Back in 2012, when I was living in my blissful happy bubble of sweet ignorance, I bought some slippers to wear at the hospital after I delivered Delilah. They looked so warm and cozy and I was so excited to wear my brand new slippers after I delivered her. I packed them in my overnight bag and they waited for me until Delilah was ready to be born.
I never go to wear those slippers. That day when Delilah was born then we watched as she slipped away the following morning. When we got home, my overnight bag sat for a while, and eventually I decided to put the stuff away. When I got to the slippers, I could not find it in my heart to unpack them. Despite my current slippers at the time being in shambles, I felt that I did not deserve to wear those new slippers, the ones that were imbued with my dreams.
So they sat in that overnight bag for about two years. They waited patiently until my Rainbow Ollie was born. And stupidly, those slippers held some kind of power subconsciously in my head. Like a reward for finally getting there. And you know what, they were not comfortable at all, the soles were not so good for the hospital floor and they were stiff.
I had waited so long to wear those dang slippers and they were disappointing. But guess what? They were just slippers. I had my rainbow, and he was awesome. He brought so much joy and hope, so much light back into my life. I did continue to wear those slippers, and in almost nine months, I wore them out. The lining is torn and padding smashed. I bought a new pair but why am I having such a hard time throwing these out.
They did not magically make everything better. They can't teleport me back in time and save Delilah. But that is it, in a way, they remind me of Delilah. How things don't go as planned but most importantly, they brought me to when I was just happily pregnant with my little girl.
They are just slippers right? I have the memories and emotions in my heart. So why can't I let them go. Grief, so freaking irrational.
