October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I am joining many other women who have suffered loss in a 31-day blog challenge. If you're a mom to an angel baby and would like to join, please do:

Day 1: Who are you? Share as little or as much about you in general.
Day 2: Tell us about your child. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.
Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"?
Day 4: Through your grief process what has kept you going?
Day 5: Do you ever get subtle reminds of your angel(s)? If so what what are they?
Day 6: How do you answer the question of how many children you have?
Day 7: Do you do something to honor your angel? If so what?
Day 8: Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?
Day 9: If you have other children how has your loss affected them? If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?
Day 10: If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?
Day 11: It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?
Day 12: How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?
Day 13: Does anyone else besides you, speak your child's name?
Day 14: What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel.
Day 15: Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?
Day 16: Do you take time for yourself?
Day 17: Do you feel your child is watching over you?
Day 18: Have you found something that puts you at peace?
Day 19: What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?
Day 20: If you have anger, what are you most angry about?
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
Day 27: Share a picture.
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

31 years and only 9 months of true happiness

31 years ago today, I cam into this world. 
One year ago, I was happy, I saw a bright future where I would truly have a family and everything would be perfect. 
Today I no longer brimming with joy.  The images of me holding Delilah as I turned 31 are not reality, a shattered image of what should have been.
I didn't want to see my family today but they forced their way over anyway, despite my sister's best efforts.  I'm grateful for my friends and their respect of my need to wallow in my pit of despair. 
When I got up I was mad.  The stupid little dog stole my cinnamon bun.  Then I tried to drown my thought in mindless television, that didn't work, so I went for a drive.  The weird thing is that I ended up at Babys R Us.  I bought some books with the coupon that they had sent me. 
There is me without you.  I feel like I should longer exist because Delilah does not physically exist anymore.  Her perfect little features, those long fingers that used to brush against me.  I love and miss her so much. 
31 years ago, I was born, yes, I feel like I should not exist but without me, there would not be a you either.  You existed, and some how, were conceived from someone as messed up as me.  I love you Delilah. 
Delilah is the reason for living, Delilah and her futuer sisters or brothers, hopefully, all sisters.  31 years all seem wasted, no point to any of it.  Go to school, get an education, get a job, work, work, work, what's the point.  Things no longer appeal to me, family is my goal, to have a beautiful family, work to make them happy, work to provide for them.  I have a purpose now.  

Baby Fever

I see them everywhere and hear all the coos and soft cries.  I dream of fish, that's supposed to mean someone in the family is preggers.  I found out a month or so after I started this post that my cousin is pregnant, she would have conceived around the time I lost my Delilah. 

A couple of weeks ago I dreamed of Delilah, kinda, she was in a spaceship thingy, she was wearing a helmet with a visor.  She was dressed in a white racing suite.  It was like a race of sorts, she was trying to get to the finish to the goal, and doing very well.  Pew pew, blow away the competition. 

I want a baby so badly, but I want Delilah more.  I am afraid that sice my OK to TTC date is approaching and if we do get pregnant right away, I'll be so dissapointed if I don't get my little girl.  I really want a little girl, I need her.  I'm afraid that if I end up having a son I'll resent him. 
What kind of thoughts is that!  What is wrong with me, the right thing to think about is that if I am lucky enough to have a happy healthy baby, it is just that.  Alive and happy and healthy.  I need to get over my craziness.
Maybe I'm not ready.

7 Months

It has been 7 months:

since
that final embrace
that kiss goodbye
I saw those big beautiful eyes for the first and last time
I was happy

of
sadness
tears
emptiness
heartache
sorrow
guilt

of missing
you big feet
your long fingers
you

I love you my sweet daughter, my Delilah.
There was not a day in these past seven months when I did not think of what should have been.
At seven months you would have been able to use a sippy cup.  That's amazing to me, so I went and bought you a sippy cup.  I miss you so much and I wish that I could have saved you.  I wish that things were different.