow

Lately I've been feeling very hollow.  It feels like all the things that made me Me was washed away with the deluge of sadness that followed Delilah's passing.It's been three months and people who are connected to Delilah seem to be "moving on" and becoming more "normal."  I can't/won't let go and by doing that I'm falling apart, I'm being deconstructed from the core and rebuilt into something that I don't recognize, someone that I don't know if I like very much. 
A lot of times whem my husband and I are on the couch watching television I will be cradeling Daffodil instead of watching whatever is on.  Yesterday was the series finale of The Office.  My husband was watching and laughing and crying, and really enjoying the program.  He asked me why I wasn't watching, I told him that I didn't care anymore.  I don't enjoy all the shows that I used to watch, things that used to make me sad don't anymore. 
I used to be a gamer, was playing on my PS3 a lot during the pregnacy, Delilah and I finished a lot of games in those nine months.  I haven't played anything since we said goodbye. 
My friends, I feel are slipping away, they are happy and I just don't want to be that right now.  I don't care about anything.  I don't want to hear about their kids and how so and so is graduating soon.  Guess what Delilah will never wear a cap and gown, she never even got to wear any of the outfits we had bought her. 
Right now I need to reconfigure my life, I feel like I'm stuck and am not sure where to go.  I miss my baby but it feels like I'm not supposed to talk about her anymore.  Even my husband seems less sad now.  I still have crying spells where I end up choking and coughing.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I'm alive and going through all the motions of life but I don't want to participate.  Tag, you're it.  no thank you.        

The Waiting Game

Delilah would have been three months old on Monday.  Transitioning into her non newborn sized clothes, starting to recognize our faces apart from other people. 
It was three months since we said good bye on Tuesday. 
Three months to check off from the waiting.  Six more months until we can try to make another little baby.  And maybe if we are lucky enough her little soul will come back and make a new home in the new little pod we will make for her. 
All I can do is wait.  Live each crappy day until the day that I can start to live again.

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mothers Day.  Congratulations I failed.  I don't get to be a mommy, I lost my baby.  My sweet Delilah, she passed away.  So today, instead of getting pampered; I get to build a pen for the birds.  I get do laundry and the dishes.  I get to make dinner and clean.  I get to be sad and miss my baby.  I don't get flowers, I get to buy flowers to put by my baby's urn.  Today was difficult, I didn't get acknowledged that I was a mommy.  My husband didn't even tell me that I  was a good mommy to Delilah.  I got ignored. 
I don't get to be a mommy here on Earth.  But I got to be her mommy.  Holding her, and seeing her.  Those nine months with her.  Thank you Delilah.  I treasure every moment I had with you.  My memories of you is the best Mother's Day present.  I love you Delilah.  Mommy loves you.
I just wanted some validation that I was your mommy. That I am your mommy.

Random

If our home blew up and we all died, it would be ok.  I said that to my husband the other day.  It was after he was telling me about his job and how management wad treating him.  I told him we would be happier if we were dead.  Then we would get to be with Delilah and be a family again. 
Thoughts like that have been entering my mind more often lately.  Dark and twisty per Meridith and Christina.  On Friday there were two idiota on Bart.  They were drunk off their asses and harassing another rider.  One of them was trying to temper down the other.  They annoyed me.  I thought to myself that ppeople like that don't deserve to live.  They are trash.  Idiots that don't take their lives seriously.  Why did Delilah have to die and garbage like that gets to live.  I wanted to kill them.  I wanted to cut their throats and watch them bleed out.     
But Delilah would not want me to think that way.  She was such a sweet and kind soul.  Why did she not get to stay?  She would have been three months old today.  In theory starting to wear her "3 month" clothes.  Then we would have been putting away her newborn clothes for her possibly for a future younger sister.  But Delilah never got to wear her newborn clothes.  I never got to put her little socks on her or snap the little snaps on her onesies.  I never got to wash my darling little girl. 
I miss her so bad.  Today will be a bad day, but I should concentrate on her life and the time we had together. Tomorrow will be worse.  Tomorrow will be three months since we said goodbye.

Thank you Delilah

Recently a really kind person referred me to an awesome blog.  The Momma writing is very inspirational.  Even in her darkest time she still seems hopeful and is not forgetting the happiness and joy that her baby brought her.  She is not succumbing to the darkness. http://meetbabydub.wordpress.com/

After reading her blog I realized some things:
 -I should cherish every moment I had with Delilah, not just the 15 hours I had with her after she was born but those beautiful nine months that I had with her.  Every precious kick and jab, the pokey heel of her foot, knee or elbow pressing out my belly button.  Now every time I look at my half inny/outie belly button I should think of Delilah and her happy little dance parties she used to have in my belly.
-Delilah made me a nicer person, she managed to teach me patience and to be nicer to other people.  It was like she somehow managed to turn off the mean button.  I didn't get as mad at crazy drivers, I didn't lose my temper at customers.  She taught me happiness, I was smiling all the time.  I was talking to people.  Now I hide and avoid people at work, my hopeful vision of the future has to my feet where I look to avoid the looks of others.  I am sad and cry all the time.
-Delilah was a fighter, she fought to live and survive.  She was tough, she even managed to find the energy to open her big brown eyes and look me in the eyes.

I need to honor my daughter, I need to do right by her, not just doing things on her behalf but taking care of her family.  I need to remember the lessons she taught me.  I need to find happy again and not let the sadness take over, I need to be strong like her and make her proud.  I need to concentrate on the happy times.  It will be hard but I need to start trying harder, I'll make you proud baby girl and not forget the lessons that you taught me.  

Still going...

After returning to work a about two weeks ago my time has been occupied by work.  When there is lots of paperwork to do great! Otherwise it gets quiet and I start to look at Delilah's pictures and my mind goes to dark places. Then I get all worked up and sad.  I think that returning to work has been mostly good for me. It takes up my time and forces me to at least physically be more "normal."  I get up and get dressed, I don't just stay in my pajamas all day thinking about how I am without Delilah.   I eat lunch and talk to people
I'm not just alone for the whole day waiting for my husband to come home and crying uncontrollably by myself.  The world keeps on moving and I need to be part of it.  I've noticed on the forum that I frequently stalk a lot of the moms from when I started posting on my loss are not there anymore.  I see it as a sign that people keep going and it will hurt less. 

Realization

I realized that I have been in denial for the last two and a half months.  I knew Delilah had passed away.  I am reminded everytime I wake up.  Everytime I walk pass the closed door of her room.  Every car trip, Bart ride.  Everyday at work at home.  When I eat.  When I get ready to sleep.  When I shower.  When I pretend to watch tv with my husband.  I think about the hole in my being all the time.  I kept convincing myself that I would get my Delilah back.  I still think that Delilah's soul might come back to me and be my next child.  But that's the thing.  She would not be Delilah anymore.  Those little hands that I held as the wheeled her away to be transferred to a different hospital, those little fingers, such shiny little.  Nails like she had some how gotten herself a manicure.  I'll never get to hold those little hands again or see them rainbow cored from a morning of finger painting.  Those little feet with her long toes.  Feet that her daddy says look like mine.  Those little feet never touched the ground.  Her perfect heart shaped face.  I'll never get to kiss her forehead or cheek again.  Her big brown eyes and long lashes.  We'll never again look into each others eyes.  Her defined upper lip and pouty lower lip will never kiss me good night.  I will never see her grow up, make friends.  I'll never see her hide the yucky food on her plate in Maple's mouth.  My Delilah is gone.  She is gone and I miss her so much.

Chatter

Today I cried at work.  I cried and it was ugly.  One of my co-workers came by to talk to me.  She had lost her 13 year old to cancer.  I cannot imagine what she went through.   I just had a small amount time with my Delilah before she passed, I can't imagine what I would do.  She spoke to me of God and how I have to believe.  I don't.  Not exactly or in a traditional way.  I guess it's more comforting to think of your child as with "the creator."  I cried some more later when another coworker went to talk to another lady in the cubicle next to mine.  She just had her grandbaby a few weeks before Delilah was born.  She was tellin the other lady how her grand baby was starting to coo and make noises.  Delilah would have been doing that soon too...  I miss her.