Dear 2013

Hello 2013,
For fourty three days, it was the happiest days of my life.  There was so much joy and hope.  I was looking forward to meeting my sweet little Delilah so much.  My life would have been perfect and I could not have wished for anything more.  But then 2013 crumbled to pain and hurt, despair and anger.
We had to say goodbye to our Delilah less than a day after we met her.
Those were the happiest days.
Out kitty Sampson has been living with Chronic Renal Failure for the last few years, this year was a turning point, he started to need sub-que fluids and is going back and forth from okay to not so.
It wasn't all bad though, some good friends got married.  Some friends had their rainbow babies, a cousin had his baby.  My sister's career started.  The husband appears too be moving up at his job and I got transferred to a favorable position at work.
But none of the positives really put much of a dent in the negatives.  I'm happy that 2013 will be over, it means a new beginning and hope again, but sad.  Sad that time has moved forward and it will soon be a year, a year since we said hello then goodbye.  It's bittersweet, I want to hate 2013 but I can't, for fourty three days, it was the happiest year of my life.
Happy New Years Delilah, Mommy loves you.

Because you will always be my daughter...

I am a pretty crafty person.  I like to create things.  It doesn't matter if it's squishing clay or painting.  I could be twisting metal or sanding wood.  We bought a memorial ornament.because I was afraid that I would not do a good enough job.  But I wanted to make something from me to show what our family is.  The theme to Delilah's room was woodland creatures.  It was fitting that I made a family of owls.  The three of us, because no matter where she is, Delilah is our daughter and will always be a part of our family.

Holiday Soup

On those Chilly nights, and there's been a lot of those latelt, "enjoy" a cup of "Holiday Soup"

2 Tablespoons of Jealousy: It's a combination of the holidays, SIL's son turning one while Delilah will not. 
1 teaspoon  of Anxiety: We are rying to get pregnant again, when it will happen.
2 teaspoons of Stress: Sampson, the cat and why on top of his Chronic Renal Failure, he might also have problems with his  thyroid.
Dash of Family Obligations: The in-laws that don't understand why I don't want to celebrate.
Mix all ingrediants into existing Soupstock consistings of: sadness, bitterness, anger.

Yesterday...

Yesterday I went to my Sister In Law's son's birthday party, he turned one.  It's something my husband dind't understand.  I didn't want to go, he tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting to go to any of his family functions.  I told him I didn't care about his family, it was not that that bothered me.  It was that Delilah would not turn one.  She would not get a birthday party.  There would be no baloon tied up front to show the party goers, that "This is the house"
The party was what you would expect, kids everywhere, running all over the place.  Then what you would not really expect, smokers hanging out around the kids, huff huff, second hand smoke all over the place.  WTF?
He turned one, grabbed the cake, it was cute.  He's walking and running around, how did time go by so quick?  In two months Delilah would have truned one, she would have been running around with these kids, not outside with the smokers.
I couldn't help but to feel so cheated.  Then this woman asked if we ever did baby sitting duty. Screw you bitch! 

Dear Delilah

Dear Delilah,
I love you, I miss you.  I tell youthat every night.  I hope you can feel how much I love you.  I wonder if you can see us, if you know that we are trying to make another baby now.  Does that make you sad?  I want to believe that you will be able to come back to us as one of our babies, but please know that you will always be our Delilah.  Our first child, and no child will ever replace you, even if it is your soul in there...
Im scared Delilah, I'm afraid of losing you again, of growing apart.  I'm afraid that if I get pregnant again I'll start to lost our connection, I'll start forgetting.
I love you so much my sweet little baby girl, Im afraid...
I am afraid of so much.

Thanksgiving

I am thankful for the time that we had together.  That I was allowed to be your mother. 

Sometimes...

The holidays suck!  Last year I was happily waiting for the birth of my precious Delilah in February.  This year I am babyless left with bitterness and anger.  Such a beautiful life, taken away just like that.  I miss my daughter so much. 

She could have tried mashed potatoes and other soft things, the crinkling of her little nose when she experianced the tartness of cranberry sauce.  Getting her hands sticky from the yams and melted marshmallows.  I honestly don't even know if a nine month old would be able to eat those things.  I'm having a harder time now, imagining what she would have looked like as she grew older.  My sweet little girl. 

The Rain

It's raining outside, like it was raining that week after we lost Delilah.
This past week has been so emotional, I'm so worried about our kitty Sampson.  We adopted him in 2008 a couple of months after our senior cat Jack passed away.  Sampson is now 15, and having kidney problems.  He hasn't been doing so well.  Poor guy, he tries.  He tries to eat, and get up.  He's looking better after IV fluids.  We have to be positive right?  The vet thinks it might me something else besides hsi kidneys, she said that he can still stick around for a long time.  I hope you do Sammy, I hope you live until you are super old and continue to be happy.  I am not ready to lose you too. 
On Wednesday, I had my Implanon taken out, and was cleared to try to conceive.  Sampson is supposed to meet the next little one.  To go up to her/him and try to cuddle.  I love you Sampson, please stay.
It feels like life is taking a dump on my life, it's shitty and horrible, you can't escape the stench of it. 

9 months

It's odd...
Tomorrow, Delilah will have been gone for longer than she existed.  I only had nine months with her in my womb and parts of 15 hours when she was in this world.  Delilah was only around for such a short amount of time but she is one of the most important people in my life.  Her life, so profoundly affected me, she changed who I am and made everything different.  I will always have her in my heart and a part of me will always be missing, that part is with Delilah, holding her and trying to show her how much I love her. 
I keep going back to that day, I felt her move that morning then it all went downhill.  My precious little girl.  When she was transferred to Oakland, why didn't I send her daddy to go be with her.  When I eventually got to Oakland, why didn't I insist on going to see her right away.  When she passed away did she stay by her body or did her spirit leave, did she see us break, did she see us cry?  If she did stay by her body, was sh sad that we left?  Did she watch her body get cremated?  Does Delilah hear us when we tell her about our days and say goodnight before we go to bed?   
But those are all the sad things, what about the positive?  She would have been nine months old today, probably crawling around getting into everything, harassing the pets.  It would have been great fun.
Nine months, I knew this would be a tough one, it's where we pass her "lifetime."  It really bothers me, that she would be gone longer that her life time.  Some people get to live so long, some not so good people too, why didn't my sweet little girl, who was gonna fill the world with such a pure energy of innocent joy and love?
This is an odd day.  9 months is also the time my OB told me to wait before we TTC again.  And everyone knows about it and are keeping track...  I go get my Implanon removed from my arm today and then, yes, well, there will be more tears there for every BFN.  I'm also scared about how I might feel when it actually happens.  Will people not "allow" me to be sad for Delilah anymore, am I expected to smiled because we made another baby?  Will I secretly harbor resentment toward the child we get a boy and the family loves him more, will I resent him because I feel they would not have loved our girl that much?
Our 15 year old cat is also not doing so well lately.  I was hoping that he would be around for baby two, he used to like to sit by my belly and ket kicked by Delilah.  Right now Sammy is at the vet getting fluids, his kidneys are not doing well.  This is not a good year for us.  I don't want to lose Sammy too.  Too much loss so close together just damages you.
On the Saturday the 9th, the hospital held a remembrance ceremony for everyone that lost a child, it was lovely.  So may people, so many parents.  Some of the nurses and doctors were there, they were kind.  There was a speech, a rose ceremony, they showed a slide show of everyone and read the names of all the children.  I cried so much, but I also felt less alone, my husband said he felt lighter.

Happy nine months Delilah, momma loves you.  I will love you forever.

Dear Bonnie...

I think back to a few months ago, and what a different place I was in.  Things are different now, better but sadness still looms.    
My name is Bonnie and my daughter's name is Delilah Sage; I am a mother yet my arms are empty. After six years of dating, my husband and I finally made it official and tied the knot. In 2011, we bought our house and by the end of the year, we decided that 2012 was the year we would like to start a family.                                                                                                                                                  Best decision you guys ever made.  Even knowing the outcome, those nine plus months ares till the best times of your life, filled with such joy and hope, such pure happiness.

My husband and I were so happy when we got pregnant. I was even more thrilled when we found out we were having a baby girl; he got nervous, as most daddies do. As the months went on, as Delilah grew bigger and stronger, I fell more and more in love with her. Each kick and jab was a delight - I was the happiest I had ever been. It was a beautiful pregnancy, no complications. Only minor pregnancy aches and pains. As her due date passed, I made a deal with Delilah. If she was born that week, I would get her the sea horse stuffy that we always saw at the store.                                 And that stuffed seahorse still sits in her room.  I go in there and hold it, listen to it play music and light up the room with the warm glow from its belly.

Right on cue in the middle of the week, bright and early in the morning; I went into labor. When we got to the hospital, they said her heart rate was sporadic but decided to monitor her for a bit first. When her heart rate stabilized, I got up and my water broke and they lost her heart beat. I was rushed to receive an emergency C-section and put under with general anesthesia. When I woke, my baby was no longer in me. I was all by myself.

I asked the nurse about my baby. He told me that the doctor would update me. My world started crumbling - something wasn’t right. I started crying and my husband showed up; he was with Delilah, like we had planned for during the "what ifs” talk. The look on his face was somber; he said that she wasn't breathing when she was born. They worked on her for ten minutes and her heart started beating. She was intubated but not doing well. She was severely anemic from feto-maternal hemorrhage; simply put - when her body circulated her blood into the placenta, it did not return it, instead the placenta pumped her blood into me. They gave her blood transfusions but her body was not accepting the blood. Her organs were not doing much either. He told me that she might have brain damage because her brain did not get any oxygen during those ten minutes. He told me that he was not in the room because they never went to get him and when they got him, Delilah was already in the NICU being worked on.                                                                                                                            I have since gotten more information, I questioned if my getting pain killers in my IV had anything to do with Delilah getting bad so quickly.  I found out that it was more of my water breaking that caused her to go into distress more.  The doctors told me that because she was already suffering from such blood loss that labor was not very kind to her and she could not handle it.  I've also since learned that after apparently "15 minutes" is the no going back point, your brain is so damaged after that there is no way she would have had the life she was supposed to have, or even much of any life at all if she had lived.

I cried. This beautiful little girl that had been growing inside me, who was kicking away happily just the other day had gotten so injured, so hurt. She was my baby who I was supposed to protect. That night, she was transferred to another hospital and I eventually got transferred as well. When the ambulance came to take her, they brought her by my room; it was the only time that I saw her at the first hospital.

She looked so tiny all strapped into her incubator, so helpless. I wanted to take her out and hold her, to tell her it would be okay. All I managed to do was to hold her hand and admire this beautiful child and wish that I could trade places with her. I felt like it was my fault that this happened to her. Shouldn’t I have known what was happening? Why did the placenta not return her blood? What went wrong? Did I do something? Did it hurt? Was she in pain?

When I arrived at the other hospital, I wanted to go see her but I didn't think to ask to go. I was exhausted and not thinking straight. I decided to wait for my husband to get there first. After visiting with Delilah in the middle of the night, we eventually succumbed to exhaustion and fell asleep in my room.                                                                                                                                                    This is something that I regret, still to this day.  I wish that I has gone straight to her when I arrived at the hospital.  I realized that I was scared, I didn't want to be alone if she had passed away before I got there, I was afraid to see her.  I was afraid if there was a big decision to be made, I would have to make it by myself.  I am ashamed that that I was being so weak.  Medical-wise, the doctors said that she was not in pain and there was no way to see that it was happening, they didn't even know that something was wrong when we showed up in Labor and Delivery.
The doctor woke us a few hours later and I knew it was not good. He said her organs were starting to fail and we should go be with her now. They would set up a room for us. How could this be happening? Our child, Delilah; who we love so much, how could she be leaving us?

I got to hold her for the first and last time. She felt so right in my arms. She was so beautiful: her long eyelashes, heart-shaped face, perfect little hands and feet, my nose and long toes. She was our baby and we did not want to have to say goodbye. I was holding her and to my surprise, she opened her eyes and looked right at me as if to say "Hi, Mom, I love you." Her eyes were only open for a little bit; she was tired and on painkillers. But in that moment we connected and everything was ok. Then she stopped breathing and our world collapsed, we were buried alive in the rubble of her passing.                                                                                                                                                                                 Her doctor was surprised that she opened her eyes.  He mentioned that it might have been her brain firing off all of the energy that was left.  But he said that we never really know how the brain works.  I still want to think that it was Delilah, using the last of herself to create this special moment for us.   I still feel that my life has lost purpose.  Everyday that I come home from work, I sit around and there is nothing to do, nothing, just quietness and a sense of emptiness.  I hate being at home.    

I miss my Delilah so much. Every day spent without her is harsh and painful. I feel like pieces of me are falling away. I cry every day; I just wanted to be her mommy and her to be my baby. The time directly after her passing was dark, filled with sadness, bitterness, regret, and hatred. It's so easy to get caught up in all the things we missed out on; that we only have bits and pieces of fifteen hours. I often times forget that we also had nine beautiful months together; I am grateful for that. I got to know the most loving and beautiful little baby girl ever. Yes, I'm selfish. I wish I had more time but who wouldn't? But on those difficult days, and I've been having a lot of those lately, I have to take comfort in the time we did have. I love my Delilah and she loved me.                                                                                                                  I was so scared of forgetting, everyday I would cry so hard because I was afraid that I would forget how it felt to hold her.  I was so scared that I would forget how she made me feel.  I was afraid that I would forget her because she was only around for such a short period of time.  I have not forgotten, I still miss her, and I still love her, I love her so much.  I don't cry everyday day anymore, I don't even cry once a week now.  I feel so bad about that , I know it's just part of life and it does not mean that I love Delilah any less.  I will love that sweet baby girl until the day I die, and it's okay to miss her, and it is okay to have bad days and good ones.  

My Tangible Peace

 My husband was worried when I told him that I wanted to have a doll made from My Tangible Peace.  He thought that I would lose grip with reality and start treating the statue like it was alive and real.  I told him it's a statue, it would just be like a picture, a 3-D memorial to the beautiful baby girl that our love created.  My Delilah doll came recently, she was adorable.  I cried when I saw her, Jenn the artist did a very good job.  I made her a hat and dress. 

 

 

Day 31

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

In a way.  I feel that since I let myself feel everything, I am already pretty open, my husband on the other hand, I wanted to go through some of the questions with him as I feel it will help him.

Day 30

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
I don't want to attend any family related events.  What's the point?

Day 29

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

I think thast Delilah is in a kind of in between place.  Babies I feel get to come.back and live their lives.  Reincarnation.  Right now I believe that she is watching us.  I think she is in a safe place being cared for along with the other babies and children that had to leave too soon.  they play and laugh. they are happily waiting for their turns to return to us.  I really hope that Delilah will be able to return to us as one of our future babies.  We will see each other again one day.

Day 28

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

I wish I was strong enough to correct people.  The one that I hate the most is: you are young.  You can have another...  so many people have said that add if Delilah did not matter, as if she were replaceable.  She is not.  She will forever be my first born.  My precious sweet darling daughter. once I kinda of said that I wanted her when a co-worker said that I was still young.  She realized how hurtful it was and started apologizing.  

Day 27

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 27: Share a picture.

Day 26

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

I would rate my day a six.  I got all the errands that I wanted to do done. Then this horrible migraine showed up.

Day 25

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

I won't know until next year...

Day 24

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

I have not had any of these happen yet...it's been about 8.5 months.  On her birthday, I think I want to have a mini party on behelf of Delilah.  She is such an important part of my life.  I do not think I want to do anything on her death date, it just makes me so sad. 

Day 23

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I would have taken more pictures while I was pregnant with her.  I would have wanted to stay with Delilah longer after she passed away and not let everyone rush me back to my room.  I needed more time with her. 

Day 22

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
I used to play Hey There Delilah for Delilah when she was still in me.   That song will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Day 21

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
I currently don't have any living children.  I think remembering Delilah inutero when she used to wiggle around and it would look like she was doing the worm or when she was smaller and I would feel something brush against me ever so gentally. 

Day 20

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?

I am angry:

-that we had to say goodbye while there are so many people that don't deserve their children yet they get to keep them.  

-that people are moving on.

-that I failed.

-that we had so little time, that I didn't spend more of it with Delilah.

-that I didn't get to dress Delilah.

Day 19

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

I don't really have any specific memories that make me especially happy.  I was pretty much happy my entire pregnancy, she made me so joyous.  Everyday with Delilah was happy.

The funniest memory was when she kicker her daddy on the cheek when he leaned in close to talk to her. 

I thought she was so awesome too that one time I was driving and an especially beat heavy song from Green Day came on and she kicked away, like: yay!

Day 18

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

Reincarnation.  Maybe, just maybe, Delilah's spirit might come back to us as our next baby.

You're still young...

I work in a Admin building.  Different aspects of the county government are handles at various offies throughout the building.  Sometimes you see people in other offices and then sometimes it'll be months before you see them again.  One woman who always made small talk with me bumped into me infront of the coffee cart.  She goes, so do you have any babies yet?  When are you going to start?
I look at her with my "dead inside face" and tell her I actually had a baby in February, she starts to congratulate me but I interrupt her and tell her that the baby passed away.  She goes, "Oh I'm so sorry, GOD knows though, he has a purpose.  You are still young, you can have another.  How do you feel about that?"
WTF, seriously?  I wanted to tell her that I feel that HER GOD CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.  But I dind't, I just said It makes me feel sad. 
I'm not going to get into the "God" stuff.  But the "You can have another." I've heard it so many time before but I don't know why people think that it's an okay thing to say.  We spent 5 months dreaming, hoping, peeing on sticks.  Then 9 full months building up our dreams.  Researching, decorating, falling in love.  Then to have Delilah taken away like that. 
It insults Delilah when people say that, it makes me feel like I need to cut those people because they disrespected the most beautifully loving person I ever knew. 
How do I make them understand?  Is it like you are so excited to be getting married, you plan your wedding, invite everyone, spend lots of time and money investing on this event that will send you on your journey of happiness.  Then at the alter after you say I do and it's official, your husband keels over and you hold him as he dies for no reason.  They don't know why it happened.  You can always get remarried?

Day 17

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
I'm not sure how much I feel that Delilah watches over us.  I think maybe it might be confusing for me because I'm a bit confused about what to believe.  I believe in reincarnation, that she will come back to us as our next baby.  I think there was an undeniable connection there.  The three sould signed a contract, she'll be back. 
But where is she right now?  In heaven? Limbo, temporary place?  Is she whole, does she feel, or is she just energy and potantion waiting somewhere for her chance to spark again?  Are the images I have of her sitting with other kids and eating a playing some reflection of where she's at?  Does she hear us at night when we say goodnight to her.  Does she see me cry and feel sad too? 
I think I want to believe that she is a floaty spirit in some really nice place.  That she is happy and just waiting for the time to come back to us.  I believe thst she does watch over us, and she does get sad, but maybe my grandparents, my dog and cat are looking out for her, keeping her company until it's time for her to head back to us. 

Day 16

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

No.  I do not want time for myself, nor do I like having time to "relax"  It's horrible.  I have to stay busy and doing something at all times.

Day 15

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

How odd.  A year ago, I never knew this day existed.  It is the saddest day on earth, where so many women mourn and remember their lost babies.  Today I will be lighting a candle at 7:00 pm in rememberance of my Delilah.  I will be joining in the wave of lights this day. 

Sadly, no one else will have any idea what this day is or what it means to so many of us.  Why is infant loss so taboo?

I lit a candle for Delilah outside on her bench in her garden.  I also lit the candle that I light for her every night.

Day 14

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

I've make photo albums and started a scrap book.. I have a memory box.  Her name that was in her room is now in a shadow box in my room on the wall.  

As far as new memories go, I don't really know what to do.  It's difficult.  I started buying cards from her daddy and I.  For special holidays,we write in them to her.  It makes me feel like she is still being included in everything.   

When her birthday comes in February I wasn't sure if I was going to do a small birthday party for her.  

I don't want her forgotten.

Day 13

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you, speak your child's name?

DELILAH!!!  

My husband say Delilah's name all the time.  A few of my friends still use her name and she comes up in conversation.  My sister still says her name.

I'm afraid that as times passes, her name will be spoken less and less.  my beautiful little baby with her beautiful name.

8 Months

Today my beautiful little girl would have been 8 months old.  Delilah would be crawling up a storm, harassing the cats and chasing after her "crawl with me turtle" 
Laughing and giggleing, clapping her hands at the fun.  We would have been having so much fun!
I miss you Delilah, we should not have to be apart like this. 

I feel like time has eased some of the sadness, it is not so heavy but when it resurfaces to pull me under, it's strong.  I don't fight this drowning feeling, I just let it happen, eventually I'll resurface. 

Day 12

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

I'm not sure.  I don't really talk to them that much.  As far as the inlaws go, it feels like they are just writting her off and pretending like she never existed.  This makes me so mad, just because they have "their baby"

As far as my family goes, there is a cloud of sadness that sticks to them now.

Day 11

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

Yes.  While I let myself feel everything I noticed that my husband tries to be brave and hold it in.  He tries to be "brave"  I choose to feel and I don't care who sees me crying. 

Day 10

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
I do not have any Rainbows or other children.  We have not been given the ok to TTC until November.  I do plan on telling all my future kids about Delilah.  She is their big sister, our first born.  Nothing will change that. 

Day 9

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
I do not have any other children.  Delilah is our first child.  I think that her passing has made my relationship stronger with my husband.  There are times when we still fight but I don't hold back anymore.  I tell him and let my feelings explode. 

Day 8

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I think that if I had asked myself this a few months ago, the answer would have been no.  No I feel like I am having more okay days.  I find that I do not cry everyday.  I do think od Delilah everyday but I don't automatically go into the dark place and cry.  I do feel guilty though.  I feel bad that I am starting to have more better days, it's like survivors guilt.

The Green Eyed Monster

I see the Green Eyed Monster lurking around the corner.  I've been pretty good about keeping her away.   That bitch is so mean and cold.  Aldd that monster can do is wallow in her own pain and not be happy for others. 

Why can't I get over it.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for the rainbows.  They give me hope.  I am happy for my family and friends, but I'm so jealous.  Why does everyone get to have their baby but us? 

They all say, you can have another, you'll have yours one day.  Happiness will come.  But that happiness will not be Delilah, not exactly.  My beautiful little baby girl is not resting happily in her crib, she is ashes on the shelf in our room.  Just saying that feeling like I'm being stabbed in the heart.  I feel betrayed.  Why world?  Why?

Day 7

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?

I am so proud my Delilah, she fought so hard to stay with us.  I wanted to do something that made me worthy of her love.  I make baby hats for the NICU.  I also buy little newborn onesies and outfits for the NICU.  I get baby books also donate them to the NICU.

I try to be nice to people.  I try to be deserving of my special little baby girl.

Day 6

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
One, her name was Delilah she was perfect, and I miss her so much.

Day 5

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?

Hummingbirds...  They are small delicatre creatures but they work so very hard to live and be alive.  They remind me of Delilah and a few times when I've gotten sad outdoors, a hummingbird has shown up out of nowhere.  It's like she's sending me signs that she is still here and I should not be so sad. 

Day 4

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Delilah has kept me going.  The thought of her watching me, or her wishing me well.  That one day, just maybe, her little sould will get to return to us and she can be our baby again.  The hope of holding her again, of being able to take her home and raise her, play with her and teach her.  To see her grow into the wonderful person she was destined to become.

Day 3

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My husband has been so strong and supportive durring this difficult time. No only did he physically take care of me as I had left the hospital early, he had been there emotionally. We cried together and shared our memories of Delilah. We shared our dreams and what we thought she would have been like.
For a while, right after the loss, I used to get visions of Delilah in my mind. At first she was propped up against a chair sitting, she would wave at me or yawn. Those visions helped me though a lot of dark times as well. They would give me hope, that my baby was still around in some form, that she would be able to return to be, different but her sweet little sould, full of love and joy.

Day 2

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Her name is Delilah Sage. She was 6 pounds 6 ounces born at 3:56 pm. It was a sunny afternoon full of hope.
She had a stork bite on her forehead. She also had Mongolain spots on her butt which I did not get to see but I read about in her medical report. She had long fingers and shiny nails, so pretty. She had my toes, long and her feet were big. My sweet little Delilah loved to kick, she was a kicker. Delilah was sweet, she exuded happiness and love. It was effervescent. She had a blanch mark on her chest. Her lips were so perfect, my bottom lip and daddy's top lip. She didn't have a lot of hair but enough. So pretty.

Day 1

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
My name is Bonnie, I grew up in the East Bay. I can't complain too much about my childhood, I had parents that provided for me and a great little sister. I met my husband in 2002, but it wasn't until 2004 that we would start dating. We married in 2010 and moved into our own place in 2011. In 2012 I would turn 30 and I knew I wanted to start having babies.
Growing up I was never much of a "dolly" girl, I didn't want to nurture a baby doll or anything. I was into bugs and Ninja Turtles. As I got older, I still never really got into kids, they were not appealing to me and I didn't want one. When I got together with my husband, it was kind of the same thoughts. I didn't want kids, then slowly, maybe. Now, most definatley.
I think my adversion to children came from not feeling loved by my parents and my fear that my own children would not love me. It's scary, definately.
Then I got into dogs and cats. My whole life I've loved animals, and my husband and I adopted an entire brood of them. i used to be pretty close to them, now, not so much.
During the course of my pregnacy, I came to realize though that love between a parent and child is so natural, so strong. I felt her love as she kicked the crap out of my uterus. I love those love taps.
My Delilah has taught me so much, and I am a better person because of her.

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides you, speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

31 years and only 9 months of true happiness

31 years ago today, I cam into this world. 
One year ago, I was happy, I saw a bright future where I would truly have a family and everything would be perfect. 
Today I no longer brimming with joy.  The images of me holding Delilah as I turned 31 are not reality, a shattered image of what should have been.
I didn't want to see my family today but they forced their way over anyway, despite my sister's best efforts.  I'm grateful for my friends and their respect of my need to wallow in my pit of despair. 
When I got up I was mad.  The stupid little dog stole my cinnamon bun.  Then I tried to drown my thought in mindless television, that didn't work, so I went for a drive.  The weird thing is that I ended up at Babys R Us.  I bought some books with the coupon that they had sent me. 
There is me without you.  I feel like I should longer exist because Delilah does not physically exist anymore.  Her perfect little features, those long fingers that used to brush against me.  I love and miss her so much. 
31 years ago, I was born, yes, I feel like I should not exist but without me, there would not be a you either.  You existed, and some how, were conceived from someone as messed up as me.  I love you Delilah. 
Delilah is the reason for living, Delilah and her futuer sisters or brothers, hopefully, all sisters.  31 years all seem wasted, no point to any of it.  Go to school, get an education, get a job, work, work, work, what's the point.  Things no longer appeal to me, family is my goal, to have a beautiful family, work to make them happy, work to provide for them.  I have a purpose now.  

Baby Fever

I see them everywhere and hear all the coos and soft cries.  I dream of fish, that's supposed to mean someone in the family is preggers.  I found out a month or so after I started this post that my cousin is pregnant, she would have conceived around the time I lost my Delilah. 

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed of Delilah, kinda, she was in a spaceship thingy, she was wearing a helmet with a visor.  She was dressed in a white racing suite.  It was like a race of sorts, she was trying to get to the finish to the goal, and doing very well.  Pew pew, blow away the competition. 

I want a baby so badly, but I want Delilah more.  I am afraid that sice my OK to TTC date is approaching and if we do get pregnant right away, I'll be so dissapointed if I don't get my little girl.  I really want a little girl, I need her.  I'm afraid that if I end up having a son I'll resent him. 
What kind of thoughts is that!  What is wrong with me, the right thing to think about is that if I am lucky enough to have a happy healthy baby, it is just that.  Alive and happy and healthy.  I need to get over my craziness.
Maybe I'm not ready.

7 Months

It has been 7 months:

since
that final embrace
that kiss goodbye
I saw those big beautiful eyes for the first and last time
I was happy

of
sadness
tears
emptiness
heartache
sorrow
guilt

of missing
you big feet
your long fingers
you

I love you my sweet daughter, my Delilah.
There was not a day in these past seven months when I did not think of what should have been.
At seven months you would have been able to use a sippy cup.  That's amazing to me, so I went and bought you a sippy cup.  I miss you so much and I wish that I could have saved you.  I wish that things were different.

Things Thats Helped

Certain things really helped me these last few months.  Aside from my wonderful husband, kind family, and great friends; these things helped to make me less sad. 

Daffodil: she is a bunny that my sister helped me pick out.  We then went to the craft store and bought a bunch of poly beads.  We filled Daffodil up and stuffed some fluff in her to create a weighted doll.  Now I hold Daffodil whenever I get sad.  Her sweet eyes remind me of Delilah.  Her sweet face reminds me of Delilah's energy.

Rutabaga:  although I treasure Daffodil, I could not take her everywhere with me.  So instead, I have Rutabaga.  He stays in my purse and I take him everywhere.   When I get sad, I pull him out to hold.

My necklace: my loving coworkers showed up one day aftet Delilah passed away and presented me with a necklace.  On one side it reads "Mother to an Angel" the other side reads het name "Delilah Sage"  When I get sad, I often find myself touching or rubbing my necklace. 

My "Delilah Sage" ring.  My husband got me a ring for Christmas when I was pregnant with Delilah.   It has her name engraved on the inside.  The idea was to wear that instead of my wedding ring so it would not cut her. 

All these things are just stuff but when you feel so blue all the time, it's nice to be able to have something that you can hold and makes you fell a little less sad.

Delilah's Third Wedding

Delilah has attended two weddings.  She was a tiny little one growilng in me at her first wedding.  We drove all the way down to Ontario, CA and my husband had to stop at a bunch of rest stops for me to pee.  I felt to gassy like I needed to burp but couldn't.  But I was happy, because Delilah was there and she was everything. 
The second Wedding was my sister in law, she got knocked up and was having a shot gun wedding...  Delilah was starting to make her presence known then.  I had a bit up a bump, but my dress mostly covered her.  My father inlaw decided to announce to the whole freaking place that we were pregnant.  Thanks a lot. 
This would have been the first wedding that Delilah would have been out for, dressed in a pretty dress, bow in her hair.  I would have been sitting near the back by an isle so we could step out if she cried.  My sweet little girl would have looked so adorable.  She would have kept me company while her daddy was off busy being a groomsman.  I'll be by myself tomorrow.  I volunteered to help with setting up to keep busy, we'll see how that goes.  The brides's friends will be there.  There were two women due around the same time as us.  They will be there with their babies. 
I don't know how I will handle the whole thing, im not in a cheerful wedding mood, not really in a mood to be happy at all.  Life sucks sometimes.  I'm glad that our firendsa re getting married, but I don't want to go, I don't want to get dressed up and pretend to be cheerful.  I don't want to be anything...
I wish that she could be there with me, sitting on my lap, all excited and watching all the people, the pretty lights and decorations, but no.  That will not be the case, at least not physically.  I love you Delilah, I miss you.

Six Months

The last few days have been very rough.  I've spiraled down into a dark abyss.  There is no light just sorrow.  It's three in the morning, the 14th.  How I hate that day.  Yesterday Delilah would have turned six months old.  Rolling and startling to want to crawl!!!  But no. No pampers cruisers or crawl with me turtle.  Just dissapointment.  Dissapointment in myself.  I hate myself.  I should have known.  Should have done better kick counts.  Should have taken labor more seriously.  She tried to tell me something was wrong.  A week before I went into labor I had a weird urge to look up placenta and that thing scared the crap out of me.  Why didn't I understand that she was trying to tell me something.  I hate myself for having failed her.  My beautiful loving little girl.  I hate myself for not being able to protect her.  I hate myself.  I wish that I had died instead.

What's "Normal" When it comes to Death

I've noticed that a lot of the time in old married coupled, when one of them passes away, the ofther one soon follows.  They will appear healthy then suddenly decline and their heart will give out.  A broken heart. 
Possibly it's depression, no desire the thrive, their loved one is gone, the one they spent their whole life with, their partner in crime.  Gone.
In life, we typically experiance our first loss when our grandparents pass away.    Then later we eventually lose our parents.  It is unnatural for a parent to lose a child. 

Theoden: Simbelmyne. Ever has it grown on the tombs of my forebears. Now it shall cover the grave of my son. Alas, that these evil days should be mine. The young perish and the old linger. That I should live to see that last days of my house.
Gandalf: Théodred's death was not of your making.
Theoden: No parent should have to bury their child.
Gandalf: He was strong in life. His spirit will find the way to the halls of your fathers.

Yes Gandalf, everyone says it's not my fault but I can't help but think it is.  It's not normal, my heart is broken, when do I die. 

Dresses

Today was a bad day.  I don't know what specifically set me off but I have been crying most of the day so far.  I decided to force myself out of the house.  I knew where I was headed and really hoped that I would not end up crying there as well.  I went to Babies R Us.  I bought four beautiful newborn size dresses and some head bands.  These are gonna be donated to the NICU.  I want the other parents to be able to hold their little angels when they are all dresses up.  So they can be beutiful for their parents when they see them in the hospital for the last and sometimes first time.   A lot of the time things are so chaotic we don't remember to bring an outfit for then or its so unexpected.  Delilah would have loved these little dresses.   And now they can be her gift to the other baby girls that are going to join her.   They can play together in their pretty dresses until they return to us. 

Flowers

Today I bought flowers at the farmers market like I do every Friday for Delilah.   I was asked once before, what are the flowers for?  I told the co-worker:  They are for Delilah.  She muttered an uncomfortable "oh" and that was it.

Today another co-worker asked today and I answered in the same way.  Instead of responding with any gesture or anyrhing she sped walked away.  WTF.  This woman pretended to be all interested when I was pregnant and everything was all happy.  Fuck that bitch.  Screw her and her stupid self.  I'm so tired of this shit.   There are so many things that piss me off now.  She is one of them.

Last year...

Yesterday my dad turned 59.  Last year on his birthday he was so happy when I told him that he was going to be a grandpa.  This year I sit at his birthday dinner without his grand daughter in my arms.  I realized after dinner on the way home that I hate family get togethers.  It reminds me that I failed.  I failed to safely bring my precious daughter into this world.  My beuatiful little Delilah is not here in my arms like she should be.  I am a failure.  Lately I can't get my mind off of her final moments.  How she tried so hard. She was tough and determined to give us what ever time she could manage.   The ultra sound technician said that she was stubborn when she refused to move out of the way so he could get a clear picture of the placenta.  I had a partial previa at the beginning of the pregnacy.  Who knew that would be the evil lurking monster around the corner.  The girl is stubborn.  Hopefully her stubborness will pay off and she'll get to come back as my next child.  I live for you Delilah.   I love you. 

My Fellow Responsible People

It is scary and alarming.  My fellow responsible people, we are waiting too long!!!  Look around you, on BART on the streets, in the malls, all these kids and otherwise trashy people are populating the Earth.  Guess what ladies, when we hit 35 our chances of getting pregnant drastically drop!  We have good jobs and places to live, we are doing good in the world.  Make babies people!  It is our responsibility to the world to produce responsible offspring.  Who else is gonna take over the government?  Come one folks.

The hiccips

My Sweet Delilah,
The first time I noticed it I had to look it up online to make sure it was normal.  You were hiccupping.  A bunch of tiny thuds inside my uterus.  I felt bad for you because I know I do not like getting the hiccups; you would get them all the time.
One time I was trying to do a kick count and there you went.  I miss you hiccuping.  I miss you.

Babies

I went out today to a few stores by Home Depot.  Things were going well.  I did wander into the baby section but nothing managed to tip the cup.  Then I saw her.  A brand new baby girl.  Her mommy was busy looking at shoes.  I wanted to take her baby.  I wanted to hold her and play with her and close my eyes and pretend that that baby was Delilah.  I turn down the isle and left.  Then I came home and cried.
After feeling sorry for myself I managed a pep talk and ended up in the garage.  I got out the jig saw and cut the wood for her shelves.  Then I sanded the edges and painted them.  I did good Delilah.  Your room will finally have shelves for all the books that you've accumulated.  I love you Delilah.

5 Months

Today she would have been 5 months old.  And I miss her so much.  Some might question how i can miss her so much when she was only alive for fifteen hours.  I miss the way she made me feel; I felt so happy and at peace.  I was so happy with Delilah.  I miss what could have been what should have been.  Our family.  The three of us happily staying home together and being so content.  I love my Delilah.  
Today I delided to make a statue to keep my hands busy and create something to express my hopes and dreams.

Things we wish we did

I was in Delilah's room the other day. I go in there often to touch her things and think about her.  I miss her so much.  I see her growing collection of books, books that I had only started buying after I lost her. 
They make me think of all the things that I wish we had done.   I wish that I had talked to her more when she was still in my uterus.  I wish we had read to her.  That my husband had spent more time with his hand on my tummy talking to her instead of watching car videos on his phone.  I wish we had interacted with her more. 
We did take some time every week though to take a belly photo.  That was something my husband wanted to do and I'm so grateful to him for that.  I had also wanted to take some of those cute couple photos while pregnant.  Where mom and dad made a heart shape with their hand over the baby bump.  Where dad held mom and looked so proud of his growing little one.  I had bugged him a bunch of times toward the end of the pregnacy.  Everytime he was tired or he needed a hair cut.  We never did take those photos. 
Regret is something that sits heavily on your chest when you lose your baby.  All the what ifs but this post is mot about that.  I realized that despite all the things that I wish I had done with Delilah on board and by my side, we did do a lot. 
We attended two weddings, test drove a car, changed departments at work.  We found a yummy new restaurant thanks to a Belgium waffle craving.  We saw a giant cinnamon roll.  We put together her glider.  I was sad that I never gpt to hold her and rock her on it; but, I realized that I did.  We rocked on it for a little bit after we put it together.
It's so easy to get caught up in all the things we missed out on.  That we only have bits and pieces of fifteen hours.  I often times forget that we also had nine beautiful months together.  I am grateful for that.  I got to know the most loving and beautiful little baby girl ever.  Yes, I'm selfish.  I wish I had more time but who wouldn't.  Bit on those difficult days, I've been having a lot of those lately, I have to take comfort in the time we did have.  I love my Delilah and she loved me.

Lost

Lately it feels like I'm caught in a rip tide.  I was wading around in life and then this undercurrent shows up and drags me under.  I am being pulled from the shore, and it's getting further and further away.

On Friday I took Delilah's name off the wall in her room, I've know that it had to be done at some point but the act of actually doing it hit me like a sledge hammer.  I ended up putting her name in a shadow box in our room.  It was my husband's idea, he said then we can see her pretty name in our room and it'll still be up somewhere.  Removing her name was so hard, it was like taking her away.  But now her name sits in a shadow bow in my room, with all the birds and flowers and butterflies that embellished each letter.

My husband also had me move her urn to our bedroom.  It was strange the way he suggested it.  I kinda heard his dad's voice behind the suggestion.  That it was strange for people to see when they come over.  Shit, I don't know where people keep urns, why can't she be in the living room mantle?  Why is it weird, why do I care what other people think?  I'm sad everyday of my life.  And seeing her there with me makes me feel less lonely.

Lonely, my husband is away with one of his good friends.  It's the guy's "Bachelor Weekend" I'm glad my husband gets to get away and be happy for a bit but I miss him.  While I was pregnant with Delilah,  it was always "us, we" I was a team, I was never alone, after I lost Delilah, I attached myself to my husband, and get so lonely when he is not home.  I can hardly even leave the house.  I just want to stay in and sleep and not do anything all day.

Dammit, I'm mad at this world.  Why did Delilah have to be taken from me, I love her so much, I miss her so much.  This is completely unfair.

Work Baby Shower

Last week I went to the party store and bought decorations for my coworkers "welcome back to work baby shower."  They had their Rainbow last month.  When the found out that we had lost our baby they can and visited with us.  They held us and cried with us.  They are good people so I wanted to help them feel special and let them know how happy we are for them.  I decorated his cubicle and planned his party.  Today when he got back to work I congratulated him and smiled and asked questions.  I enjoyed hearing about the hijinks and stuff but then I got really sad.  It was overwhelming and hard to handle.  I excused myself and went back to my desk to cry.  I am so happy for them, trully I am.  But I can't help but be sad. 

Were you there? Was it a sign?

Yesterday I went to one of my best friend's house warming party.  It occurred to me that this would have been the first time that I would have taken Delilah out anywhere by myself.  I was dreading going,

I don't like to be without my husband nowadays, it feels so lonely, for nine months, I had Delilah by my side.  

I was also dreading the pretending to be happy and smiling, it's always difficult.  At the party, I tried to keep occupied by helping out.  By my thoughts wandered.

I thought about how it was such a hot day, would I have had her in her Ergo Baby carrier?  That would have been very warm, too warm, sticky baby and sticky momma.  Maybe the Maya Baby Carrier?  No that would have been the same thing.  Sticky.  Then I though I could have been just carrying her around?  No, maybe bring her her car seat in?  Or the mini bassinet  thing that attached to her play pen.

I kept thinking about about my darling baby and how she would have been so excited seeing everyone.  She was growing inside me the last time I saw these people.  I was getting pretty sad then I saw this humming bird fly through the sky toward the peach tree in the yard.  Humming birds have been symbolic of Delilah to me ever since she passed away.  It was like she was telling me that she was there and it would be okay.

The thing that really struck me was when I was driving home, I was headed down the street and I saw it, one of the side streets, it had the same name that my husband and I had decided would be Delilah's new name when she came back to us.  It was a sign.  My baby will return us.  I love you baby.

7 Signs Your Baby Loves You...

Today I got one of those automated emails from babycenter.com.  The headline was "7 Signs Your Baby Loves You"
At first I got a little sad, I don't have Delilah physically with me... no signs.  But then I thought to myself, of course she loves me.  My Delilah fought so hard and she  was so resiliant.  We were separated for most of the time she was alive, there were so many times when we could have lost her.  So many times where I would have missed out on the gift it was to be able to cold her and cuddle her to offer her confort and love. 

1.  When Delilah was born, she was not breathing, she coded in the ER right after they got her out of me.  She was not breathing for almost ten minutes but she showed other signs of life which prompted the Pediatrics team to not give up on her, they eventually got a heartbeat.  My baby loves me so much she forced her heart to work for me. 

2.  When I was still under general anesthesia  she could have slipped away, she was severly anemic and not clotting, she was bleeding out everything that was going in through transfusion.  Delilah managed to stabilize herself, somehow with the help of the doctors she managed to "start to do a little better"  My baby loves me so much managed to give me hope despite her not being in the best of health.

3.  When she was transferred to Oakland Kaiser we were separated for many hours and she was by herself and alone.  She could have slipped away at any point.  My baby loves me so much she stayed alive when she was all by herself. 

4.  I got to see her for a minute or two when she was being transferred out of the Walnut Creek hospital.  But that was all too brief.  When I got to the Oakland Hospital I was all alone as my husband had not gotten there yet.  I wanted to go see her but my mind was going crazy, I could not think and the nurse was doing intake on me.  It was a few hours before I got to go see her for some quality time.  When I got to go see her, I got to tough her and talk to her.  My baby loves me so much that she waited for me and made me feel such joy and love when we were together.

5.  After the long day we had, we were both extremely tired, I was exhausted from being in labor from 6 that morning, the painkiller and my surgery. We were exhaused but I was afraid to leave her side. The nurses told us she should be okay and that we should go get some rest. My baby loves me so much that she let us rest a little before the most difficult moment of our lives. 

6.  At like 6 in the morning, the doctor came to get us, he said that she was not doing so well anymore and would probably slip away soon. When we got downstairs to hold her, she opened her eyes, and we met each other and saw each other for the first and only time. My baby loves me so much that she gifted me with getting to look into her soul.

7.  My baby loves me so much because she is my baby.  I carried her for nine months and she filled my life with happiness and love.  I felt joy and life was beautiful.  Thank you for loving me Delilah, I hope you know how much I love you too.