They are Just Slippers

Grief is irrational and random; it sneaks up on you and ingrains itself on parts of your life that you sometimes don't even notice.
Back in 2012, when I was living in my blissful happy bubble of sweet ignorance, I bought some slippers to wear at the hospital after I delivered Delilah.  They looked so warm and cozy and I was so excited to wear my brand new slippers after I delivered her.  I packed them in my overnight bag and they waited for me until Delilah was ready to be born.
I never go to wear those slippers.  That day when Delilah was born then we watched as she slipped away the following morning.  When we got home, my overnight bag sat for a while, and eventually I decided to put the stuff away.  When I got to the slippers, I could not find it in my heart to unpack them.  Despite my current slippers at the time being in shambles, I felt that I did not deserve to wear those new slippers, the ones that were imbued with my dreams. 
So they sat in that overnight bag for about two years.  They waited patiently until my Rainbow Ollie was born.  And stupidly, those slippers held some kind of power subconsciously in my head.  Like a reward for finally getting there.  And you know what, they were not comfortable at all, the soles were not so good for the hospital floor and they were stiff. 
I had waited so long to wear those dang slippers and they were disappointing.  But guess what?  They were just slippers.  I had my rainbow, and he was awesome.  He brought so much joy and hope, so much light back into my life.  I did continue to wear those slippers, and in almost nine months, I wore them out.  The lining is torn and padding smashed.  I bought a new pair but why am I having such a hard time throwing these out.
They did not magically make everything better.  They can't teleport me back in time and save Delilah.  But that is it, in a way, they remind me of Delilah.  How things don't go as planned but most importantly, they brought me to when I was just happily pregnant with my little girl. 
They are just slippers right?  I have the memories and emotions in my heart.  So why can't I let them go.  Grief, so freaking irrational.

Still

I still think of you every day my sweet girl.  My Delilah.  Sometimes, I feel guilty about being so happy with your little brother.  I think that you would not want me to be sad and would want me to enjoy this wonderful little boy that you sent to me.  And I do, I love him and appreciate your hand in us having Oliver.  There are quiet moments though, when my mind dull goes to dark places and I think of the day that we lost you.  I still blame myself for not knowing that something was wrong.  I still blame the hospital for not knowing something was wrong in L&D.  I miss you, miss what I imagine that you would have been like.  I imagine you, I close my eyes and pretend that you are here, you kiss you little brother, you love him so much.  You are his little protector.  Then I realize that what I imagine is probably true.  Sometimes, Ollie laughs in his sleepthen he smiles, he smiles like her us so happy.  I think it's because you are visiting him in his dreams.  You guys play and he get to experience what he will not get to here on earth.  He gets to play with his big sister, he gets hugs and kisses from her.  I'm envious sometimes.  I've never really had those kinds of dreams, sometimes I feel that you blame me for what happened do you don't see me.  I love you Delilah.  I always will.  Thank you for being Oliver's living big sister.

Spilled Milk

It's pointless to cry over spilt milk and I've been doing that a lot lately also but lately I've been thinking about everything that should have been and it breaks my heart to imagine such a future; such a beautiful future and that it won't exist.  Maybe an alternate version one day but it just won't be the same.  Don't get me wrong I'm grateful for what I have, I love my son. I love him more and more each and everyday.  He makes me happy, he makes me smile, even on those nights that he wakes me up a bunch of times. however, I can't help but think that he should have been my last baby and I should have a little girl and a little boy.  I don't have issues being pregnant, in fact pregnancy has always agreed with me.  The fact is I've been pregnant twice, one living child and one sweet angel.  I do want siblings for little Oliver. But being pregnant again feels like it's going to be so much more difficult and it doesn't feel fair, doesn't feel fair that I had to lose my little girl.

Still Working

These past few weeks have been full of emotion, sleep deprivation, and all sorts of ups and downs.  Everything is so different with the little guy here. 
Something that remains the same is that I am still making little critters in memory of those sweet babies that were taken from us. 
This one is for R.

Yes I Can!

I was hoping that having Ollie would not push back the creation of little critters for all those that have lost their babies. 
It's as if he understood how important they are to me.  Ollie let me finish one little critter so far.
Here's a little bear to remember L.  She is holding three flowers, one for each of D's babies.  I hope you like it.

Happily Second Birthday Delilah

Today is Delilah's second birthday.  Today is an emotional day.  Two year ago today I went into labor thinking that I would soon have my sweet little girl but things spiraled and instead of joyously holding Delilah we were scared and worried and her dying.  Three days ago, I had her little brother and today is the first day we've had with him at home, such a different outcome.  I always pictured Delilah with a little brother. She was gonna be a great one, very loving and willing to share, even her girly dresses for tea parties.  Today having Ollie here and no Delilah was painful.  I miss my sweet little girl and my vision of who she would have been.  I also saw Ollie smile in his sleep, who knows, maybe they were playing together in his dream. 
My sweet Delilah, I love you so much.  You made me so proud and I know you would have continued to do so.  Happy birthday sweetheart, I love you, and always will. 

Tomorrow

Strange how it's always been there.  For the longest time tomorrow was just something that I knew was going to be here.  Nothing to look forward to, nothing to move towards.  It wad just going to happen.  I would wander in the darkness forever.  Then, the sun.  Tomorrow, there's going to be a rainbow. 

I'm scared.  Scared but I want to putt on a brave face.  I know there will be tears.  Tears of joy and some of sorrow for what should have been. 

Delilah would want us to be happy, and we are.  I know she sent this little guy to us, she picked him to be in our lives.  But I miss her, I miss who she would be right now, all that she would have experienced with us. 

I am excited but a little sad.  I think it's just something that will be part of life.  Some one will always be missing.  But that doesn't mean I won't get to be happy.  Ollie well fill our lives with so much joy and I will treasure every moment of it.

I look forward to tomorrow, or rather the day to begin now, as it's past midnight.  I'll try my best to be positive and allow myself to be be in bliss when my rainbow comes into this world a happy healthy baby. 

My Baby Girl

I've been rather emotional lately.  Feeling cheated and missing my little girl.  Today my husband and I were walking around at some stores, and I thought, I should be holding Delilah's hand right now.  And I let myself pretend for a little bit, my hand was empty, the little hand that should have been there was absent.  I think partly it's because Delilah's birthday is coming up, partly because her little brother will be here soon.  It's made me miss her so very much.  It's not fair, really.  We were all robbed.  She should be here with us right now. 

It's been a while...

I got back into making memorial critters after a little hiatus.  I forgot how good it felt to do.
A butterfly for K.  And a monkey for B.

This is not my first baby.

"Is this your first baby?" 
"No, this is my second." 
And I walk away.  That's they way it usually goes.  I will never not the existence of my precious little girl.  Lately, it's been hurting.  My heart is breaking again.  I miss her so much.  My little girl would have been two this year.  She would have been such a great big sis.  She would have picked out a special toy for her little brother.  She would have been able to enjoy her birthday a little more this year, being older.  I miss my sweet little girl and what should have been.  I am so grateful to her.  She was so strong, even when she's not here.  She sends me special messages to let me know things will be okay.  She helped pick out her little brother.  I love my little girl and really wish she was here now.