How to Find the Sun

On February 14, 2013 I found myself lost in a forrest.
There are no paths, so signs, no trails that go anywhere.
It was getting dark, getting darker, for a while, it was very dark, so dark I could hardly see in front of me.  The darkness was cold.  So very cold, but I kept walking in the darkness, in the cold, shivering, wondering why I don't just stop and stop looking for a way out.
My eyes adjusted, I could see shapes and make my way.  All the color was gone, all the joy of the world I knew.  No light, no color, no joy, no warmth.  But I kept walking. 
Then I realized the trees, although they reached near the sky, and left everything under in in a dense and heavy shadow; the sun was still there.  I walked in the cold darkness for such a long time, and I realized the canopy was opening.  I saw a sliver of light peaking in, teasing me. 
I didn't know what to make of it at first, I felt like I should not touch it, it was strange, I shyed away from the light the warmth.  It was scary. 
Then Delilah came to me in song.  "Here Comes the Sun"
She wanted me to know that it would be okay again.  It would be alright.  Soon. 
My sun went away when she died.  Her toys wait for her still, in her room.  The sad giraffe plays the lonely tune "You are my Sunshine" and the only part that radiates with me is "Please don't take my sunshine away."  I want the sun, I want things to be okay again. 

"Here Comes The Sun"

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here 

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

Why Her?

Recently I found out that one of the mean girls at work is pregnant.  My reaction, WTF, why does that bitch get to be pregnant?  Everytime in the breakroom, she goes on and on about wanting a designer diaper bag and how she can't do this or that but "after the baby" she plans to go back to party girl. Wow, I wanted to slap the shit out of her.  She was trying to get pregnant, she probably wanted an accessory, you know, cuz all those reality people are doing it now a days...  How annoying.

Once...

Once upon a time we were blissfully ignorant.  I had dreams of getting married, buying a house and maybe kids.  Marriage, check, house, check.  Kids, that check appears to have been ripped off my page.  Once we were ready for kids, we got pregnant our fourth cycle trying.  We were excited, we were hoping for a boy follwed by a little girl.  We wanted big bro to watch out for little sis.  Then we found out we were having agirl, the dreams quickly turned into big sis looking out for little bro, who occassionally got dressed up like a girl by his playful big sis.  And they would love each other so much.  And if it was gonna be two girls, that would be great too.  Two sweet girls growing up together happily playing pretend and running and playing on the swing set in the yard.  Then we lost Delilah.  All our dreams, all ours hopes and visions of our family shattered into a million pieces.  I tried to slowy piece it back together as we waited the nine months before we were allowed to ttc.  It felt right that we should wait nine months, Delilah's life time.  Now, over 14 months later, it feels like forever, the pain of losing Delilah is a little less sharp.  We are trying to have a second child, and it seems like it's not happening.  Time is passing, I was pregnant at 29, turned 30 with Delilah on board.  Now, if we get pregnant this year I will be at least 32 when I deliver again.  It's silly to think about plans but I always though by now we would be pregnant with our second child and Delilah would be happily growing into her toddler, playing with the pets and still loving to be held and kissed.  I guess it was dumb to have expectations of life, the have plans, when you plan, you get the rugged pulled out from under you and you are left on the flrro, bruised and battered by the cruelty of life.  But bruises heal, and we have to get up.  It's silly to cry over whay should have been, what could have nearly been, but some days, you just can't help yourself.  

Restless

It's one of those nights, I got home from work today feeling fine.  Then, I saw a gorilla on the news, they did a c-section on the mom and took baby out.  The baby wasn't doing well but got better.  When they gave the baby back to her after about a week, she went for her baby and knew it was her baby.  She took care of her baby. 
I want my baby.
The rest of the night was spent kinda in a daze.  Feeling like I had something to do but not sure what. 
I want my baby. 
I feel like I'm in limbo, stuck between what was and what I want. 
I painted in Delilah's room this weekend, fixed the baseboards.  It's looking nicer in there now. 
I want my baby.

An All Consuming Need

Lately it's been the only thing I've been thinking about.  Baby!  I want to be pregnant, so very badly.  Nothing else matters, nothing!  It's all I want that is possible.  I want to feel my baby growing inside of me again.  I want to feel that bond and warmth.  I want to get to know another little person and nurture them and learn about their strage food desired.  Delilah loved sour/tart things, probably because she was so sweet herself :)  Lately I've been feeling more and more crushed everytime I see that we are not pregnant.  I break dowm for days with each negative test, temperature dip and onset of the bitch.  Eash month I get less and less hopeful. 
This month is the last chance for a 2014 Rainbow.  And it's alright, I'm trying to not let if drive me insane, we can only try our best and cross our fingers and toes and anything else that'll cross.  I think I've accepted that I will most likely not have a 2014 Rainbow.  Yea it'll suck but I don't wanna put that much stress on myself.
I'll just have to keep on trying and keep preparing the nursery and making it perfect for Delilah's sibling whenever it is time for that to happen.
What breaks my heart is that lately, I've been feeling fantom kicks.  I haven't had those in forever.  It'l like my body wants it so badly, it's trying to trick itself. 
Gotta stop and step aside, and breathe, one day, one day.

My little toddler...

I wonder what you would have been like at this age.  If you would have been walking yet.  I think you would have been, you would be running around the house chasing cats and dogs.  Giving us kisses and lots of hugs.  I probably would have you sleep in or room, in the play pen.  I miss you sweet heart, I miss you so much, my heart breaks thinking that we are going to have to move on in life without you by our side.  You will never wear the veil I forgot to wear on my wedding day as you play dress up.  I missed you so much.  I lie you Delilah.

Letting Go...

I think about it from time to time.  Letting go, how do you do it.
Is it acceptance that I will never have Delilah in my arms again, that her little body is in the form of ashes in an urn in my room? 
Am I allowed to think that her sould will return to inhabit another body and we have have a second chance that way?
Is that wrong? 
What is letting go?  I said good bye when she passed away, is it okay to speak to her every night before going to sleep?
Lately I don't really have much to say, what does that mean.  I miss her, I miss her deperately.  I want to be her momma again. 
Is that possible, is that wrong for me to say to her, give her false hope, can she hear me, am I keeping her from moving on? 
I love her. 
I don't want to let go, not yet.