Last year...

Yesterday my dad turned 59.  Last year on his birthday he was so happy when I told him that he was going to be a grandpa.  This year I sit at his birthday dinner without his grand daughter in my arms.  I realized after dinner on the way home that I hate family get togethers.  It reminds me that I failed.  I failed to safely bring my precious daughter into this world.  My beuatiful little Delilah is not here in my arms like she should be.  I am a failure.  Lately I can't get my mind off of her final moments.  How she tried so hard. She was tough and determined to give us what ever time she could manage.   The ultra sound technician said that she was stubborn when she refused to move out of the way so he could get a clear picture of the placenta.  I had a partial previa at the beginning of the pregnacy.  Who knew that would be the evil lurking monster around the corner.  The girl is stubborn.  Hopefully her stubborness will pay off and she'll get to come back as my next child.  I live for you Delilah.   I love you. 

My Fellow Responsible People

It is scary and alarming.  My fellow responsible people, we are waiting too long!!!  Look around you, on BART on the streets, in the malls, all these kids and otherwise trashy people are populating the Earth.  Guess what ladies, when we hit 35 our chances of getting pregnant drastically drop!  We have good jobs and places to live, we are doing good in the world.  Make babies people!  It is our responsibility to the world to produce responsible offspring.  Who else is gonna take over the government?  Come one folks.

The hiccips

My Sweet Delilah,
The first time I noticed it I had to look it up online to make sure it was normal.  You were hiccupping.  A bunch of tiny thuds inside my uterus.  I felt bad for you because I know I do not like getting the hiccups; you would get them all the time.
One time I was trying to do a kick count and there you went.  I miss you hiccuping.  I miss you.

Babies

I went out today to a few stores by Home Depot.  Things were going well.  I did wander into the baby section but nothing managed to tip the cup.  Then I saw her.  A brand new baby girl.  Her mommy was busy looking at shoes.  I wanted to take her baby.  I wanted to hold her and play with her and close my eyes and pretend that that baby was Delilah.  I turn down the isle and left.  Then I came home and cried.
After feeling sorry for myself I managed a pep talk and ended up in the garage.  I got out the jig saw and cut the wood for her shelves.  Then I sanded the edges and painted them.  I did good Delilah.  Your room will finally have shelves for all the books that you've accumulated.  I love you Delilah.

5 Months

Today she would have been 5 months old.  And I miss her so much.  Some might question how i can miss her so much when she was only alive for fifteen hours.  I miss the way she made me feel; I felt so happy and at peace.  I was so happy with Delilah.  I miss what could have been what should have been.  Our family.  The three of us happily staying home together and being so content.  I love my Delilah.  
Today I delided to make a statue to keep my hands busy and create something to express my hopes and dreams.

Things we wish we did

I was in Delilah's room the other day. I go in there often to touch her things and think about her.  I miss her so much.  I see her growing collection of books, books that I had only started buying after I lost her. 
They make me think of all the things that I wish we had done.   I wish that I had talked to her more when she was still in my uterus.  I wish we had read to her.  That my husband had spent more time with his hand on my tummy talking to her instead of watching car videos on his phone.  I wish we had interacted with her more. 
We did take some time every week though to take a belly photo.  That was something my husband wanted to do and I'm so grateful to him for that.  I had also wanted to take some of those cute couple photos while pregnant.  Where mom and dad made a heart shape with their hand over the baby bump.  Where dad held mom and looked so proud of his growing little one.  I had bugged him a bunch of times toward the end of the pregnacy.  Everytime he was tired or he needed a hair cut.  We never did take those photos. 
Regret is something that sits heavily on your chest when you lose your baby.  All the what ifs but this post is mot about that.  I realized that despite all the things that I wish I had done with Delilah on board and by my side, we did do a lot. 
We attended two weddings, test drove a car, changed departments at work.  We found a yummy new restaurant thanks to a Belgium waffle craving.  We saw a giant cinnamon roll.  We put together her glider.  I was sad that I never gpt to hold her and rock her on it; but, I realized that I did.  We rocked on it for a little bit after we put it together.
It's so easy to get caught up in all the things we missed out on.  That we only have bits and pieces of fifteen hours.  I often times forget that we also had nine beautiful months together.  I am grateful for that.  I got to know the most loving and beautiful little baby girl ever.  Yes, I'm selfish.  I wish I had more time but who wouldn't.  Bit on those difficult days, I've been having a lot of those lately, I have to take comfort in the time we did have.  I love my Delilah and she loved me.

Lost

Lately it feels like I'm caught in a rip tide.  I was wading around in life and then this undercurrent shows up and drags me under.  I am being pulled from the shore, and it's getting further and further away.

On Friday I took Delilah's name off the wall in her room, I've know that it had to be done at some point but the act of actually doing it hit me like a sledge hammer.  I ended up putting her name in a shadow box in our room.  It was my husband's idea, he said then we can see her pretty name in our room and it'll still be up somewhere.  Removing her name was so hard, it was like taking her away.  But now her name sits in a shadow bow in my room, with all the birds and flowers and butterflies that embellished each letter.

My husband also had me move her urn to our bedroom.  It was strange the way he suggested it.  I kinda heard his dad's voice behind the suggestion.  That it was strange for people to see when they come over.  Shit, I don't know where people keep urns, why can't she be in the living room mantle?  Why is it weird, why do I care what other people think?  I'm sad everyday of my life.  And seeing her there with me makes me feel less lonely.

Lonely, my husband is away with one of his good friends.  It's the guy's "Bachelor Weekend" I'm glad my husband gets to get away and be happy for a bit but I miss him.  While I was pregnant with Delilah,  it was always "us, we" I was a team, I was never alone, after I lost Delilah, I attached myself to my husband, and get so lonely when he is not home.  I can hardly even leave the house.  I just want to stay in and sleep and not do anything all day.

Dammit, I'm mad at this world.  Why did Delilah have to be taken from me, I love her so much, I miss her so much.  This is completely unfair.

Work Baby Shower

Last week I went to the party store and bought decorations for my coworkers "welcome back to work baby shower."  They had their Rainbow last month.  When the found out that we had lost our baby they can and visited with us.  They held us and cried with us.  They are good people so I wanted to help them feel special and let them know how happy we are for them.  I decorated his cubicle and planned his party.  Today when he got back to work I congratulated him and smiled and asked questions.  I enjoyed hearing about the hijinks and stuff but then I got really sad.  It was overwhelming and hard to handle.  I excused myself and went back to my desk to cry.  I am so happy for them, trully I am.  But I can't help but be sad.