Day 31

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

In a way.  I feel that since I let myself feel everything, I am already pretty open, my husband on the other hand, I wanted to go through some of the questions with him as I feel it will help him.

Day 30

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
I don't want to attend any family related events.  What's the point?

Day 29

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

I think thast Delilah is in a kind of in between place.  Babies I feel get to come.back and live their lives.  Reincarnation.  Right now I believe that she is watching us.  I think she is in a safe place being cared for along with the other babies and children that had to leave too soon.  they play and laugh. they are happily waiting for their turns to return to us.  I really hope that Delilah will be able to return to us as one of our future babies.  We will see each other again one day.

Day 28

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

I wish I was strong enough to correct people.  The one that I hate the most is: you are young.  You can have another...  so many people have said that add if Delilah did not matter, as if she were replaceable.  She is not.  She will forever be my first born.  My precious sweet darling daughter. once I kinda of said that I wanted her when a co-worker said that I was still young.  She realized how hurtful it was and started apologizing.  

Day 27

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 27: Share a picture.

Day 26

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?

I would rate my day a six.  I got all the errands that I wanted to do done. Then this horrible migraine showed up.

Day 25

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

I won't know until next year...

Day 24

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

I have not had any of these happen yet...it's been about 8.5 months.  On her birthday, I think I want to have a mini party on behelf of Delilah.  She is such an important part of my life.  I do not think I want to do anything on her death date, it just makes me so sad. 

Day 23

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
I would have taken more pictures while I was pregnant with her.  I would have wanted to stay with Delilah longer after she passed away and not let everyone rush me back to my room.  I needed more time with her. 

Day 22

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
I used to play Hey There Delilah for Delilah when she was still in me.   That song will always hold a special place in my heart. 

Day 21

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
I currently don't have any living children.  I think remembering Delilah inutero when she used to wiggle around and it would look like she was doing the worm or when she was smaller and I would feel something brush against me ever so gentally. 

Day 20

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?

I am angry:

-that we had to say goodbye while there are so many people that don't deserve their children yet they get to keep them.  

-that people are moving on.

-that I failed.

-that we had so little time, that I didn't spend more of it with Delilah.

-that I didn't get to dress Delilah.

Day 19

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

I don't really have any specific memories that make me especially happy.  I was pretty much happy my entire pregnancy, she made me so joyous.  Everyday with Delilah was happy.

The funniest memory was when she kicker her daddy on the cheek when he leaned in close to talk to her. 

I thought she was so awesome too that one time I was driving and an especially beat heavy song from Green Day came on and she kicked away, like: yay!

Day 18

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?

Reincarnation.  Maybe, just maybe, Delilah's spirit might come back to us as our next baby.

You're still young...

I work in a Admin building.  Different aspects of the county government are handles at various offies throughout the building.  Sometimes you see people in other offices and then sometimes it'll be months before you see them again.  One woman who always made small talk with me bumped into me infront of the coffee cart.  She goes, so do you have any babies yet?  When are you going to start?
I look at her with my "dead inside face" and tell her I actually had a baby in February, she starts to congratulate me but I interrupt her and tell her that the baby passed away.  She goes, "Oh I'm so sorry, GOD knows though, he has a purpose.  You are still young, you can have another.  How do you feel about that?"
WTF, seriously?  I wanted to tell her that I feel that HER GOD CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF.  But I dind't, I just said It makes me feel sad. 
I'm not going to get into the "God" stuff.  But the "You can have another." I've heard it so many time before but I don't know why people think that it's an okay thing to say.  We spent 5 months dreaming, hoping, peeing on sticks.  Then 9 full months building up our dreams.  Researching, decorating, falling in love.  Then to have Delilah taken away like that. 
It insults Delilah when people say that, it makes me feel like I need to cut those people because they disrespected the most beautifully loving person I ever knew. 
How do I make them understand?  Is it like you are so excited to be getting married, you plan your wedding, invite everyone, spend lots of time and money investing on this event that will send you on your journey of happiness.  Then at the alter after you say I do and it's official, your husband keels over and you hold him as he dies for no reason.  They don't know why it happened.  You can always get remarried?

Day 17

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
I'm not sure how much I feel that Delilah watches over us.  I think maybe it might be confusing for me because I'm a bit confused about what to believe.  I believe in reincarnation, that she will come back to us as our next baby.  I think there was an undeniable connection there.  The three sould signed a contract, she'll be back. 
But where is she right now?  In heaven? Limbo, temporary place?  Is she whole, does she feel, or is she just energy and potantion waiting somewhere for her chance to spark again?  Are the images I have of her sitting with other kids and eating a playing some reflection of where she's at?  Does she hear us at night when we say goodnight to her.  Does she see me cry and feel sad too? 
I think I want to believe that she is a floaty spirit in some really nice place.  That she is happy and just waiting for the time to come back to us.  I believe thst she does watch over us, and she does get sad, but maybe my grandparents, my dog and cat are looking out for her, keeping her company until it's time for her to head back to us. 

Day 16

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?

No.  I do not want time for myself, nor do I like having time to "relax"  It's horrible.  I have to stay busy and doing something at all times.

Day 15

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

How odd.  A year ago, I never knew this day existed.  It is the saddest day on earth, where so many women mourn and remember their lost babies.  Today I will be lighting a candle at 7:00 pm in rememberance of my Delilah.  I will be joining in the wave of lights this day. 

Sadly, no one else will have any idea what this day is or what it means to so many of us.  Why is infant loss so taboo?

I lit a candle for Delilah outside on her bench in her garden.  I also lit the candle that I light for her every night.

Day 14

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.

I've make photo albums and started a scrap book.. I have a memory box.  Her name that was in her room is now in a shadow box in my room on the wall.  

As far as new memories go, I don't really know what to do.  It's difficult.  I started buying cards from her daddy and I.  For special holidays,we write in them to her.  It makes me feel like she is still being included in everything.   

When her birthday comes in February I wasn't sure if I was going to do a small birthday party for her.  

I don't want her forgotten.

Day 13

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 13: Does anyone else besides you, speak your child's name?

DELILAH!!!  

My husband say Delilah's name all the time.  A few of my friends still use her name and she comes up in conversation.  My sister still says her name.

I'm afraid that as times passes, her name will be spoken less and less.  my beautiful little baby with her beautiful name.

8 Months

Today my beautiful little girl would have been 8 months old.  Delilah would be crawling up a storm, harassing the cats and chasing after her "crawl with me turtle" 
Laughing and giggleing, clapping her hands at the fun.  We would have been having so much fun!
I miss you Delilah, we should not have to be apart like this. 

I feel like time has eased some of the sadness, it is not so heavy but when it resurfaces to pull me under, it's strong.  I don't fight this drowning feeling, I just let it happen, eventually I'll resurface. 

Day 12

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

I'm not sure.  I don't really talk to them that much.  As far as the inlaws go, it feels like they are just writting her off and pretending like she never existed.  This makes me so mad, just because they have "their baby"

As far as my family goes, there is a cloud of sadness that sticks to them now.

Day 11

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

Yes.  While I let myself feel everything I noticed that my husband tries to be brave and hold it in.  He tries to be "brave"  I choose to feel and I don't care who sees me crying. 

Day 10

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
I do not have any Rainbows or other children.  We have not been given the ok to TTC until November.  I do plan on telling all my future kids about Delilah.  She is their big sister, our first born.  Nothing will change that. 

Day 9

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
I do not have any other children.  Delilah is our first child.  I think that her passing has made my relationship stronger with my husband.  There are times when we still fight but I don't hold back anymore.  I tell him and let my feelings explode. 

Day 8

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I think that if I had asked myself this a few months ago, the answer would have been no.  No I feel like I am having more okay days.  I find that I do not cry everyday.  I do think od Delilah everyday but I don't automatically go into the dark place and cry.  I do feel guilty though.  I feel bad that I am starting to have more better days, it's like survivors guilt.

The Green Eyed Monster

I see the Green Eyed Monster lurking around the corner.  I've been pretty good about keeping her away.   That bitch is so mean and cold.  Aldd that monster can do is wallow in her own pain and not be happy for others. 

Why can't I get over it.  Don't get me wrong, I am happy for the rainbows.  They give me hope.  I am happy for my family and friends, but I'm so jealous.  Why does everyone get to have their baby but us? 

They all say, you can have another, you'll have yours one day.  Happiness will come.  But that happiness will not be Delilah, not exactly.  My beautiful little baby girl is not resting happily in her crib, she is ashes on the shelf in our room.  Just saying that feeling like I'm being stabbed in the heart.  I feel betrayed.  Why world?  Why?

Day 7

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?

I am so proud my Delilah, she fought so hard to stay with us.  I wanted to do something that made me worthy of her love.  I make baby hats for the NICU.  I also buy little newborn onesies and outfits for the NICU.  I get baby books also donate them to the NICU.

I try to be nice to people.  I try to be deserving of my special little baby girl.

Day 6

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
One, her name was Delilah she was perfect, and I miss her so much.

Day 5

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?

Hummingbirds...  They are small delicatre creatures but they work so very hard to live and be alive.  They remind me of Delilah and a few times when I've gotten sad outdoors, a hummingbird has shown up out of nowhere.  It's like she's sending me signs that she is still here and I should not be so sad. 

Day 4

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?

Delilah has kept me going.  The thought of her watching me, or her wishing me well.  That one day, just maybe, her little sould will get to return to us and she can be our baby again.  The hope of holding her again, of being able to take her home and raise her, play with her and teach her.  To see her grow into the wonderful person she was destined to become.

Day 3

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
My husband has been so strong and supportive durring this difficult time. No only did he physically take care of me as I had left the hospital early, he had been there emotionally. We cried together and shared our memories of Delilah. We shared our dreams and what we thought she would have been like.
For a while, right after the loss, I used to get visions of Delilah in my mind. At first she was propped up against a chair sitting, she would wave at me or yawn. Those visions helped me though a lot of dark times as well. They would give me hope, that my baby was still around in some form, that she would be able to return to be, different but her sweet little sould, full of love and joy.

Day 2

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Her name is Delilah Sage. She was 6 pounds 6 ounces born at 3:56 pm. It was a sunny afternoon full of hope.
She had a stork bite on her forehead. She also had Mongolain spots on her butt which I did not get to see but I read about in her medical report. She had long fingers and shiny nails, so pretty. She had my toes, long and her feet were big. My sweet little Delilah loved to kick, she was a kicker. Delilah was sweet, she exuded happiness and love. It was effervescent. She had a blanch mark on her chest. Her lips were so perfect, my bottom lip and daddy's top lip. She didn't have a lot of hair but enough. So pretty.

Day 1

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
My name is Bonnie, I grew up in the East Bay. I can't complain too much about my childhood, I had parents that provided for me and a great little sister. I met my husband in 2002, but it wasn't until 2004 that we would start dating. We married in 2010 and moved into our own place in 2011. In 2012 I would turn 30 and I knew I wanted to start having babies.
Growing up I was never much of a "dolly" girl, I didn't want to nurture a baby doll or anything. I was into bugs and Ninja Turtles. As I got older, I still never really got into kids, they were not appealing to me and I didn't want one. When I got together with my husband, it was kind of the same thoughts. I didn't want kids, then slowly, maybe. Now, most definatley.
I think my adversion to children came from not feeling loved by my parents and my fear that my own children would not love me. It's scary, definately.
Then I got into dogs and cats. My whole life I've loved animals, and my husband and I adopted an entire brood of them. i used to be pretty close to them, now, not so much.
During the course of my pregnacy, I came to realize though that love between a parent and child is so natural, so strong. I felt her love as she kicked the crap out of my uterus. I love those love taps.
My Delilah has taught me so much, and I am a better person because of her.