There are so many similarities and so many differences in my pregnancies so far. With Delilah, they was an innocence, I was certain that at the end of nine or so months, I would have my baby girl in my arms. With "Groot" there is more fear. I remember a sense of warmth and calm washing over me and feeling happy, I did my best to be kind to everyone. This time, I felt mean, frustrated and annoyed at the world. I felt I was wronged by the world and everyone was gonna have to be punished for it. I find myself getting agitated over small things and yelling at people.
Then there's movement. With Delilah, it always felt soft and gentle. Like she liked to run her hand across my uterus. "Groot" lines to stomp. He's a party animal and moves around a lot more than his big sister. I love both their movements.
Delilah had an appetite for sweet and sour. My poor enamel never had a chance. "Groot" enjoyed his jalapeno poppers, now he appears to want fruit. They both wanted fruit. With Delilah it was oranges, I could not get enough of them. "Groot" lines crisp crunchy sweet apples.
Do different but so similar. Both my babies and I love them both so much. They would have had a lot of fun together. But I know his big sister will always look out for him.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Apples and Oranges
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
A Great Big Sister
Dear Delialh,
I love you my sweet little girl. I can imagine you in our home running around and playing. Your hair is tied up in pig tails. You might not have know exactly what was about to happen, but you would have been a great big sister. In about four and a half months you would become a big sister and become our big girl, a two year old. You would have kissed your baby brother on the forehead and peaked at him through the slats on his crib. Baby "Groot" is missing out by not having you in his life, we are missing out.
This weekend I caught a glimpse of what might have been. Little N is about the same age you would have been. She's getting a little brother too, due about the same time yours is. I saw her playing, and interacting with her mom and dad. Oh I my heart ached for you my sweet little girl. It broke me, what should have been, what could have been. I cried all night on Sunday, I could not stop mourning the life we could have had together. I miss you my sweet little girl.
I still feel like I failed you. I failed you and will fail your little brother too, I do not deserve happiness. You would not want me to feel this way though. You would hold my hand and hug me, kiss me cheek and tell me it's not my fault, that you don't blame me. I love you Delilah. I love you so much.
Love Mommy
