On Friday, May 31st I did not cry. It was a busy day and I guess I was too distracted to let my sadness take over. Saturday was different. I had a mini breakdown when I was home by myself. So far I've gone a day twice without crying. I was proud of myself for those days but also felt so guilty for having a day that I was not overcome with grief.
On Sunday, I managed not to cry also, Monday was the same. This is the first time since I lost Delilah that it has been more than one day without tears. I told my husband and he said that it was a good thing, it means that I'm healing. But, to me, the thought that I would have even a day without crying is scary as hell. How am I functioning, what is wrong with me, how dare I let myself feel "normal!" I feel so guilty when I have "normal days."
Tuesday was rough. I guess it builds up for me. I'll think that I'm okay but the flood gates just open a day or so later and all the tears that were held back come out, I'm drowning in my tears again. Flooded with overwhelming sadness. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were very difficult to work through, I found myself crying in my cubicle.
Everything bad comes pouring into my mind, I see her laying there on the slab as the flames get her and turn her to ash. I feel guilty for not being able to be with her longer before and after she passed away. I blame myself for not being able to protect her, despite her giving me a feeling that the "placenta is scary looking."
I try to give myself time each day, to let myself feel it, let myself be sad so it does not overwhelm me, like a controlled burn you see firefighters doing. Today I just feel like sadness is sitting on my chest, sadness is heavy and won't let me move.
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