Back to Work

I thought I was going to be going back to work last Thursday but last Wednesday the HR person told me I get another week off for bereavement.  I'm was so grateful for that extra week.  Today was my first day back, I cried half the time at work.  Getting dressed in the morning was hard, I didn't want to get ready and be "normal."  The drive to BART was difficult, I kept thinking of those 40 weeks that we waited for the train together, caught the train and the last few weeks when she would get me a seat.  When I was walking from BART to work, I was reminded that my baby waddle was gone, my little baby was gone.  I walked through the metal detector, luckily it wasn't one of the security guards that was really excited about Delilah.  When I got to my desk I put Delilah's picture on my desk, she looks so beautiful in her picture, she was such a beautiful baby.  Then the people started coming by, hugs here and there, people checking in, tears.  On my way back to my desk after break someone who worked in another office that didn't know Delilah had passed away asked me about her, I started crying and I couldn't stop.  Later in the restroom, another coworker who knew about Delilah's passing came up to me and said something about how it wasn't so bad because I was still young and can have other children.  I told her Delilah is still my child and she was still gone.  I was offended that the just wrote her off, like she didn't matter, like for 40 weeks and 4 days she wasn't with me and for almost a day she was out and alive in this world.  When I got off work I started to cry and haven't stopped since.
The world feels colder now, darker.  I don't want to go to work, I don't want to do anything that's not for Delilah.  I just want to curl up and hide from this sad place that I'm left behind in.  I miss you Delilah, I'm so lost without you, please come back as our next baby.  I don't know what I would do if I can never be your mommy again...