What's in a name?

Well, if you ask the stupid men in my life, apparently everything.  Delilah was given both mine and my husband's last name, it was hyphenated like mine is.  I planned on doing the same with all the kids.  So why does my idiot father tell my husband that we don't have to use my last name for "Groot"?

So many things wrong with that conversation. 
1.  It's my damn last name, it just so happens that I got it from you dad...
2.  It's my baby, I'll give him whatever last name I freaking please, I do not need your permission. 
3.  Darling husband, haven't you noticed that all the men in your family have shitty luck, yea, no, my son will not just have your last name and be cursed like every male in your family. 
4.  Yes, his name will be crazy long but who's fault is that?  My three letters does not add that much more letters to your eight!
5.  In this world, there is still prejudice and racism,  professionally, with my last name, our son is more likely to get a second look at his resume or college application. 
6.  I'm sick of this "tradition shit"  just cuz I am a woman I am property and must take my husband's name?  Branded like cattle and all my offspring will receive the same name?   
7.  This crap pisses me off, some times I think we should just pick another last name or take some letters from mine and some letters from his and make our own. 

So stupid, I have better things to worry about.

Thanksgiving 2014

It's amazing how much a year can change you.  Last year I was bitter, but still grateful for the time I had with my sweet little girl.  This year, well, I am expecting my rainbow in February, most likely around Delilah's birthday.  I think she planned it out this way for me.  I am still very grateful for Delilah, I feel she is looking out for us.  I still miss her and do get mad at times but it's different.  My husband was watching football today, he had our homemade "Molly Bear" on one side of him and our new kitten on his shoulder and my big ole pregnant belly next to him.  I thought of how things should have been.  It was a sad moment but it didn't take over me.  I was able to enjoy my day today.  I will always miss my little girl and think about what she would be doing, how she would act. 

Apples and Oranges

There are so many similarities and so many differences in my pregnancies so far.  With Delilah, they was an innocence, I was certain that at the end of nine or so months, I would have my baby girl in my arms.  With "Groot" there is more fear.  I remember a sense of warmth and calm washing over me and feeling happy, I did my best to be kind to everyone.  This time, I felt mean, frustrated and annoyed at the world.  I felt I was wronged by the world and everyone was gonna have to be punished for it.  I find myself getting agitated over small things and yelling at people. 
Then there's movement.  With Delilah, it always felt soft and gentle.  Like she liked to run her hand across my uterus.  "Groot" lines to stomp. He's a party animal and moves around a lot more than his big sister.  I love both their movements.
Delilah had an appetite for sweet and sour.  My poor enamel never had a chance.  "Groot" enjoyed his jalapeno poppers, now he appears to want fruit.  They both wanted fruit.  With Delilah it was oranges, I could not get enough of them.  "Groot" lines crisp crunchy sweet apples. 
Do different but so similar.  Both my babies and I love them both so much.  They would have had a lot of fun together.  But I know his big sister will always look out for him.

A Great Big Sister

Dear Delialh,
I love you my sweet little girl.  I can imagine you in our home running around and playing.  Your hair is tied up in pig tails.  You might not have know exactly what was about to happen, but you would have been a great big sister.  In about four and a half months you would become a big sister and become our big girl, a two year old.  You would have kissed your baby brother on the forehead and peaked at him through the slats on his crib.  Baby "Groot" is missing out by not having you in his life, we are missing out.
This weekend I caught a glimpse of what might have been.  Little N is about the same age you would have been.  She's getting a little brother too, due about the same time yours is.  I saw her playing, and interacting with her mom and dad.  Oh I my heart ached for you my sweet little girl.  It broke me, what should have been, what could have been.  I cried all night on Sunday, I could not stop mourning the life we could have had together.  I miss you my sweet little girl. 
I still feel like I failed you.  I failed you and will fail your little brother too, I do not deserve happiness.  You would not want me to feel this way though.  You would hold my hand and hug me, kiss me cheek and tell me it's not my fault, that you don't blame me.  I love you Delilah.  I love you so much.
Love Mommy 
  

And Some More Critters to Remember

H, A, O

R

Baby Boy

Recent Projects

More memorial critters created to remember lost little ones. 

B

J & R

M & L

Happy Birthday Z!!!

Happy Birthday P.

Perspective

It feels like recently there have been so many scares with out pets.  The year started off pretty shitty when we had to say goodbye to Sampson 3 days in.  He was such an awesome guys, and there are still days when I'm at work, I look forward to getting home and having him look up from the couch and greet me.  I miss having him take naps with me on the couch and his loud meows.  My heart broke when he passed away, but he would be with Delilah and they would have their tea parties in the Heaven. 
Maple is our resident senior dog now, it's crazy how she just turned 10.  We adopted her when she was 8 months old.  Even the Coco & Snow are old now, they just turned nine!  The youngest dog is 7.  And, what's the point of this?
I realized that soon, they will eventually head for the Rainbow Bridge.  Sad, yes, but hey, they lived really good lives, long lives.  We loved them and took care of them as best we could and they know that.  Sure one day I won't trip over Maple who decided to sleep right in the way of my exit from my side of the bed, that will be a sad day, but I'll know we did our best for them.  And they had long lives. 
Sometimes I still resent them for getting to live so long when Delilah didn't.  But they didn't do anything wrong.   

Time better spent.

I usually hate being at home.  Or empty house with nothing to do but sit around and waste away.  Thinking too much about sad things and not being able to much about it. 

Recently, I found it better to occupy my time.  Making amigurumi for fellow loss mommas on their angel's birthdays.  I just started last month and have made three so far.  Which is sad that there babies should have turned one but instead are doing that in heaven. 

Happy Birthday to A. 

 

And a very Birthday to G also. 

Sweet K, Happy Birthday. 

How to Find the Sun

On February 14, 2013 I found myself lost in a forrest.
There are no paths, so signs, no trails that go anywhere.
It was getting dark, getting darker, for a while, it was very dark, so dark I could hardly see in front of me.  The darkness was cold.  So very cold, but I kept walking in the darkness, in the cold, shivering, wondering why I don't just stop and stop looking for a way out.
My eyes adjusted, I could see shapes and make my way.  All the color was gone, all the joy of the world I knew.  No light, no color, no joy, no warmth.  But I kept walking. 
Then I realized the trees, although they reached near the sky, and left everything under in in a dense and heavy shadow; the sun was still there.  I walked in the cold darkness for such a long time, and I realized the canopy was opening.  I saw a sliver of light peaking in, teasing me. 
I didn't know what to make of it at first, I felt like I should not touch it, it was strange, I shyed away from the light the warmth.  It was scary. 
Then Delilah came to me in song.  "Here Comes the Sun"
She wanted me to know that it would be okay again.  It would be alright.  Soon. 
My sun went away when she died.  Her toys wait for her still, in her room.  The sad giraffe plays the lonely tune "You are my Sunshine" and the only part that radiates with me is "Please don't take my sunshine away."  I want the sun, I want things to be okay again. 

"Here Comes The Sun"

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Why Her?

Recently I found out that one of the mean girls at work is pregnant.  My reaction, WTF, why does that bitch get to be pregnant?  Everytime in the breakroom, she goes on and on about wanting a designer diaper bag and how she can't do this or that but "after the baby" she plans to go back to party girl. Wow, I wanted to slap the shit out of her.  She was trying to get pregnant, she probably wanted an accessory, you know, cuz all those reality people are doing it now a days...  How annoying.

Once...

Once upon a time we were blissfully ignorant.  I had dreams of getting married, buying a house and maybe kids.  Marriage, check, house, check.  Kids, that check appears to have been ripped off my page.  Once we were ready for kids, we got pregnant our fourth cycle trying.  We were excited, we were hoping for a boy follwed by a little girl.  We wanted big bro to watch out for little sis.  Then we found out we were having agirl, the dreams quickly turned into big sis looking out for little bro, who occassionally got dressed up like a girl by his playful big sis.  And they would love each other so much.  And if it was gonna be two girls, that would be great too.  Two sweet girls growing up together happily playing pretend and running and playing on the swing set in the yard.  Then we lost Delilah.  All our dreams, all ours hopes and visions of our family shattered into a million pieces.  I tried to slowy piece it back together as we waited the nine months before we were allowed to ttc.  It felt right that we should wait nine months, Delilah's life time.  Now, over 14 months later, it feels like forever, the pain of losing Delilah is a little less sharp.  We are trying to have a second child, and it seems like it's not happening.  Time is passing, I was pregnant at 29, turned 30 with Delilah on board.  Now, if we get pregnant this year I will be at least 32 when I deliver again.  It's silly to think about plans but I always though by now we would be pregnant with our second child and Delilah would be happily growing into her toddler, playing with the pets and still loving to be held and kissed.  I guess it was dumb to have expectations of life, the have plans, when you plan, you get the rugged pulled out from under you and you are left on the flrro, bruised and battered by the cruelty of life.  But bruises heal, and we have to get up.  It's silly to cry over whay should have been, what could have nearly been, but some days, you just can't help yourself.  

Restless

It's one of those nights, I got home from work today feeling fine.  Then, I saw a gorilla on the news, they did a c-section on the mom and took baby out.  The baby wasn't doing well but got better.  When they gave the baby back to her after about a week, she went for her baby and knew it was her baby.  She took care of her baby. 
I want my baby.
The rest of the night was spent kinda in a daze.  Feeling like I had something to do but not sure what. 
I want my baby. 
I feel like I'm in limbo, stuck between what was and what I want. 
I painted in Delilah's room this weekend, fixed the baseboards.  It's looking nicer in there now. 
I want my baby.

An All Consuming Need

Lately it's been the only thing I've been thinking about.  Baby!  I want to be pregnant, so very badly.  Nothing else matters, nothing!  It's all I want that is possible.  I want to feel my baby growing inside of me again.  I want to feel that bond and warmth.  I want to get to know another little person and nurture them and learn about their strage food desired.  Delilah loved sour/tart things, probably because she was so sweet herself :)  Lately I've been feeling more and more crushed everytime I see that we are not pregnant.  I break dowm for days with each negative test, temperature dip and onset of the bitch.  Eash month I get less and less hopeful. 
This month is the last chance for a 2014 Rainbow.  And it's alright, I'm trying to not let if drive me insane, we can only try our best and cross our fingers and toes and anything else that'll cross.  I think I've accepted that I will most likely not have a 2014 Rainbow.  Yea it'll suck but I don't wanna put that much stress on myself.
I'll just have to keep on trying and keep preparing the nursery and making it perfect for Delilah's sibling whenever it is time for that to happen.
What breaks my heart is that lately, I've been feeling fantom kicks.  I haven't had those in forever.  It'l like my body wants it so badly, it's trying to trick itself. 
Gotta stop and step aside, and breathe, one day, one day.

My little toddler...

I wonder what you would have been like at this age.  If you would have been walking yet.  I think you would have been, you would be running around the house chasing cats and dogs.  Giving us kisses and lots of hugs.  I probably would have you sleep in or room, in the play pen.  I miss you sweet heart, I miss you so much, my heart breaks thinking that we are going to have to move on in life without you by our side.  You will never wear the veil I forgot to wear on my wedding day as you play dress up.  I missed you so much.  I lie you Delilah.

Letting Go...

I think about it from time to time.  Letting go, how do you do it.
Is it acceptance that I will never have Delilah in my arms again, that her little body is in the form of ashes in an urn in my room? 
Am I allowed to think that her sould will return to inhabit another body and we have have a second chance that way?
Is that wrong? 
What is letting go?  I said good bye when she passed away, is it okay to speak to her every night before going to sleep?
Lately I don't really have much to say, what does that mean.  I miss her, I miss her deperately.  I want to be her momma again. 
Is that possible, is that wrong for me to say to her, give her false hope, can she hear me, am I keeping her from moving on? 
I love her. 
I don't want to let go, not yet.

Defeated

Maybe I don't have the right to feel defeated yet, this is only the third cycle trying to conceive, but it feels like forever.  Forever, like over a year since I had to say goodbye to Delilah.  It's difficult ending every cyclce with out being pregnant.  This cycle has been especially stress worthy.  In additional to all my sad days or maybe because of it, my temperatures have been doing some weird stuff.  Last cycle was the most normal looking one.  This one, so far, I think my body is trying ovulate but failing.  Failing, I feel like I am always failing.  I was supposed to carry Delilah and deliver her safely into this world, but I failed last minute.  I'm supposed to be able to bring children into this world, maybe the years of saying I didn't want kids I'd coming around to kick my ass. I'm falling at the one thing I want to do in the world, to bring life into this world and be a mommy. 

Happy Birthday Delilah

One year ago today the most beautifully awesome little girl came into this world.  My daughter Delilah. 
Happy birthday Delilah, you would be one today.  I miss you so much.  I hope that Sampson is treating you well and giving you a wonderful birthday. 
Here, I got you some balloons, and baked you a cake.  You got a card from us and Aunty Sylvia.  Aunty Karen got you flowers.  And so did daddy's family.  You are in the hearts and thoughts of many.  We miss you and love you so very much. 

We wrote a message to her on her birthday balloon.  We let that balloon go.  Took all the extra strings and plastic off first.  It took six minutes for the balloon to fly so far that we could no longer see it.  The tiny pink balloon flew up through the clouds, it was like they parted for the balloon to get through, to get to Delilah.  Happy birthday Delilah.

My Eyes are Green, no, They are Shit Brown

I feel like a huge jack ass sometimes.  Rainbow babies are amazing!  And when people get their big fat positives, it's great.  I am super happy for they.  Really, I am.  But sometimes, I get a little jealous, why coucn't I have gotten mine that quickly?  Why can't everyone.  It's stupid really, but it's something that make me feel bad for even thinking. 
Another Blog that I've been reading, the woman on there is about to have her Rainbow, on the day that Delilah died.  I am very happy for the woman, her writting has helped me through so much, but seeing her so happy sometimes makes me so sad.  I wish I were not this way, I wish that I could be a good person and look past all the small things.
My therapist told me to live in the now more, stop over thinking things and dwelling on the past, it's difficult. 

Last year...

This time last year, I was on Maternity leave.  I remember how cold it was, there was frost on the windows and rooftops, the grass had frozen dew drops.  I remember thinking that the slope on the freeway onramp, looked pretty, landscaped with little pine trees and mulch, it looked so festive covered in frost.  Last year, I walked to the coffee shop by my house, we only had one working car, I was walking to try and hurry Delilah out, so I could meet her, so my life could be perfect.  I remember holding that warm cup of coacoa, and talking to her as I strolled back home, I asked her if she was cozy in there, is she was excited to come meet us.  February 9 was her due date, if she was actually born that day, she might have been okay.  This time last year, we were still full of hope and excitement, Sampson was till here, eagerly awaiting the arrival of his human little sister.  He would sit on my lap, nuzzle next to her lovely belly bump.  Now, he is gone too.  I miss them both so much. I want my daughter back so desparetely.  I've been overcome with sadness and anger, I just miss Delilah so much.

T-T-CRAZY

Cycles...  they are endlessly frustrating when not resulting in the desired outcome.
Timing... excruciating especially when you think your timing is spot on, then nothing. 

This will be cycle 3, if we are successful this round, a November baby.  If not, try again next month for a December baby, if not, then no more 2014 Rainbow Baby.  2015, how did it ever get to that! 
We started trying on 2012, I was 29, now I'm 31, and my baby is not with me.  How did so much time pass?  Why do some people get pregnant so easily and not so easily for us.  It's not fair.  But when is life ever fair. 

11 months old

How did it already become 11 months?  How did I miss 10 months?  So much crap has happened.  My baby is supposed to turn 1 next month, but no, instead her ashes are sitting the ashes of my beloved kitty.  I lost both of them.  Preparation means shit, and apparently if I prepare for anything it means it'll get ripped away.
There's flu going around, everyone is saying get the flue shot, maybe if I do, then I'll get the flu and die from it.  Would it be so bad?    

Death...

A couple of months ago I posted about how I felt like I lost touch with my pets.  I've reconnected with my special boy, my kitty Sampson, but his health has been worrying me Most importantly I felt disconnected from my special boy Sampson.  I got over it though, it's hard to try to ignore someone so eager to please and love you.  Lately he hasn't been feeling well.  He's been battling feline chronic renal failure for a few years now.  In November he took a turn for the worse and we started him on IV fluids daily to help flush out his kidneys. 
To fully understand and feel my connection with Sampson you will need some background.  My history with Sampson starts in 2008.  We had just lost our older cast Jack to some unknown affliction.  I was sad and depressed.  Sampson was at the shelter, it was a few months out from Jack's passing, it was as if Jack led me to Sampson.  When we adopted him, Sammy had an upper respitory infection.  I took him to the vey, they gave hime antibiotics, I gave hime love and affection, he got better.  I was actually able to help hime, something I wasn't able to do for Jack.  Sampson had something special about him.  For a nine and a half year old tripod, he had spunk!  He healed my soul, made life less sad.  Sampson made me fall head over heals for him.  He loved me so much, cuddled with me when I went to sleep, sat on my lap when I was on the couch.  So sweet, so kind, it was like he's intuitive.  When I was sad, he would reach out a paw and place it on me.  "There, there Mamma, it'll be okay."  He would run around and play and be so happy, he made me smile and laugh. 
When we lost Delilah, he did the same thing, he help me put the pieces of my sould back together, despite me being a jerk about it.  I would try to be aloof and avoid his love but Sampson was persistant, he's so sweet, kept pushing and making me hold him and cuddle.  He made the pain more bearable.  He was the one who sat with me when my husband was at work or had other obligations, Sampson kept me company, and he did it without complaint.  Even before our loss, he was the one who would always carefully prop himself next to me and the baby bump that was Delilah. 
On Friday the third, not even a year after we lost Delilah, we had to say goodbye to Sampson.  He held on for so ling but his kidney had stopped functioning.  He was in pain and not happy, but he still tried for us, because he loved us that much.  It would not have been fair to make him suffer, we made the decision to let him go be with Delilah, to ease his pain like he did ours.  My heart is broken again. I miss Sampson so much.  There will never be another kitty like him.
I always imagined Delilah having tea parties with him, dressing him up and offering him sandwiches.  He would have gone along with it too, he was that kind; the sandwiches would have been a bonus for him.  I hope they are together now, having awesome tea parties and keeping each other company.  I love you two.