Lost

Lately it feels like I'm caught in a rip tide.  I was wading around in life and then this undercurrent shows up and drags me under.  I am being pulled from the shore, and it's getting further and further away.

On Friday I took Delilah's name off the wall in her room, I've know that it had to be done at some point but the act of actually doing it hit me like a sledge hammer.  I ended up putting her name in a shadow box in our room.  It was my husband's idea, he said then we can see her pretty name in our room and it'll still be up somewhere.  Removing her name was so hard, it was like taking her away.  But now her name sits in a shadow bow in my room, with all the birds and flowers and butterflies that embellished each letter.

My husband also had me move her urn to our bedroom.  It was strange the way he suggested it.  I kinda heard his dad's voice behind the suggestion.  That it was strange for people to see when they come over.  Shit, I don't know where people keep urns, why can't she be in the living room mantle?  Why is it weird, why do I care what other people think?  I'm sad everyday of my life.  And seeing her there with me makes me feel less lonely.

Lonely, my husband is away with one of his good friends.  It's the guy's "Bachelor Weekend" I'm glad my husband gets to get away and be happy for a bit but I miss him.  While I was pregnant with Delilah,  it was always "us, we" I was a team, I was never alone, after I lost Delilah, I attached myself to my husband, and get so lonely when he is not home.  I can hardly even leave the house.  I just want to stay in and sleep and not do anything all day.

Dammit, I'm mad at this world.  Why did Delilah have to be taken from me, I love her so much, I miss her so much.  This is completely unfair.