Come Back to Us

I want my baby back.  I’ve said that so many times since I said goodbye to my sweet little baby girl.  But what if I can have my Delilah Back?  My father in law was the first to say it.  A couple of days after we lost Delilah, he introduced the idea to us, he said, “She will come back.”  A couple of days later my mother told me that she spoke with an elder at her temple, and they told her that Delilah would be back.  So that’s two people, one from a loosely Muslim background, and the other from a Buddhist background that have told me the same thing.  A couple of weeks pass and a Christian friend of mine tells me that he believe that when we lose a baby, that baby can come back to us.  So that’s like multiple people from different backgrounds that have all told me the same thing, she’ll be back.

For the longest time, this was the only thing that gave me any comfort.  I could not get over never being able to be Delilah’s mommy again.  I miss her so much.  I believe that Delilah is watching over me, and one day she’ll be able to return to me and we can be a family again.  Maybe the timing wasn’t right, maybe she needed to pass away the first time so the next time she can stay with us forever.  I don’t know, maybe she would have gotten sick at some point and we would have lost her and at that later point in life we would not be able to have her back and this was the only way for us to have forever?

So Delilah is watching over us, waiting patiently for her turn again, waiting for me to get the ok so that she can come back to us and be our baby girl again.  I often ask my husband, what do you think she’s doing right now?  He’ll usually respond with “playing or eating something yummy.”  Sometimes I can picture her, and I let my mind wander.  Right after she passed away, I used to see her sitting propped up on a couch, she was yawning, then, at times she would wave to me.  Now I see her a bit older, she plays, hopping around doing a froggy squat.  I’ve seen her pick flowers, and I’ve seen her eating in a cafeteria like setting.  Once I saw her push a kid, I thought she was fighting but no, she was separating two kids.  I enjoy letting my mind wander and seeing her little adventure play out in my mind.  I miss her. 

Sometimes I wonder if letting myself believe that I can have her back is taking away from Delilah.  Like, I’m not accepting her death.  Like, I’m being delusional.  Even when I get “Delilah” back, I will still mourn for her.  Delilah is my first born, nothing will change that, the only thing is, her beautiful little soul will be with us again, this time as another baby.  She will be part of Delilah and I will cherish that.