Aside from the guilt from not being to save my precious baby girl, I was stuck on not being able to spend more time with her, to look at her, examine her feet and fingers.
When she was born, she was taken out of me through emergency c-section. After my water broke, they lost her heart beat. There was no time for an epidural so I was put under with general anesthesia. I woke and she was not there, my little partner was not with me and when I asked the nurse about her, I was told that the doctor would update me on her status. I was freaked out and started crying.
When my husband showed up he told me that she was alive but not doing well, she wasn't breathing but they managed to resuscitate her after 15 minutes. They said she might have brain damage. In order to try to stop the brain damage she was transferred to Oakland from Walnut Creek. I didn't get to see her until 5 hours after she was born, right before they transferred her to Oakland.
I was supposed to be transferred with her but it wasn't until 1 am that I got to the Oakland facility. When I got checked in and set up in my room I asked the nurse about seeing my daughter. My husband wasn't there yet. She gave me a phone number to call but I was afraid to call. It wasn't until 3 am that I got to go see my baby. She was in the incubator, had tubes everywhere. The NICU nurses told us she was doing a little better. We were told that we can go rest and see her in the morning.
We were exhausted so we fell asleep crying, we were woken by the doctor, he said she was not doing so well, that her organs were starting to fail. He said he would have a room set up for us to say goodbye. It was around 6 in the morning, the nursed picked her up and placed her in my arms. She felt so right in my arms. I smelled her head, I kissed her forehead. I told her I loved her and that it was okay. Delilah opened her eyes and looked up at me, we connected, looked into each others soul. It was the first time, the last time.
She was so brave, she fought and stayed alive so that we would have that time together. She passed a little after that. I held her, I didn't want to let go. My parents tried to make me put her down, I didn't want to. I eventually let the nurses take her and put her back in the incubator. I went numb after that, it was hard to concentrate.
I think the nurse said that they would bathe her and something else. At some point a nurse came to tell us she was ready and we could see her without all the tubes and monitors. My family didn't tell me, everyone was trying to shield me. I wanted to go see my baby again but I wasn't given the chance. My husband got me released from the hospital that night.
I didn't want to leave my baby there, I wanted to see her again, she was so perfect, so beautiful. I wish I got to see her more. I wanted to examine her birthmark, hold her little fingers and toes. I wanted to stroke her hair, touch her perfectly delicate jaw line. I miss her so much, she was my perfect little girl.
No comments:
Post a Comment