Realization

I realized that I have been in denial for the last two and a half months.  I knew Delilah had passed away.  I am reminded everytime I wake up.  Everytime I walk pass the closed door of her room.  Every car trip, Bart ride.  Everyday at work at home.  When I eat.  When I get ready to sleep.  When I shower.  When I pretend to watch tv with my husband.  I think about the hole in my being all the time.  I kept convincing myself that I would get my Delilah back.  I still think that Delilah's soul might come back to me and be my next child.  But that's the thing.  She would not be Delilah anymore.  Those little hands that I held as the wheeled her away to be transferred to a different hospital, those little fingers, such shiny little.  Nails like she had some how gotten herself a manicure.  I'll never get to hold those little hands again or see them rainbow cored from a morning of finger painting.  Those little feet with her long toes.  Feet that her daddy says look like mine.  Those little feet never touched the ground.  Her perfect heart shaped face.  I'll never get to kiss her forehead or cheek again.  Her big brown eyes and long lashes.  We'll never again look into each others eyes.  Her defined upper lip and pouty lower lip will never kiss me good night.  I will never see her grow up, make friends.  I'll never see her hide the yucky food on her plate in Maple's mouth.  My Delilah is gone.  She is gone and I miss her so much.