It's Easter today. I had plans to dress my Delilah up and get her a bunny plush. I made her a hat. I miss her so much.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Saturday, March 30, 2013
To see you...
Aside from the guilt from not being to save my precious baby girl, I was stuck on not being able to spend more time with her, to look at her, examine her feet and fingers.
When she was born, she was taken out of me through emergency c-section. After my water broke, they lost her heart beat. There was no time for an epidural so I was put under with general anesthesia. I woke and she was not there, my little partner was not with me and when I asked the nurse about her, I was told that the doctor would update me on her status. I was freaked out and started crying.
When my husband showed up he told me that she was alive but not doing well, she wasn't breathing but they managed to resuscitate her after 15 minutes. They said she might have brain damage. In order to try to stop the brain damage she was transferred to Oakland from Walnut Creek. I didn't get to see her until 5 hours after she was born, right before they transferred her to Oakland.
I was supposed to be transferred with her but it wasn't until 1 am that I got to the Oakland facility. When I got checked in and set up in my room I asked the nurse about seeing my daughter. My husband wasn't there yet. She gave me a phone number to call but I was afraid to call. It wasn't until 3 am that I got to go see my baby. She was in the incubator, had tubes everywhere. The NICU nurses told us she was doing a little better. We were told that we can go rest and see her in the morning.
We were exhausted so we fell asleep crying, we were woken by the doctor, he said she was not doing so well, that her organs were starting to fail. He said he would have a room set up for us to say goodbye. It was around 6 in the morning, the nursed picked her up and placed her in my arms. She felt so right in my arms. I smelled her head, I kissed her forehead. I told her I loved her and that it was okay. Delilah opened her eyes and looked up at me, we connected, looked into each others soul. It was the first time, the last time.
She was so brave, she fought and stayed alive so that we would have that time together. She passed a little after that. I held her, I didn't want to let go. My parents tried to make me put her down, I didn't want to. I eventually let the nurses take her and put her back in the incubator. I went numb after that, it was hard to concentrate.
I think the nurse said that they would bathe her and something else. At some point a nurse came to tell us she was ready and we could see her without all the tubes and monitors. My family didn't tell me, everyone was trying to shield me. I wanted to go see my baby again but I wasn't given the chance. My husband got me released from the hospital that night.
I didn't want to leave my baby there, I wanted to see her again, she was so perfect, so beautiful. I wish I got to see her more. I wanted to examine her birthmark, hold her little fingers and toes. I wanted to stroke her hair, touch her perfectly delicate jaw line. I miss her so much, she was my perfect little girl.
When she was born, she was taken out of me through emergency c-section. After my water broke, they lost her heart beat. There was no time for an epidural so I was put under with general anesthesia. I woke and she was not there, my little partner was not with me and when I asked the nurse about her, I was told that the doctor would update me on her status. I was freaked out and started crying.
When my husband showed up he told me that she was alive but not doing well, she wasn't breathing but they managed to resuscitate her after 15 minutes. They said she might have brain damage. In order to try to stop the brain damage she was transferred to Oakland from Walnut Creek. I didn't get to see her until 5 hours after she was born, right before they transferred her to Oakland.
I was supposed to be transferred with her but it wasn't until 1 am that I got to the Oakland facility. When I got checked in and set up in my room I asked the nurse about seeing my daughter. My husband wasn't there yet. She gave me a phone number to call but I was afraid to call. It wasn't until 3 am that I got to go see my baby. She was in the incubator, had tubes everywhere. The NICU nurses told us she was doing a little better. We were told that we can go rest and see her in the morning.
We were exhausted so we fell asleep crying, we were woken by the doctor, he said she was not doing so well, that her organs were starting to fail. He said he would have a room set up for us to say goodbye. It was around 6 in the morning, the nursed picked her up and placed her in my arms. She felt so right in my arms. I smelled her head, I kissed her forehead. I told her I loved her and that it was okay. Delilah opened her eyes and looked up at me, we connected, looked into each others soul. It was the first time, the last time.
She was so brave, she fought and stayed alive so that we would have that time together. She passed a little after that. I held her, I didn't want to let go. My parents tried to make me put her down, I didn't want to. I eventually let the nurses take her and put her back in the incubator. I went numb after that, it was hard to concentrate.
I think the nurse said that they would bathe her and something else. At some point a nurse came to tell us she was ready and we could see her without all the tubes and monitors. My family didn't tell me, everyone was trying to shield me. I wanted to go see my baby again but I wasn't given the chance. My husband got me released from the hospital that night.
I didn't want to leave my baby there, I wanted to see her again, she was so perfect, so beautiful. I wish I got to see her more. I wanted to examine her birthmark, hold her little fingers and toes. I wanted to stroke her hair, touch her perfectly delicate jaw line. I miss her so much, she was my perfect little girl.
Friday, March 29, 2013
How are you doing?
I thought I was doing well today. I kept busy. I created a blog, wrote about Delilah. I got teary eyed but I managed to to mostly be okay. I crocheted a bunch of baby hats for the NICU.
Then I saw a friend just had his baby girl on Facebook. I thouht thatbi was happy for them but then I broke. I got sad then angry. I got mad that everyone had their babies except me. I even took it out on my husband who's been nothing but nice. I got angry, I wanted to destroy things, smash things.
Then I got angry at myself again. What if... if only I did this... Then I cried and now I'm numb. I just want to hold my baby.
Then I saw a friend just had his baby girl on Facebook. I thouht thatbi was happy for them but then I broke. I got sad then angry. I got mad that everyone had their babies except me. I even took it out on my husband who's been nothing but nice. I got angry, I wanted to destroy things, smash things.
Then I got angry at myself again. What if... if only I did this... Then I cried and now I'm numb. I just want to hold my baby.
Congrats to you...
My husband's cousin just had her baby girl yesterday, I am happy for her. The baby is in the NICU though, I hope that she recovers and gets better so that family can go home and be happy together.
My husband's friend also just had their baby, a happy healthy baby girl.
All these baby girls. I hope that next time I'll get to go home with my happy healthy baby girl. I miss her so much.
My husband's friend also just had their baby, a happy healthy baby girl.
All these baby girls. I hope that next time I'll get to go home with my happy healthy baby girl. I miss her so much.
Valentines Baby
February 13, 2013 was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I went into labor and my daughter Delilah Sage was supposed to be born. I had been looking forward to meeting her for nine months, enjoying her constant company, her little jabs and kicks. She made life better, everything tasted better and I was mellowed out, I wasn't angry all the time, I was happy.
Sadly, that day didn't go as planned. I went into labor early in the morning, it hurt like hell but at the end of the pain, my baby girl would be waiting. When we got to the hospital, they said her heartbeat was sporadic, I got worried but the pain was so much that I had a hard time concentrating. When my water broke, I was rushed to receive an emergency c-section. Delilah was born but she was not breathing. They managed to resuscitate her but she was severely anemic from Feto-Maternal Transfusion. Some how, the placenta had reversed flow and put her blood back into me.
My baby girl was given multiple blood transfusions. But she was not responding and her organs were starting to fail. The morning after she was born, the doctor told us to be prepared, he would set up a room for us, she was starting to slip away. I held her, and she felt so right in my arms. I used to be afraid of holding babies but holding her felt so natural, she was my baby and I loved her, I didn't want to have to say god bye. When I was holding her she managed to open her eyes and look up at me, she had big beautiful dark eyes. They were only open for a little bit but I will never forget the way I felt looking into my daughter's eyes.
I kissed her on her forehead and told her I loved her, I told her it was okay, that I would always love her. She passed away shortly after. I love you Delilah, you are the best thing that I was ever a part of.
Me
My name is Bonnie, I am 30 years old, married to my loving husband and this year I was supposed to become a mommy. Her name was Delilah Sage and she was born full tern at 40 weeks and 4 days. She was a beautiful little girl, 6 pounds and 6 ounces, she was perfect. She had my nose and big eyes like her daddy. Her upper lip was like hers dads while her lower lip was like mine. She had my long toes. I carried her for nine months and every single one of those days I fell in love with her more. The morning after she was born, we had to say goodbye. Our darling daughter passed away in in arms.
I don't know what to do now, I miss my baby so much and I just want to hold her again and show her how mmuch I love her.
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